Because Of You
Without Prejudice
I didn't go out the day after.
Or the day after that, for four months I pretty much stayed at home as much as I could. Blinds at half mast. Walking from room to room in a semi gloom that echoed the way I felt in heart and mind.
How would he like it ? I wondered.
If the shoe had been on his immaculate foot.
I felt ashamed for no other reason that it had happened before. And I began to wonder,
" Was it me ? "
Was I drawing into my life the thing I hated most.?
Violence.
Was I too loud, too independent, too tricky.
Three of them.
Really ?
They say the thing men fear worst is rejection by a woman.
And the thing women fear most ?
Being hit.
They say a life unexamined is a life not worth living.
So I examined.
He denied it when I told him to apologise.
Didn't know what I was talking about. Had been drinking and subsequently drink driving all the while stabbing at the clock on the dash
Telling me how many minutes it had been since I was wasting his time.
Screaming at the top of his lungs, abusing me.
I should have opened the car door and jumped out.
But I was frozen, a scenario I had known of old.
And I knew the way it would end.
Escalating voice, a slap across the face. And being told not to cry.
My Mother had said that her Mother would do that. Slap her hard and then tell her not to cry.
He felt remorse, told me to hit him back.
I should have.
But silent, in shock I said nothing. Just stumbled down from the high front seat and fled.
" No kiss then ? " he said to my retreating back.
I didn't go out the next day, or the day after that.
I felt like I was the worst person in the world. Low, scummy.
It had come as such a shock, out of the blue, no warning.
One minute talking softly in the front of the car and the next he snapped.
" I bet you don't even know where it is, you stupid bitch "
He had never spoken to me like that before, ever.
I went into disbelief, my mind whirling like some demented whirling dervish.
The rant lasted 15 long minutes, trapped as I was in the front of the high up cabin of his very expensive car.
I began to think I was going to die, especially when he said he was drink driving.
But I was inert, shrunken against the window as I was. Smaller. No longer an intelligent independent woman. Just a thing.
And because I thought I had been somehow to blame I just babbled answers. Terrified. Saddened, disappointed beyond measure.
It had been his idea to come.
Asked me to text my address again as if he hadn't been to my place before.
And he was hours late, too late for the fast food outlets to be open as he wanted a " healthy " meal, not the chicken we offered in hospitality.
A healthy pizza if there is such a thing.
I shouldn't have said I would go with him to find food.
He was threatened and hungry and I make no excuses for him for that.
He was a coward. A bully. A misogynist.
In time I forgave him mentally for my sake not his.
" They", whoever they are, say a man only ever apologises when he has no other choice. Stops lying when and only when he's been caught out.
Then he will happily spill the beans. More than he needs to.
And of course in the beginning it was totally different. We danced around each other for three months. Two hurt people with sad pasts. Outwardly confident, successful. Ambitious.
Arrogant in a way.
And I liked him after a while. Liked his openness and honesty. Not scared to speak his mind.
He oozed confidence, strode not walked. An Alpha male.
He had my back then at work, where we met.
He asked me out three times and three times I refused.
I was very fat then and I admired the fact that he paid me attention, even though I was a ten tonne Tessie.
He was respectful, funny, sexy, oozed charisma. Powerful.
I wondered what was beneath.
I resigned and he chased me to my home.
I was shocked that he knew where I lived.
Little old me.
That first kiss sizzled.
I grabbed his hand and lead him to my room.
It was powerful and scary all at the same time but I am very confident in my ability to please.
And he was magnificent as I knew he would be.
An inventive man.
I didn't go out the next day, the day after my birthday.
Or the day after that.
Xxx
I didn't go out the day after.
Or the day after that, for four months I pretty much stayed at home as much as I could. Blinds at half mast. Walking from room to room in a semi gloom that echoed the way I felt in heart and mind.
How would he like it ? I wondered.
If the shoe had been on his immaculate foot.
I felt ashamed for no other reason that it had happened before. And I began to wonder,
" Was it me ? "
Was I drawing into my life the thing I hated most.?
Violence.
Was I too loud, too independent, too tricky.
Three of them.
Really ?
They say the thing men fear worst is rejection by a woman.
And the thing women fear most ?
Being hit.
They say a life unexamined is a life not worth living.
So I examined.
He denied it when I told him to apologise.
Didn't know what I was talking about. Had been drinking and subsequently drink driving all the while stabbing at the clock on the dash
Telling me how many minutes it had been since I was wasting his time.
Screaming at the top of his lungs, abusing me.
I should have opened the car door and jumped out.
But I was frozen, a scenario I had known of old.
And I knew the way it would end.
Escalating voice, a slap across the face. And being told not to cry.
My Mother had said that her Mother would do that. Slap her hard and then tell her not to cry.
He felt remorse, told me to hit him back.
I should have.
But silent, in shock I said nothing. Just stumbled down from the high front seat and fled.
" No kiss then ? " he said to my retreating back.
I didn't go out the next day, or the day after that.
I felt like I was the worst person in the world. Low, scummy.
It had come as such a shock, out of the blue, no warning.
One minute talking softly in the front of the car and the next he snapped.
" I bet you don't even know where it is, you stupid bitch "
He had never spoken to me like that before, ever.
I went into disbelief, my mind whirling like some demented whirling dervish.
The rant lasted 15 long minutes, trapped as I was in the front of the high up cabin of his very expensive car.
I began to think I was going to die, especially when he said he was drink driving.
But I was inert, shrunken against the window as I was. Smaller. No longer an intelligent independent woman. Just a thing.
And because I thought I had been somehow to blame I just babbled answers. Terrified. Saddened, disappointed beyond measure.
It had been his idea to come.
Asked me to text my address again as if he hadn't been to my place before.
And he was hours late, too late for the fast food outlets to be open as he wanted a " healthy " meal, not the chicken we offered in hospitality.
A healthy pizza if there is such a thing.
I shouldn't have said I would go with him to find food.
He was threatened and hungry and I make no excuses for him for that.
He was a coward. A bully. A misogynist.
In time I forgave him mentally for my sake not his.
" They", whoever they are, say a man only ever apologises when he has no other choice. Stops lying when and only when he's been caught out.
Then he will happily spill the beans. More than he needs to.
And of course in the beginning it was totally different. We danced around each other for three months. Two hurt people with sad pasts. Outwardly confident, successful. Ambitious.
Arrogant in a way.
And I liked him after a while. Liked his openness and honesty. Not scared to speak his mind.
He oozed confidence, strode not walked. An Alpha male.
He had my back then at work, where we met.
He asked me out three times and three times I refused.
I was very fat then and I admired the fact that he paid me attention, even though I was a ten tonne Tessie.
He was respectful, funny, sexy, oozed charisma. Powerful.
I wondered what was beneath.
I resigned and he chased me to my home.
I was shocked that he knew where I lived.
Little old me.
That first kiss sizzled.
I grabbed his hand and lead him to my room.
It was powerful and scary all at the same time but I am very confident in my ability to please.
And he was magnificent as I knew he would be.
An inventive man.
I didn't go out the next day, the day after my birthday.
Or the day after that.
Xxx
