Girls That Run With The Brothers
Without Prejudice
From the time I can first remember I was surrounded by males. Three older brothers, one younger, my Dad. I have an older Sister who is five years older than me and who preferred the inside world of domesticity. I ran with the boys, we were covered in freckles, sunburned red peeling noses. The new Australian sun in Adelaide fierce on our fair Celtic skins.
When I was but two my entire family had emigrated to the new land of Australia, fleeing a cold post war Britain. My Mother, English, born in Wakefield, Yorkshire, my Father, Scottish, born in Glasgow. Both had served in the Second World War.
My Mother suffering from Post Traumatic Stress was schizophrenic. That was hidden to us most of the time but it came back to claim her when she was older and like a lot of schizophrenics killed herself. She was but 53.
We were a family of seven eventually, my youngest brother born in Adelaide, our first Aussie and when I was 14 and attending Grammar School in the U.K. my younger sister was born, a surprise to all of us.
But for the first fourteen years of my life I socialised, played, competed, had adventures and was nurtured by my brothers. We played Cowboys and Indians, ran outside, stole almonds from the next door's tree as we sat on the tin roof of our water tank,carefully climbed by me who was terrified of heights.
And when I was five, my older brother Jamie was killed. Suffocated in a sand cave in with his best friend, Wayne. The other two brothers were saved, thank God. George only seven and Ian twelve. A metaphorical bomb went off in Port Augusta that day, two young boys of 11 dead in a senseless accident. News reporters came from Adelaide so big was the story.
And so very sad.
I dedicate this blog to my brother, James Stuart, a gorgeous funny brainy boy who lived, laughed, mattered. A fantastic writer, a Harry Potter wizard boy who was brave and sunny natured. Accident prone even though he was not the naughtiest of us. Always remembered my beautiful brother.
From TIME Magazine
THE FIRST THING THAT STRIKES contemporary researchers when they study siblings is the
sheer quantity of time the kids spend in one another's presence and the power this has to teach them social skills. By the time children are 11, they devote about 33% of their free time to their siblings--more time than they spend with friends, parents, teachers or even by themselves--according to a well-regarded Penn State University study published in 1996. Later research, published last year, found that even adolescents, who have usually begun going their own way, devote at least 10 hours a week to activities with their siblings--a lot when you consider that with school, sports, dates and sleep, there aren't a whole lot of free hours left. In Mexican-American homes, where broods are generally
bigger, the figure tops 17 hours.
From the time I can first remember I was surrounded by males. Three older brothers, one younger, my Dad. I have an older Sister who is five years older than me and who preferred the inside world of domesticity. I ran with the boys, we were covered in freckles, sunburned red peeling noses. The new Australian sun in Adelaide fierce on our fair Celtic skins.
When I was but two my entire family had emigrated to the new land of Australia, fleeing a cold post war Britain. My Mother, English, born in Wakefield, Yorkshire, my Father, Scottish, born in Glasgow. Both had served in the Second World War.
My Mother suffering from Post Traumatic Stress was schizophrenic. That was hidden to us most of the time but it came back to claim her when she was older and like a lot of schizophrenics killed herself. She was but 53.
We were a family of seven eventually, my youngest brother born in Adelaide, our first Aussie and when I was 14 and attending Grammar School in the U.K. my younger sister was born, a surprise to all of us.
But for the first fourteen years of my life I socialised, played, competed, had adventures and was nurtured by my brothers. We played Cowboys and Indians, ran outside, stole almonds from the next door's tree as we sat on the tin roof of our water tank,carefully climbed by me who was terrified of heights.
And when I was five, my older brother Jamie was killed. Suffocated in a sand cave in with his best friend, Wayne. The other two brothers were saved, thank God. George only seven and Ian twelve. A metaphorical bomb went off in Port Augusta that day, two young boys of 11 dead in a senseless accident. News reporters came from Adelaide so big was the story.
And so very sad.
I dedicate this blog to my brother, James Stuart, a gorgeous funny brainy boy who lived, laughed, mattered. A fantastic writer, a Harry Potter wizard boy who was brave and sunny natured. Accident prone even though he was not the naughtiest of us. Always remembered my beautiful brother.
From TIME Magazine
From the time they are born, our brothers and sisters are our collaborators and co-conspirators, our role models and cautionary tales. They are our scolds, protectors, goads, tormentors, playmates, counselors, sources of envy, objects of pride. They teach us how to resolve conflicts and how not to; how to conduct friendships and when to walk away from them.
Sisters teach brothers about the mysteries of girls; brothers teach sisters about the puzzle of boys. Our spouses arrive comparatively late in our lives; our parents eventually leave us. Our siblings may be the only people we'll ever know who truly qualify as partners for life. "Siblings," says family sociologist Katherine Conger of the University of California, Davis, "are with us for the whole journey."
Sisters teach brothers about the mysteries of girls; brothers teach sisters about the puzzle of boys. Our spouses arrive comparatively late in our lives; our parents eventually leave us. Our siblings may be the only people we'll ever know who truly qualify as partners for life. "Siblings," says family sociologist Katherine Conger of the University of California, Davis, "are with us for the whole journey."
Within the scientific community, siblings have not been wholly ignored, but research has been limited mostly to discussions of birth order. Older sibs were said to be strivers; younger ones rebels; middle kids the lost souls. The stereotypes were broad, if not entirely untrue, and there the discussion mostly ended.
But all that's changing. At research centers in the U.S., Canada, Europe and elsewhere, investigators are launching a wealth of new studies into the sibling dynamic, looking at ways brothers and sisters steer one another into--or away from--risky behavior; how they form a protective buffer against family upheaval; how they educate one another about the opposite sex; how all siblings compete for family recognition and come to terms--or blows--over such impossibly charged issues as parental favoritism.
From that research, scientists are gaining intriguing insights into the people we become as adults. Does the manager who runs a congenial office call on the peacemaking skills learned in the family playroom? Does the student struggling with a professor who plays favorites summon up the coping skills acquired from dealing with a sister who was Daddy's girl? Do husbands and wives benefit from the intergender negotiations they waged when their most important partners were their sisters and brothers? All that is under investigation. "Siblings have just been off the radar screen until now," says Conger. But today serious work is revealing exactly how our brothers and sisters influence us.
•Why childhood fights between siblings can be good
THE FIRST THING THAT STRIKES contemporary researchers when they study siblings is the
sheer quantity of time the kids spend in one another's presence and the power this has to teach them social skills. By the time children are 11, they devote about 33% of their free time to their siblings--more time than they spend with friends, parents, teachers or even by themselves--according to a well-regarded Penn State University study published in 1996. Later research, published last year, found that even adolescents, who have usually begun going their own way, devote at least 10 hours a week to activities with their siblings--a lot when you consider that with school, sports, dates and sleep, there aren't a whole lot of free hours left. In Mexican-American homes, where broods are generally
bigger, the figure tops 17 hours.
"In general," says psychologist Daniel Shaw of the University of Pittsburgh, "parents serve the same
big-picture role as doctors on grand rounds. Siblings are like the nurses on the ward. They're there every day." All that proximity breeds an awful lot of intimacy--and an awful lot of friction.
big-picture role as doctors on grand rounds. Siblings are like the nurses on the ward. They're there every day." All that proximity breeds an awful lot of intimacy--and an awful lot of friction.
Laurie Kramer, professor of applied family studies at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, has found that, on average, sibs between 3 and 7 years old engage in some kind of conflict 3.5 times an hour. Kids in the 2-to-4 age group top out at 6.3--or more than one clash every 10 minutes, according to a Canadian study. "Getting along with a sister or brother," Kramer says dryly, "can be a frustrating experience."
But as much as all the fighting can set parents' hair on end, there's a lot of learning going on too, specifically about how conflicts, once begun, can be settled. Shaw and his colleagues conducted a years-long study in which they visited the homes of 90 2-year-old children who had at least one sibling, observing the target kids' innate temperaments and their parents' discipline styles. The researchers returned when the children were 5 and observed them again, this time in a structured play session with one close-in-age sib. The pairs were shown three toys but given only one to play with. They were told they could move onto the next one only when both agreed it was time to switch and further agreed which toy they wanted next.
That, as any parent knows, is a scenario trip-wired for fights--and that's what happened.
The experimenters ranked the conflicts on a five-point scale, with one being a single cross word and five being a full-blown brawl. The next year, they went to the same children's schools to observe them at play and interview their teachers. Almost universally, the kids who practiced the best conflict-resolution skills at home carried those abilities into the classroom.
The experimenters ranked the conflicts on a five-point scale, with one being a single cross word and five being a full-blown brawl. The next year, they went to the same children's schools to observe them at play and interview their teachers. Almost universally, the kids who practiced the best conflict-resolution skills at home carried those abilities into the classroom.
Certainly, there are other things that could account for what makes some kids battlers in school and others not. But the most powerful variables--parents and personality--were identified and their
influence isolated during the course of the two-year-long observations. Socioeconomic status, an X factor that bedevils studies like this one, was controlled by selecting all the families from the same economic stratum. Distill those influences away and what is left is the interaction of the sibs.
"Siblings have a socializing effect on one another," Shaw says. "When you tease out all the other
variables, it's the play styles that make the difference. Unlike a relationship with friends, you're stuck with your sibs. You learn to negotiate things day to day."
influence isolated during the course of the two-year-long observations. Socioeconomic status, an X factor that bedevils studies like this one, was controlled by selecting all the families from the same economic stratum. Distill those influences away and what is left is the interaction of the sibs.
"Siblings have a socializing effect on one another," Shaw says. "When you tease out all the other
variables, it's the play styles that make the difference. Unlike a relationship with friends, you're stuck with your sibs. You learn to negotiate things day to day."
It's that permanence, researchers believe, that makes siblings so valuable a rehearsal tool for later life. Adulthood, after all, is practically defined by peer relationships--the workplace, a marriage, the church building committee. As siblings, we may sulk and fume but by nighttime we still return to the same twin beds in the same shared room. Peace is made when one sib offers a toy or shares a thought or throws a pillow in a mock provocation that releases the lingering tension in a burst of roughhousing. Somewhere in there is the early training for the e-mail joke that breaks an office silence or the husband who signals that a fight is over by asking his wife what she thinks they should do about that fast-approaching vacation anyway. "Sibling relationships are where you learn all this,"
says developmental psychologist Susan McHale of Penn State University. "They are relationships between equals."
says developmental psychologist Susan McHale of Penn State University. "They are relationships between equals."
• How not being Mom's favorite can have its advantages
MULTICHILD HOUSEHOLDS CAN BE NOTHING short of palace courts, with alliances, feuds, grudges and loyalties, all changing day to day. Perhaps the touchiest problem in most such families is favoritism.
Parents feel a lot of guilt over the often evident if rarely admitted preference they harbor for one child over another--the sensitive mom who goes gooey over her son the poet, the hard-knocks dad who adores his tough-as-nails daughter. If favorites exist, however, it may be not the parents' fault, but evolution's.
The family began as--and remains--a survival unit, with parents agreeing to care for the kids, the kids agreeing to carry on the genes and all of them doing what they can to make sure no one gets eaten by wolves. But the resources that make this possible are limited. "Economic means, types of jobs, even love and affection are in finite supply," says psychologist Mark Feinberg of Penn State.
Parents, despite themselves, are programmed to notice the child who seems most worthy of the investment. While millenniums of socialization have helped us resist and even reverse this impulse, and we often pour much of a family's wealth and energy into the care of the disabled or
difficult child, our primal programming still draws us to
the pretty, gifted ones.
Parents, despite themselves, are programmed to notice the child who seems most worthy of the investment. While millenniums of socialization have helped us resist and even reverse this impulse, and we often pour much of a family's wealth and energy into the care of the disabled or
difficult child, our primal programming still draws us to
the pretty, gifted ones.
Conger devised a study to test how widespread favoritism is. She assembled a group of 384 adolescent sibling pairs and their parents, visiting them three times over three years and questioning them all about their relationships, their sense of well-being and more. To see how they interacted as a group, she videotaped them as they worked through sample conflicts.
Overall, she concluded that 65% of mothers and 70% of fathers exhibited a preference for one child--in most cases, the older one. What's more, the kids know what's going on. "They all say, 'Well, it makes sense that they would treat us differently, because he's older or we're a boy and a girl,'" Conger reports.
Overall, she concluded that 65% of mothers and 70% of fathers exhibited a preference for one child--in most cases, the older one. What's more, the kids know what's going on. "They all say, 'Well, it makes sense that they would treat us differently, because he's older or we're a boy and a girl,'" Conger reports.
At first, kids appear to adapt well to the disparity and often learn to game the system, flipping blatant favoritism back to their shared advantage. "They'll say to one another, 'Why don't you ask Mom if we can go to the mall because she never says no to you,'" says Conger. But at a
deeper level, second-tier children may pay a price. "They tend to be sadder and have more self-esteem questions," Conger says. "They feel like they're not as worthy, and
they're trying to figure out why."
deeper level, second-tier children may pay a price. "They tend to be sadder and have more self-esteem questions," Conger says. "They feel like they're not as worthy, and
they're trying to figure out why."
Think you're not still living the same reality show? Think
again. It's no accident that employees in the workplace instinctively know which person to send into the lion's den of the corner office with a risky proposal or a bit of bad news. And it's no coincidence that the sense of hurt feelings and adolescent envy you get when that same colleague emerges with the proposal approved and the boss's applause seems so familiar.
But what you summon up with the feelings you first had long ago is the knowledge you gained then too--that the smartest strategy is not to compete for approval but to strike a partnership with the favorite and spin the situation to benefit yourself as well. This idea did not occur to you de novo. You may know it now, but you learned it then.
again. It's no accident that employees in the workplace instinctively know which person to send into the lion's den of the corner office with a risky proposal or a bit of bad news. And it's no coincidence that the sense of hurt feelings and adolescent envy you get when that same colleague emerges with the proposal approved and the boss's applause seems so familiar.
But what you summon up with the feelings you first had long ago is the knowledge you gained then too--that the smartest strategy is not to compete for approval but to strike a partnership with the favorite and spin the situation to benefit yourself as well. This idea did not occur to you de novo. You may know it now, but you learned it then.
•Why your sibling is--or isn't--your best role model
IT'S NO SECRET THAT BROTHERS AND SISTERS emulate one another or that the learning flows both up and down the age ladder. Younger siblings mimic the
skills and strengths of older ones. Older sibs are prodded to attempt something new because they don't want to be shown up by a younger one who has already tried it.
More complex--and in many ways more important--are
those situations in which siblings don't mirror one another but differentiate themselves--a phenomenon psychologists call de-identification.
De-identification helps kids stake out personality turf inside the home, but it has another, far more important function: pushing some sibs away from risky behavior.
skills and strengths of older ones. Older sibs are prodded to attempt something new because they don't want to be shown up by a younger one who has already tried it.
More complex--and in many ways more important--are
those situations in which siblings don't mirror one another but differentiate themselves--a phenomenon psychologists call de-identification.
De-identification helps kids stake out personality turf inside the home, but it has another, far more important function: pushing some sibs away from risky behavior.
• How a sibling of the opposite sex can affect whom you
marry
marry
FAR SUBTLER--AND OFTEN FAR SWEETER--than the risk-taking modeling that occurs among all sibs is the gender modeling that plays out between opposite-sex ones. Brothers and sisters can be fierce de-identifiers. In a
study of adolescent boys and girls in central
Pennsylvania, the boys unsurprisingly scored higher in such traits as independence and competitiveness while girls did better in empathic characteristics like sensitivity and helpfulness.
What was less expected is that when kids
grow up with an opposite-sex sibling, such exposure doesn't temper gender-linked traits but accentuates them.
Both boys and girls hew closer still to gender stereotype and even seek friends who conform to those norms. "It's known as niche picking," says Kimberly Updegraff, a professor of family and human development at Arizona State University and the person who conducted the study. "By having a sibling who is one way, you strive to be different."
study of adolescent boys and girls in central
Pennsylvania, the boys unsurprisingly scored higher in such traits as independence and competitiveness while girls did better in empathic characteristics like sensitivity and helpfulness.
What was less expected is that when kids
grow up with an opposite-sex sibling, such exposure doesn't temper gender-linked traits but accentuates them.
Both boys and girls hew closer still to gender stereotype and even seek friends who conform to those norms. "It's known as niche picking," says Kimberly Updegraff, a professor of family and human development at Arizona State University and the person who conducted the study. "By having a sibling who is one way, you strive to be different."
But as kids get older, that distance from the other gender must, of necessity, close. Here kids with opposite-sex siblings have a marked advantage. Last year William Ickes, a psychologist at the University of Texas at Arlington, published a study in which he paired up male and female students--all of whom had grown up with an opposite-sex sibling--and set them to chatting with one
another.
Then he questioned the subjects about how the conversation went. In general, boys with older sisters or girls with older brothers were less fumbling at getting things going and kept the exchange flowing much more naturally.
another.
Then he questioned the subjects about how the conversation went. In general, boys with older sisters or girls with older brothers were less fumbling at getting things going and kept the exchange flowing much more naturally.
"The guys who had older sisters had more involving
interactions and were liked significantly more by their new female acquaintances," says Ickes. "Women with older brothers were more likely to strike up a conversation with the male stranger and to smile at him
more than he smiled at her."
interactions and were liked significantly more by their new female acquaintances," says Ickes. "Women with older brothers were more likely to strike up a conversation with the male stranger and to smile at him
more than he smiled at her."
