Losing My Religion.---God,
Without Prejudice
God is in everything. That was what I learned from my Sunday School days. He watched from a distance with a kindly gaze. I hated to disappoint him but I lied once about it being my Birthday so I could earn an extra stamp. The Stamps were beautifully coloured pieces of paper, tiny, just like a postage stamp but hued in cerulean blues, scarlet and golds. I wanted more than one for attendance. So I lied and said it was my Birthday.
Naturally I was caught out in the lie. My older sister dobbed on me to the Sunday School Teacher and there I was, exposed at 4. As a liar. I wanted the pretty Stamps to be nestled in the bottomif my small cane handbag. My older Sister and I dressed alike for Sunday School. A dress, an angora or wool bolero to cover our shoulders, a hat to cover our heads, gloves. The dresses were made by a " little woman ", as my Mother called her. Unlike the majority of her generation my Mother did not knit, crochet or dressmake.
After my older brother James was killed when I was 5 my Mother lost her religion and by consequence so did we her children. My Dad stayed grounded in the Presbyterian faith. But as Mum was the leader in the marriage we kids were told religion was for idiots. My Mother turned not just Aetheist but Anagnostic. I remember the feeling of loss. All tied up with my brothers death.
Dad had been an elder in the Church, my oldest brother a Sunday School Teacher. Both parents attended the social nights. But then nothing. Our spirits in nowhere land. It would take me many years to regain my faith, to believe in something bigger than I was. To gain back the structure, discipline, love, faith, hope and obedience to the laws preached in the Gospel.
The not stealing, not coveting, not being adulterous, not killing commandments.
With the advent of the Internet I was convinced that everything was based on scientific fact. That every answer was in Google. And it wasn't. My soul not just my brain craved sustenance. And I began to notice that people of Faith had a better outlook on life than I did. That " Those People " had " Something " that I didn't. And I wanted it.
A reason to exist after the death of my youngest child. To go on with a life that was no longer devoid of proper meaning. I just existed, maybe waiting for death to claim me and stop the pain of grief. I longed for " something " but I didn't know what " something" was, having lost it and Him and my brother at 5. One thing I felt like I was an expert on was death. The dead didn't come back.
Not in body, anyway.
One of my daughters became born again and was baptised last year. She was so happy and remains so after a severe trauma had made her just about lose her mind. Two years down the track her life is better than it ever was before the trauma and conversion. From a distance I watched and waited, I was terrified for her at first, fearing it was a flash in the pan and her non eating illness would return.
But it never has and thank God for that as we nearly lost her then. She stopped eating and then worst of all she stopped even drinking water. So traumatised was she from a physical assault by grown women. She was beaten badly. Many against one. She never stood a chance.
Her arms and breasts deeply scratched as if by some wild monster. Her fingers broken, her head gashed by a full bottle smashed on it. She was never going to recover from the trauma it seemed. She looked for answers in everything. And then found her Christanity, ( there from a child) returning. And then she began healing. She who had wanted to suicude so many times.
So with her return, my return followed. Not in a Hallelujah way but just as a gentle " knowing " and my life improved. I began to get paid for my stories, I became the 3rd top travel writer in Melbourne (and I really have to go somewhere new to write more.)
I lost 24 kilos and exercised faithfully every day. I gained a wonderful man and stayed loyal to him no matter what. Me who had been so hurt by men in my past I cared little for them, nor held them in any regard. I gained a home, more children to love and teach. All the things I had ever wanted. All from Faith and putting in the hard work and honesty with myself. Asking for forgiveness for past transgressions and moving forward honestly.
I lost my Religion and I found it again, thank You, God.
Love Janette
God is in everything. That was what I learned from my Sunday School days. He watched from a distance with a kindly gaze. I hated to disappoint him but I lied once about it being my Birthday so I could earn an extra stamp. The Stamps were beautifully coloured pieces of paper, tiny, just like a postage stamp but hued in cerulean blues, scarlet and golds. I wanted more than one for attendance. So I lied and said it was my Birthday.
Naturally I was caught out in the lie. My older sister dobbed on me to the Sunday School Teacher and there I was, exposed at 4. As a liar. I wanted the pretty Stamps to be nestled in the bottomif my small cane handbag. My older Sister and I dressed alike for Sunday School. A dress, an angora or wool bolero to cover our shoulders, a hat to cover our heads, gloves. The dresses were made by a " little woman ", as my Mother called her. Unlike the majority of her generation my Mother did not knit, crochet or dressmake.
After my older brother James was killed when I was 5 my Mother lost her religion and by consequence so did we her children. My Dad stayed grounded in the Presbyterian faith. But as Mum was the leader in the marriage we kids were told religion was for idiots. My Mother turned not just Aetheist but Anagnostic. I remember the feeling of loss. All tied up with my brothers death.
Dad had been an elder in the Church, my oldest brother a Sunday School Teacher. Both parents attended the social nights. But then nothing. Our spirits in nowhere land. It would take me many years to regain my faith, to believe in something bigger than I was. To gain back the structure, discipline, love, faith, hope and obedience to the laws preached in the Gospel.
The not stealing, not coveting, not being adulterous, not killing commandments.
With the advent of the Internet I was convinced that everything was based on scientific fact. That every answer was in Google. And it wasn't. My soul not just my brain craved sustenance. And I began to notice that people of Faith had a better outlook on life than I did. That " Those People " had " Something " that I didn't. And I wanted it.
A reason to exist after the death of my youngest child. To go on with a life that was no longer devoid of proper meaning. I just existed, maybe waiting for death to claim me and stop the pain of grief. I longed for " something " but I didn't know what " something" was, having lost it and Him and my brother at 5. One thing I felt like I was an expert on was death. The dead didn't come back.
Not in body, anyway.
One of my daughters became born again and was baptised last year. She was so happy and remains so after a severe trauma had made her just about lose her mind. Two years down the track her life is better than it ever was before the trauma and conversion. From a distance I watched and waited, I was terrified for her at first, fearing it was a flash in the pan and her non eating illness would return.
But it never has and thank God for that as we nearly lost her then. She stopped eating and then worst of all she stopped even drinking water. So traumatised was she from a physical assault by grown women. She was beaten badly. Many against one. She never stood a chance.
Her arms and breasts deeply scratched as if by some wild monster. Her fingers broken, her head gashed by a full bottle smashed on it. She was never going to recover from the trauma it seemed. She looked for answers in everything. And then found her Christanity, ( there from a child) returning. And then she began healing. She who had wanted to suicude so many times.
So with her return, my return followed. Not in a Hallelujah way but just as a gentle " knowing " and my life improved. I began to get paid for my stories, I became the 3rd top travel writer in Melbourne (and I really have to go somewhere new to write more.)
I lost 24 kilos and exercised faithfully every day. I gained a wonderful man and stayed loyal to him no matter what. Me who had been so hurt by men in my past I cared little for them, nor held them in any regard. I gained a home, more children to love and teach. All the things I had ever wanted. All from Faith and putting in the hard work and honesty with myself. Asking for forgiveness for past transgressions and moving forward honestly.
I lost my Religion and I found it again, thank You, God.
Love Janette
