I'm a Bitch
Without Prejudice
I'm a bitch, just ask my girls. They know what a bitch I can be. I expect the best. And I am demanding. I have to have the best out of them but no less than I ask of myself. I will work till I drop, without let up, in heat, in cold, doesn't matter.
Today I worked out in the heat till 12. I couldn't stop. Work soothes me like nothing else and I want it done and I want it now. Then I wondered why I had a pounding headache, later. It was so hot but I wanted to finish. I am a perfectionist bitch, anal, OCD. I want the best.
I have been learning how to pace it, slow down just. A little. But I can't without concerted effort and an enormous sense of guilt. I don't relax anytime. I am always on the alert. Like a German Sheperd my ears are always pricked up. My eyes wide open to disaster.
And it makes me a bitch. Sharp of tongue and immensely demanding. My girls are gorgeous and they know I love them. Same for my grand children. They are all wonderful to me. But I will push them and push them to get the result I want. Kyle said to me tonight,
" nana, why are you so annoying.
My reply,
Because I just am.
And I am. I am immensely competitive. Thanks brothers.
I am perfectionist. Thanks Dad.
I can be as cold as ice. Thanks Mum.
I can not recall a time when my Mum put her arm around me and told me she was proud of me. Dad, yes, Mum, no. But she had her own struggles with mental illness and depression. She was also schizophrenic towards the end of her life. Heard voices, saw things, screamed out in the middle of the night.
She lost a child, my brother, James, aged 11, here in her new homeland. No solace to be found with relatives, who were all back in the U.K. It was just Dad and us kids. I was 5. Towards the end of her life at 53 she used to say she had lost Jamie in Woolies and couldn't find him.
Interestingly, I think my own family think I will do the same. Lose my mind to grief. When I start goose stepping up and down the verandah, like she did, I'll let you know. In the mean time I will go on just being a bitch.
Nette xxx
I'm a bitch, just ask my girls. They know what a bitch I can be. I expect the best. And I am demanding. I have to have the best out of them but no less than I ask of myself. I will work till I drop, without let up, in heat, in cold, doesn't matter.
Today I worked out in the heat till 12. I couldn't stop. Work soothes me like nothing else and I want it done and I want it now. Then I wondered why I had a pounding headache, later. It was so hot but I wanted to finish. I am a perfectionist bitch, anal, OCD. I want the best.
I have been learning how to pace it, slow down just. A little. But I can't without concerted effort and an enormous sense of guilt. I don't relax anytime. I am always on the alert. Like a German Sheperd my ears are always pricked up. My eyes wide open to disaster.
And it makes me a bitch. Sharp of tongue and immensely demanding. My girls are gorgeous and they know I love them. Same for my grand children. They are all wonderful to me. But I will push them and push them to get the result I want. Kyle said to me tonight,
" nana, why are you so annoying.
My reply,
Because I just am.
And I am. I am immensely competitive. Thanks brothers.
I am perfectionist. Thanks Dad.
I can be as cold as ice. Thanks Mum.
I can not recall a time when my Mum put her arm around me and told me she was proud of me. Dad, yes, Mum, no. But she had her own struggles with mental illness and depression. She was also schizophrenic towards the end of her life. Heard voices, saw things, screamed out in the middle of the night.
She lost a child, my brother, James, aged 11, here in her new homeland. No solace to be found with relatives, who were all back in the U.K. It was just Dad and us kids. I was 5. Towards the end of her life at 53 she used to say she had lost Jamie in Woolies and couldn't find him.
Interestingly, I think my own family think I will do the same. Lose my mind to grief. When I start goose stepping up and down the verandah, like she did, I'll let you know. In the mean time I will go on just being a bitch.
Nette xxx
