When Does It End,? And Millionaires
Without Prejudice
MY youngest daughter has had a breakdown. A major heartbreaking breakdown that seems to go on forever. She had a traumatic childhood, a happy little girl that after 5 was zeroed in on by my ex for "special attention " he seemed to hate her. The physical beatings hidden to the world were not as damaging as the silent cruelty he would regard her with.
The second oldest too bore his hatred. The psych tells me that both have Border Line Personality disorder, mainly from trauma suffered as kids. And I blame myself as much as anyone. I tried to leave so many times and always had to go back. I thought I was giving them a better future by staying, but I was making it worse.
In hindsight I should have left and stayed left and I urge anyone that has domestic violence going on in their life to leave and stay left.
I am sad for my girls and what I put them through and I have to live with that. No one saw the things we saw, we kept them hidden and we kept silent out of fear.
He once dragged me outside in the cold, naked and said he would burn the house down with the babies in it, his babies. My babies. He beat me and then let me back in and became aroused at my battered face and proceeded to have sex with me patting and stroking my bruised eyes and face. I just lay there, tears sliding in to my ears.
When we finally split after I had counselling for the death if my daughter aged 12, I never ever missed him. Writing these stories has brought it all back up and I tried to commit suicide on the anniversary of her death last year. I realised what I was doing and rang an ambulance and the emergency department gave me six free sessions with a psychologist.
He turned out to be the same man that had counselled me for grief all those years ago.
He said my hatred and fear of violent men, all men, was understandable. That I was allowed to forgive him but not forget. I think I would rather try and forget and not forgive as some things in life are just not forgive able. Some things are just evil.
Even worse is that good men stood by and did nothing. Everyone knew how violent my ex was but no one offered a way out. I can only recall one man that tried to stop him from beating his daughters. Most others only saw the outgoing charismatic generous hard working husband and Father. No one saw the man that locked the door on visitors and turned to me with " The Look ". The look that meant fear for me.
I escaped once with the kids, driving to Queensland, and my Brother In Law refused to believe that good old B. would be capable of hitting a woman. He told my Sister to not believe me.
That was the way it was then, domestic violence was suffered in silence. I went to my male doctor and he asked if I provoked it, that kept me there a while longer, as I pondered if I had.
But I knew I didn't. The violence would come every three months. It built fir 12 weeks and his only release was to strike out. He also hit other people, he lived being violent, relished it, laughed about it. The girls and I bought into it like a sick addiction.
He would strangle drivers that annoyed him, stop his car in the middle of the road and get out, a big guy with a hair trigger temper. His little girls watching in silence. I wouldn't look as he wanted me to. I was disgusted but didn't dare say so.
Lots of people knew it was going on and his affairs. A neighbourhood group of women invited me to a group meeting and told me he was knocking off young girls at the local hotel. That it was all over the neighbourhood, I didn't believe them. Six if them telling me the same thing and for some reason I thought they were lying to hurt me.
Never put up with domestic violence, it is a sickness. An illness and an honest man will own up to it, a devious man will not.
If I had known the damage I was doing my children ...............
My daughter is 37 and the repressed rage and helplessness she must feel has turned inwards, now. No self esteem, damaged life, she must wonder what she did as a child to deserve his hatred. She didn't do anything. She was a child . I have tried to tell her but some wounds go too deep. He used to invite me sometimes to kill him. In hindsight, I should have.
And what of him now ? Who knows, who cares ? I write this only as a record. I find if something bad happens, some people think you somehow caused it or deserved it.
And what of my family ? Why didn't they step in, you ask ? Especially the men .
No idea, unless by acknowledging it, they felt uncomfortable as men. Felt bad they stood by in silence.
Since my youngest daughter died, when her Sisters were 14 , 18 and 19 my family has been to see me in Melbourne very little. One Sister in 23 years has never come, one other Sister has, maybe three times, my Brother In Law, never.
They all are very wealthy and successful these days. Do they help ? No.
My Son In Law asked them for a loan for private treatment for his wife in desperation just recently. They had a family meeting and told him after a week they could "scrape " it up. One had just paid 90,000 for his last trip. My Son In Law kept saying the one word, scraped, for a week and didn't bother to contact them back.
I never try to take anything from them. I know they get hit on by others for money. I have borrowed money from my brother twice, once for a car for my daughter and gave him $500 interest after 12 months. That's only fair and once 1,709 for 3 weeks only and he didn't want interest on that one.
They live in great big houses and have beautiful cars, lives and I am very proud of them and how hard they work.
One nasty friend said recently
" Stop raving on about your rich family"
I replied I was proud of them as we came from such poor backgrounds.
I didn't realise I was carrying on about them being "Rich"
She just wanted to hurt me as much as she could for saying I had a lovely life.
"Pity they can't house you or buy you something better than that old bomb you drive around in then "
She's a wog wog as she likes to call herself and it's all about the bucks with her. She has kids she doesn't talk to, Grandkids she doesn't see and hasn't for years. If you don't have 3 houses like her and a hundred thousand dollars worth of debt at 67, you don't have anything as far as she is concerned.
I t
MY youngest daughter has had a breakdown. A major heartbreaking breakdown that seems to go on forever. She had a traumatic childhood, a happy little girl that after 5 was zeroed in on by my ex for "special attention " he seemed to hate her. The physical beatings hidden to the world were not as damaging as the silent cruelty he would regard her with.
The second oldest too bore his hatred. The psych tells me that both have Border Line Personality disorder, mainly from trauma suffered as kids. And I blame myself as much as anyone. I tried to leave so many times and always had to go back. I thought I was giving them a better future by staying, but I was making it worse.
In hindsight I should have left and stayed left and I urge anyone that has domestic violence going on in their life to leave and stay left.
I am sad for my girls and what I put them through and I have to live with that. No one saw the things we saw, we kept them hidden and we kept silent out of fear.
He once dragged me outside in the cold, naked and said he would burn the house down with the babies in it, his babies. My babies. He beat me and then let me back in and became aroused at my battered face and proceeded to have sex with me patting and stroking my bruised eyes and face. I just lay there, tears sliding in to my ears.
When we finally split after I had counselling for the death if my daughter aged 12, I never ever missed him. Writing these stories has brought it all back up and I tried to commit suicide on the anniversary of her death last year. I realised what I was doing and rang an ambulance and the emergency department gave me six free sessions with a psychologist.
He turned out to be the same man that had counselled me for grief all those years ago.
He said my hatred and fear of violent men, all men, was understandable. That I was allowed to forgive him but not forget. I think I would rather try and forget and not forgive as some things in life are just not forgive able. Some things are just evil.
Even worse is that good men stood by and did nothing. Everyone knew how violent my ex was but no one offered a way out. I can only recall one man that tried to stop him from beating his daughters. Most others only saw the outgoing charismatic generous hard working husband and Father. No one saw the man that locked the door on visitors and turned to me with " The Look ". The look that meant fear for me.
I escaped once with the kids, driving to Queensland, and my Brother In Law refused to believe that good old B. would be capable of hitting a woman. He told my Sister to not believe me.
That was the way it was then, domestic violence was suffered in silence. I went to my male doctor and he asked if I provoked it, that kept me there a while longer, as I pondered if I had.
But I knew I didn't. The violence would come every three months. It built fir 12 weeks and his only release was to strike out. He also hit other people, he lived being violent, relished it, laughed about it. The girls and I bought into it like a sick addiction.
He would strangle drivers that annoyed him, stop his car in the middle of the road and get out, a big guy with a hair trigger temper. His little girls watching in silence. I wouldn't look as he wanted me to. I was disgusted but didn't dare say so.
Lots of people knew it was going on and his affairs. A neighbourhood group of women invited me to a group meeting and told me he was knocking off young girls at the local hotel. That it was all over the neighbourhood, I didn't believe them. Six if them telling me the same thing and for some reason I thought they were lying to hurt me.
Never put up with domestic violence, it is a sickness. An illness and an honest man will own up to it, a devious man will not.
If I had known the damage I was doing my children ...............
My daughter is 37 and the repressed rage and helplessness she must feel has turned inwards, now. No self esteem, damaged life, she must wonder what she did as a child to deserve his hatred. She didn't do anything. She was a child . I have tried to tell her but some wounds go too deep. He used to invite me sometimes to kill him. In hindsight, I should have.
And what of him now ? Who knows, who cares ? I write this only as a record. I find if something bad happens, some people think you somehow caused it or deserved it.
And what of my family ? Why didn't they step in, you ask ? Especially the men .
No idea, unless by acknowledging it, they felt uncomfortable as men. Felt bad they stood by in silence.
Since my youngest daughter died, when her Sisters were 14 , 18 and 19 my family has been to see me in Melbourne very little. One Sister in 23 years has never come, one other Sister has, maybe three times, my Brother In Law, never.
They all are very wealthy and successful these days. Do they help ? No.
My Son In Law asked them for a loan for private treatment for his wife in desperation just recently. They had a family meeting and told him after a week they could "scrape " it up. One had just paid 90,000 for his last trip. My Son In Law kept saying the one word, scraped, for a week and didn't bother to contact them back.
I never try to take anything from them. I know they get hit on by others for money. I have borrowed money from my brother twice, once for a car for my daughter and gave him $500 interest after 12 months. That's only fair and once 1,709 for 3 weeks only and he didn't want interest on that one.
They live in great big houses and have beautiful cars, lives and I am very proud of them and how hard they work.
One nasty friend said recently
" Stop raving on about your rich family"
I replied I was proud of them as we came from such poor backgrounds.
I didn't realise I was carrying on about them being "Rich"
She just wanted to hurt me as much as she could for saying I had a lovely life.
"Pity they can't house you or buy you something better than that old bomb you drive around in then "
She's a wog wog as she likes to call herself and it's all about the bucks with her. She has kids she doesn't talk to, Grandkids she doesn't see and hasn't for years. If you don't have 3 houses like her and a hundred thousand dollars worth of debt at 67, you don't have anything as far as she is concerned.
I t
