Learned Helplessnes---Domestic Violence---And Safety After Leaving
Without Prejudice
The " Gun at my head "
So you have taken the first step out of Domestic Violence. That step out the front door is the most terrifying. The thought of the unknown, where do you go? Will people believe you one more time.
And even though you don't believe it, getting him or her to leave, although we all know he or she should, is often really hard. Sometimes it's easier to go yourself. It depends on circumstances. And don't forget, the abuser is used to having control over another human being.
The most dangerous time for the abused is upon leaving.
So safety, your own and your kids, must come first.
And no doubt you are not used to putting yourself first. But you deserve it. You do. Life will not be easy at first, I will not lie to you. But having control over your own life will compensate you more than anything else.
And the longing for the return to familiar is strong.
But ignore it.
My Dad said to me when I wanted to permanently leave and was worried about beds for the kids.
" You're not ready".
I was shocked.
" Of course I am ready." I replied.
And listed everything that was wrong.
My Dad replied,
" Everything you have had in life you will GET again. "
" The Salvos will give you beds, fridge, furniture, food, everything, or friends will step up to help, or family "
I looked at him and I knew he was right but could not get my head around those damn beds.
And went back.
I had never been counselled about domestic violence, had reached out to the Police, the clerk of courts, my best friends, family and I received the same answer time and time again.
" Aww, he works hard, he buys you things"
One girlfriend even commented with hostility.when I stayed with her for a few days.
" I've never seen you with a black eye, bruising "
I stood up and walked out.
Her Son was working for my abuser and both his Mum, ( my friend,) and he thought, he, my abuser, was a great guy, until he was let go with no pay.
Then a terrible tragedy happened. And I received grief counselling. Which turned into family counselling. And five months later I told my abuser to get out. Well, what I actually said after one of
his screaming rants, was,
" If you don't like it here why don't you just get out"
He looked at me and I looked at him and he went. He kept lists of what we did wrong to him, me and the kids. Our kids. And he had gone to reach for the lists out of the top of the wall unit. But he hesitated, looked at me again and left.
To say me and the kids were in shock was an understatement.
But we let him go in silence.
He made five trips back and forth to the car, not the red Ferrari, but the prized bronze wine G.T.
I had no idea how I was going to get through the next day, the next week, the next month but I thought if I can get through one day at a time, I'll be ok. WE will be ok.
For some reason I thought of fuses.
What would I do if the lights went out?
Obviously that was my minds way of coping with what I thought was too big a problem. Focusing on a tiny detail and not the big picture.
So for about six months after the leaving part you are often in a mind set called,
" Learned Heplessness"
The term came about from a famous science experiment, with dogs.
If the dogs turned one way they were given a mild shock.
Another way. Another shock.
The dogs became so confused that even when the shock was turned off they would not cross the tiny barrier and leave.
Hence the term,
" Learned Helplessness"
Thanks to Out Of The Fog
Learned Helplessness- Learned helplessness is when a person begins to believe that they have no control over a situation, even when they do.
Note the body language when we were just dating.
The " Gun at my head "
The Child Bride, I was 17, he was 23
So you have taken the first step out of Domestic Violence. That step out the front door is the most terrifying. The thought of the unknown, where do you go? Will people believe you one more time.
And even though you don't believe it, getting him or her to leave, although we all know he or she should, is often really hard. Sometimes it's easier to go yourself. It depends on circumstances. And don't forget, the abuser is used to having control over another human being.
The most dangerous time for the abused is upon leaving.
So safety, your own and your kids, must come first.
And no doubt you are not used to putting yourself first. But you deserve it. You do. Life will not be easy at first, I will not lie to you. But having control over your own life will compensate you more than anything else.
And the longing for the return to familiar is strong.
But ignore it.
My Dad said to me when I wanted to permanently leave and was worried about beds for the kids.
" You're not ready".
I was shocked.
" Of course I am ready." I replied.
And listed everything that was wrong.
My Dad replied,
" Everything you have had in life you will GET again. "
" The Salvos will give you beds, fridge, furniture, food, everything, or friends will step up to help, or family "
I looked at him and I knew he was right but could not get my head around those damn beds.
And went back.
I had never been counselled about domestic violence, had reached out to the Police, the clerk of courts, my best friends, family and I received the same answer time and time again.
" Aww, he works hard, he buys you things"
One girlfriend even commented with hostility.when I stayed with her for a few days.
" I've never seen you with a black eye, bruising "
I stood up and walked out.
Her Son was working for my abuser and both his Mum, ( my friend,) and he thought, he, my abuser, was a great guy, until he was let go with no pay.
Then a terrible tragedy happened. And I received grief counselling. Which turned into family counselling. And five months later I told my abuser to get out. Well, what I actually said after one of
his screaming rants, was,
" If you don't like it here why don't you just get out"
He looked at me and I looked at him and he went. He kept lists of what we did wrong to him, me and the kids. Our kids. And he had gone to reach for the lists out of the top of the wall unit. But he hesitated, looked at me again and left.
To say me and the kids were in shock was an understatement.
But we let him go in silence.
He made five trips back and forth to the car, not the red Ferrari, but the prized bronze wine G.T.
I had no idea how I was going to get through the next day, the next week, the next month but I thought if I can get through one day at a time, I'll be ok. WE will be ok.
For some reason I thought of fuses.
What would I do if the lights went out?
Obviously that was my minds way of coping with what I thought was too big a problem. Focusing on a tiny detail and not the big picture.
So for about six months after the leaving part you are often in a mind set called,
" Learned Heplessness"
The term came about from a famous science experiment, with dogs.
If the dogs turned one way they were given a mild shock.
Another way. Another shock.
The dogs became so confused that even when the shock was turned off they would not cross the tiny barrier and leave.
Hence the term,
" Learned Helplessness"
Thanks to Out Of The Fog
Learned Helplessness- Learned helplessness is when a person begins to believe that they have no control over a situation, even when they do.
The mantra of the person who suffers from Learned Helplessness is: "What's the point in trying?"
Learned Helplessness was discovered in 1965 by psychologist Martin Seligman while he was studying the behavior of dogs. In the experiment, which was designed to be a variation of Pavlov's famous "classical conditioning" experiment, Seligman restrained the dogs for some time in a hammock. Every time a sound was heard, the dog would receive an electrical shock. Later, the dogs were put in a confined box which they could easily jump out of. Seligman wanted to see if the dogs would have learned to jump out of the box when they heard the sound to escape the shocks. What surprised him was that the dogs just lay there and did not try to escape.
What Seligman had discovered was that the dogs had "learned" from the early part of the experiment that the shocks occurred at random, were unavoidable and didn't depend on their own behavior. The dogs could, in fact, just jump out of the box to escape the shock but they had learned otherwise.
This kind of behavior pattern has since been demonstrated in humans if they have been exposed to punishments or discomforts which seem random and unavoidable. A feeling of helplessness and no power to improve one's circumstances is one of the key factors in depression.
Learned Helplessness can lead a person to falsely believe that they are more powerless than they really are. This can lead to them making poor choices, resulting in a worse situation and a vicious cycle of depression sets in.
The Connection Between Learned Helplessness and Personality Disorders
If you are in a relationship with a person who suffers from a personality disorder, chances are that you have been exposed to repeated disappointments and discomforts which appear to occur at random. The actions and attitudes of a person with a personality disorder often do not make logical sense to others and it is common for those close to them to look for answers with little success.
Some people search for causes and correlations to explain the behaviors of a personality disordered person. Sometimes correlations are identified - but often these discoveries break down as the behavior of the PD really can't be controlled that easily. In most cases the Non-PD will experience further disappointments and over time begin to feel that the situation is helpless.
The reality is that the person with the personality disorder is the one who is in control of their own behavior. While people with personality disorders usually do not have direct control over the way they feel, they do have control of the way they behave.
So what's the problem here?
Non-PD's often struggle with how to deal with behavior of a loved one which they deem unacceptable. It's very common for the Non-PD to try to figure out ways to try to change that behavior. However, changing someone else's behavior is a bit like trying to control the weather. You can try and you will have good days some of the time and bad days some of the time. You really have no control.
In other words, the cavalry ain't coming baby !
But the relief of meeting challenges and conquering them is fantastic. The relief of thinking your own thoughts, feeling your own emotions, then helping others is unbelievable.
Every human being in this world has the right to be themselves.
Live with dignity.
And repeat and repeat the mantra.
It's their problem not mine. I did nothing to cause this.
They are the ones with a problem, not you, no matter how many times you have been told you are dumb, lazy, fat, bad parent. Trust me, you are not.
And domestic violence is now out in the open. It's no longer a silent problem. It's been dragged out into the light and examined. I think the first incident of abuse should be a mandatory jail sentence, no excuses. If alcohol or drugs were involved, a mandatory course to be done.
Men and women know to hit another human being with intent to harm is cowardly and weak. It's the lowest of the low. Violence is abborhent. It's the last resort of a weak person. And it goes against everything we are taught. It's not ok to harm an animal, nor a human.
I was never smacked in my life, ever, so had no idea that domestic violence existed in the world. Men that hit women ??? Or vice versa. Women hitting men, parents beating children.
What ?
Domestic violence is an ugly subject and I apologise if you hate me mentioning it. It's not an easy fund raiser to sell. It doesn't have fluffy kittens or sweet puppies. It's black eyes and bruising and bloodied lips. Or strangle marks around the neck, really ugly stuff.
And the perp doesn't like it either. Who wants to be regarded as lower than pond scum. Look at O. J. Simpson.
Barely anyone respects him anymore.
Anyway I have ranted enough. Take care out there.
Nette x
