The Grieving Process---Kubler Ross Advises

Without Prejudice

The Kübler-Ross model postulates a series of emotional stages experienced by survivors of an intimate's death, wherein the five stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

The model was first introduced by Swiss psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book, On Death and Dying, and was inspired by her work with terminally ill patients.<sup>[


1]</sup>Motivated by the lack of curriculum in medical schools on the subject of death and dying, Kübler-Ross examined death and those faced with it at the University of Chicago medical school.

 Kübler-Ross' project evolved into a series of seminars which, along with patient interviews and previous research, became the foundation for her book.



Jackie-------

   My friend Jackie cams for lunch today. She lost her only Son last year. He was only 40 and died over a period of 2 years from lung cancer.

She is still so angry she is almost an incendiary device. She looks as though she would light up and explode at any given moment. She's thin, won't eat, can't sleep and wants to end it at times. Just end everything.

She comes to me as we have always been friends from the time when she was my Boss at K.F.C. All those years ago. 

And we are united in grief for our dead children.

Mine a daughter at 12, and she her Son.

She has a daughter still alive and I have three daughters. 

She has one Grandchild, I have 14.

I am 26 years down the track, she but one. But I feel she needs me, seeks me out. 

She's originally from Birmingham in England.

That was another reason we bonded as friends to begin with. That, and she was a good Boss and stuck up for me at work. Especially with the tubby American guy, Larry, the regional Manager who either totally ignored me or tried to chat me up.

She would joke along with him but I loathed him. He stank of sweat and grease and cigars which he smoked hidden in the office while he went through our books. One night Jackie's husband, who thought they were having an affair, jumped the front counter and biffed him.

Jackie told me John was like that. A little skinny unattractive man who she seemed to worship. But she worshipped her kids more and that rang a bell with me. My kids were my everything too and I realise looking back what we didn't have in a marriage we buried in our kids. That was what you did back then.

Put up and shut up or they would take it out on you and the kids. The walls are invisible but they are still there. Or were. Maybe things will change with the new domestic violence laws. They tell you if you ever leave, them they will kill you. And the kids.

Jackie stayed forty years too long. She now HATES men, loathes them and says she will never have another. Since her Son died she would like to kill him but knows it's not worth it. I forgave mine as I am Presbyterian. Jackie finds no solace in faith. Doesn't talk to her family. I feel for her I really do.

I didn't laugh for twelve months after my child died. Most of the first six years are vague at best. And there is not a lot of laughter. When I told the doctor I felt guilty for laughing she said that it was o.k. To laugh, ok to have moments of happiness. Times of great Joy.

Back then I still had three teen girls to raise on my own and a new grandson. She had, has, nothing she believes. 

Her daughter is a career girl in her forties. Jackie is lonely and angry. You can feel the fire coming off her skinny body as almost a tangible thing. And within seconds she can be crying. Oh, I remember that stage so well. I felt like if you scratched my skin I, me, blood, grief, rage would come pouring out. 

Tears would come out. And I had the tapes from Kubler Ross and I listened to them, feeling guilty, hiding them from my husband as if I were doing something wrong by the listening. 

But they helped so much the tapes. I played them endlessly. And he, the husband, I asked to leave five months after my child died. I no longer had to pretend to be in love with him. You can't love someone you fear. It's impossible. 

He has never said anything nice about me since then and it's no longer my business to care.

He and I will always be like that. Deadly enemies circling each other. Jackie is the same with her ex husband.She divorced years ago and when I asked her if she would at least consider another Man in her life her first response was never. 

Or that her ex would kill anyone she went out with, even now. So I asked her to write down three goals she wanted to achieve in the next 12 months. There is a trick to the three goals. 

She did it. Then we cried, reminisced and hugged each other. It was sad but ultimately good. I helped her with a letter she needed to write the coroner and she gave me all this stuff and a voucher for KFC for the kids. Ironic that, she hadn't worked there in forever. 

But outside standing in the hot sun of a glorious spring day I asked if she would ever have a holiday. 

" No Jan, ( she always calls me Jan ) I'm a home body me " 

I am too, in fact Yvette my daughter thinks I am some sort of underground cave dwelling  creature so disinterested am I in going out.

But I could see my old friend was in desperate need of a break.

" What about a Cruise ? " I asked.

Her eyes lit up. 

" Ooh yes, now you're talking Jan " she replied.

We discussed it, the when, the how and both of us were suddenly laughing, just like the old days when life and love were foremost in our minds and not death and sadness. I waved her off, my good friend, sunk so low, but I have a feeling she is going to be just fine. 

I stopped her wanting to jump off a bridge a year ago and that she had to have the will to go on. She texted me two days later to say I had been a great help. I was " dead chuffed " x

Nette x