New Year 2012
Without Prejudice
There is a magic in the air this year, this New Year 2012. I have come to my oldest daughters house as it's empty. They have gone, the family on their Annual sojourn to Eden. In the "Windsor" caravan, my son in law, Andrew's prized find of second hand Retro done up to a new finish. he is ordinately proud of it as it was almost wrecked just after purchase by hail damage.
It was completely refurbished by an expert under insurance and Andrew is given to giving tours of "The Windsor" along with a fascinating discourse on the refurbishment. Every cunning detail shown for maximum effect and when he takes me on the tour I fall in love with it, of course, as I love Retro things. I have just recently purchased a retro Shelta Beach umbrella complete with fringing and it sell on Ebay for 20 times what I paid for it.
Andrew too has a love of the old,with history, which is what retro is all about. he still has his Boy Scout uniform from years ago and Deb my oldest daughter has threatened to throw it out along with his record of
The first Time Ever I saw Your Face", by Roberta Flack, which he plays in his "Man Cave", from time to time. Usually late at night when he is waxing contentment and mellow from a few wines.
The house has the two dogs in residence. Andrew's Mum and hubby Robert, calling in once a day to feed, Bennie, a beagle and Gizmo a maltese. I relieve them of there dog feeding duties and I settle down to peace and quiet and writing and Foxtel. The temperature is in the high 30's so the cooling goes on for me and the dogs.
I end up settling for Foxtel and watch a Sex and the City marathon, interrupted only by texts for the New Year from family and friends. The New Year marked by the explosions of fireworks in the neighbourhood. I wander into the vast newly renovated kitchen and Bennie is beside himself with fear. He trembles as if he has the flu and whines until I hold him and stroke him for over an hour.
Bennie is a big sooky la la, Gizmo is smaller and braver and can't understand Bennie's extreme reaction and licks his ears in sympathy. I am glad I'm there as Robert, Jan's hubby has Gout, now and it would have been difficult coming around to feed the dogs daily. And Bennie's distress would have gone un noticed. I am reminded of a dog I knew in the past that became so frightened at fireworks that he hurled himself through a laundry window and gashed himself really badly.
I sit outside for a while after midnight and think back on the crazy year 2011 was and hope 2012 will be more peaceful and not so traumatic. Was it what happened to me over the year or am I just too sensitive and view some things as really bad? I have a large family of girls, who are all strong and individual, and they themselves have 15 kids between them, ranging from 22 down to 15 months old. That's a lot of people and children and I am the Single parent who has been raising them forever and I resolve to simplify things this year.
I want my life to begin, now. I have raised kids and grand kids, other peoples kids too, when they were unable or unwilling to look after their own. Sometimes forever and sometimes just temporarily until their parents could step back up to full time parenting. And I was "In Service" to others and I loved it. only faulting sometimes when it all got too hard.
So how do I go about creating a new life that is more just for me when all I have done until now is be of service to others. What do i want, finally???? I want to be a better Grandma, in that instead of worrying, I teach, I mentor and I do NOT YELL! Yelling being a thing I used to love to do as I had to do it when a small child just to be heard in a family of 7.
Quick to eat as well as a child of a big family does, because if you didn't grab food you didn't eat. My Mother calling it the "Stretch or Starve " rule. I had older siblings that were genius, moody and bossy above me. I was number 5 and shy, sensitive and a tiny bit of a show off that got me through some of the painfully shy parts.
I want to finish my stories and write a novel but I know I will have to go somewhere for at least 3 weeks and do nothing but write. That's easy I can go to Queensland where 4 of my siblings live and go mid winter when the weather is unbearbly grim in Melbourne.
My sister Helen, who is a nurse, aged 45, wants to go to Camp Eden where I was sent last year. And my friend He4lena call around and she has Camp Eden on her list of things she wants to do in 2012 and I am delighted and tell her I would love to go again. Although I really think it's a journey you should take on your own and re connect with who you are. The real you, no holds barred, no excuses, just you and Camp Eden.
Ironically a friend, Tracey went after I had recommended it. to be company to a friend who was going through a messy divorce (Are they ever anything but ? ) and the friends brother passed away on the first day and Tracey ended up on her own.
After she had dropped off the friend whose brother had died she returned to Camp Eden, took off her glasses and jewellery and became just Tracey for the week, no phones, no emails, no interruptions, just peace, quiet and time for your self.
Ending up on her own and she had only gone to be good company to her friend and thought she had no issues with life. As had I. And we both found we were
People Pleasers" and had both been in service all our lives helping others. Because we thought we weren't "Fucked Up", like others and only we and we alone could save these people that drained us. There is a difference between giving a hand out rather than a hand up.
We spent time together and saw our similarities and she was gob smacked at my weight loss of 20 kilos since Camp Eden and so was I.
The New Year began with a new body therefore. A body I hadn't seen for years and to tell you the truth I was a bit timid about. Sometimes I was so strict with food I felt faint and Yvette, told me to push through the starving, starving feeling as it would pass and meant my stomach was shrinking. I kept writing and writing and writing and one day I just stood up and I was thinner than I had been in 20 years. Probably 22 years as it had been 22 years since Lauren died and I could swallow my feelings of guilt and depression with food.
And then I couldn't eat, not for love nor money. I just had no appetite for days and would eat maybe an apple or one icy pole. I was convinced if I let go the feeling of control I would eat and gorge my way back to the woman I had been before. But the miracle that happened was that the writing of the past had freed me from all the feeling of self loathing I had been going through for years.
I saw that by the writing I let go of the past and I placed it in my memory bank, only to be revisited on occasion, searching for happy warm memories and that was it. the past had been bad but I had to move away from it. Had to push it out of the front of my brain and in to the back of it. Let it lie, rest, nothing could be changed only my attitude towards it.
I had been through such a profound change after Camp Eden, and I wanted my New Year to reflect the change. Be more a funny Grandma rather than an overly concerned one, that made me anxious. Be a better friend, sister, Aunt, Mother, all the roles I was called on every day to play. I would no longer see myself as "Poor", I was "Rich", the people at Camp Eden had told me, "Rich" on ways I had not considered. I saw my kids and grand kids every day.
I had no major health issues apart from being 20 kilos overweight and now, even that was gone, melted away as if by magic. I was not addicted to anything any more, cigarettes had gone, alcohol had been gone for years, except very occasionally and my addiction to food was gone.
My brother George had confided in me that he envied me. He envied me as I had the family, who he adored and the grand kids and if there is one thing George and all my family love, it's kids. Yours, mine, ours, all kids. He envied me being able to be hugged every day and kissed every day and making a difference to a life every day. I had envied him for his fabulous life style, flying, here, doing deals, going overseas and interstate on business and pleasure.
He envied me !
I envied me when I came back from Camp Eden as I realised exactly what I had. I thought once I lost the weight I would admire my body rather than loathe it and I do. I revere it as it's the only body I have and I am going to damn well look after it. I intend on being here a long time. I want to see them grow up and the next generation comes along and I am still in my 50's, fit as a fiddle and I have a great grand child due this year, another baby, heaven !
There is nothing like a baby or two to help look after, or a child a teen, I don't care what age they are. Bring them to me and I will love them. Really love them and improve their manners and their English skills at no extra charge. I used to want to be a Teacher and now I teach a lot of people. I used to want to be a writer and I started to write again, stories at first and more later.
I used to want to be an inspiration to others and now I mentor. Just by being me and having a high IQ makes me want new challenges all the time and this year I am making it my goal to be more understanding and patient. That will be the hardest ask as I want to click my fingers and things change. Patience or my lack of it, my biggest bug bear. There is alot of things I want be this year.
The serious side of me bugs me and I want to be more light hearted and funny as funny is very gratifying. I like to cheer people up and make them laugh and Mother Teresa said,
"Help, just help and start with the person closest to you"
To all my lovely Family and Friends I wish an incredible year, this year 2012. Transform someone elses' life by all means and don't ever, ever give up. Its a beautiful, sometimes tiresome world, but it's our life that we can change and by changing help, not only ourselves first, but in the doing, change others. It's amazing how a happy positive outlook can change your life. Everything happens for a reason and as my brother Dave's friend Roy, often used to say.
"You can't change the hand life deals you but you can sure as shit learn how to handle it"
Love Janette xoxox
There is a magic in the air this year, this New Year 2012. I have come to my oldest daughters house as it's empty. They have gone, the family on their Annual sojourn to Eden. In the "Windsor" caravan, my son in law, Andrew's prized find of second hand Retro done up to a new finish. he is ordinately proud of it as it was almost wrecked just after purchase by hail damage.
It was completely refurbished by an expert under insurance and Andrew is given to giving tours of "The Windsor" along with a fascinating discourse on the refurbishment. Every cunning detail shown for maximum effect and when he takes me on the tour I fall in love with it, of course, as I love Retro things. I have just recently purchased a retro Shelta Beach umbrella complete with fringing and it sell on Ebay for 20 times what I paid for it.
Andrew too has a love of the old,with history, which is what retro is all about. he still has his Boy Scout uniform from years ago and Deb my oldest daughter has threatened to throw it out along with his record of
The first Time Ever I saw Your Face", by Roberta Flack, which he plays in his "Man Cave", from time to time. Usually late at night when he is waxing contentment and mellow from a few wines.
The house has the two dogs in residence. Andrew's Mum and hubby Robert, calling in once a day to feed, Bennie, a beagle and Gizmo a maltese. I relieve them of there dog feeding duties and I settle down to peace and quiet and writing and Foxtel. The temperature is in the high 30's so the cooling goes on for me and the dogs.
I end up settling for Foxtel and watch a Sex and the City marathon, interrupted only by texts for the New Year from family and friends. The New Year marked by the explosions of fireworks in the neighbourhood. I wander into the vast newly renovated kitchen and Bennie is beside himself with fear. He trembles as if he has the flu and whines until I hold him and stroke him for over an hour.
Bennie is a big sooky la la, Gizmo is smaller and braver and can't understand Bennie's extreme reaction and licks his ears in sympathy. I am glad I'm there as Robert, Jan's hubby has Gout, now and it would have been difficult coming around to feed the dogs daily. And Bennie's distress would have gone un noticed. I am reminded of a dog I knew in the past that became so frightened at fireworks that he hurled himself through a laundry window and gashed himself really badly.
I sit outside for a while after midnight and think back on the crazy year 2011 was and hope 2012 will be more peaceful and not so traumatic. Was it what happened to me over the year or am I just too sensitive and view some things as really bad? I have a large family of girls, who are all strong and individual, and they themselves have 15 kids between them, ranging from 22 down to 15 months old. That's a lot of people and children and I am the Single parent who has been raising them forever and I resolve to simplify things this year.
I want my life to begin, now. I have raised kids and grand kids, other peoples kids too, when they were unable or unwilling to look after their own. Sometimes forever and sometimes just temporarily until their parents could step back up to full time parenting. And I was "In Service" to others and I loved it. only faulting sometimes when it all got too hard.
So how do I go about creating a new life that is more just for me when all I have done until now is be of service to others. What do i want, finally???? I want to be a better Grandma, in that instead of worrying, I teach, I mentor and I do NOT YELL! Yelling being a thing I used to love to do as I had to do it when a small child just to be heard in a family of 7.
Quick to eat as well as a child of a big family does, because if you didn't grab food you didn't eat. My Mother calling it the "Stretch or Starve " rule. I had older siblings that were genius, moody and bossy above me. I was number 5 and shy, sensitive and a tiny bit of a show off that got me through some of the painfully shy parts.
I want to finish my stories and write a novel but I know I will have to go somewhere for at least 3 weeks and do nothing but write. That's easy I can go to Queensland where 4 of my siblings live and go mid winter when the weather is unbearbly grim in Melbourne.
My sister Helen, who is a nurse, aged 45, wants to go to Camp Eden where I was sent last year. And my friend He4lena call around and she has Camp Eden on her list of things she wants to do in 2012 and I am delighted and tell her I would love to go again. Although I really think it's a journey you should take on your own and re connect with who you are. The real you, no holds barred, no excuses, just you and Camp Eden.
Ironically a friend, Tracey went after I had recommended it. to be company to a friend who was going through a messy divorce (Are they ever anything but ? ) and the friends brother passed away on the first day and Tracey ended up on her own.
After she had dropped off the friend whose brother had died she returned to Camp Eden, took off her glasses and jewellery and became just Tracey for the week, no phones, no emails, no interruptions, just peace, quiet and time for your self.
Ending up on her own and she had only gone to be good company to her friend and thought she had no issues with life. As had I. And we both found we were
People Pleasers" and had both been in service all our lives helping others. Because we thought we weren't "Fucked Up", like others and only we and we alone could save these people that drained us. There is a difference between giving a hand out rather than a hand up.
We spent time together and saw our similarities and she was gob smacked at my weight loss of 20 kilos since Camp Eden and so was I.
The New Year began with a new body therefore. A body I hadn't seen for years and to tell you the truth I was a bit timid about. Sometimes I was so strict with food I felt faint and Yvette, told me to push through the starving, starving feeling as it would pass and meant my stomach was shrinking. I kept writing and writing and writing and one day I just stood up and I was thinner than I had been in 20 years. Probably 22 years as it had been 22 years since Lauren died and I could swallow my feelings of guilt and depression with food.
And then I couldn't eat, not for love nor money. I just had no appetite for days and would eat maybe an apple or one icy pole. I was convinced if I let go the feeling of control I would eat and gorge my way back to the woman I had been before. But the miracle that happened was that the writing of the past had freed me from all the feeling of self loathing I had been going through for years.
I saw that by the writing I let go of the past and I placed it in my memory bank, only to be revisited on occasion, searching for happy warm memories and that was it. the past had been bad but I had to move away from it. Had to push it out of the front of my brain and in to the back of it. Let it lie, rest, nothing could be changed only my attitude towards it.
I had been through such a profound change after Camp Eden, and I wanted my New Year to reflect the change. Be more a funny Grandma rather than an overly concerned one, that made me anxious. Be a better friend, sister, Aunt, Mother, all the roles I was called on every day to play. I would no longer see myself as "Poor", I was "Rich", the people at Camp Eden had told me, "Rich" on ways I had not considered. I saw my kids and grand kids every day.
I had no major health issues apart from being 20 kilos overweight and now, even that was gone, melted away as if by magic. I was not addicted to anything any more, cigarettes had gone, alcohol had been gone for years, except very occasionally and my addiction to food was gone.
My brother George had confided in me that he envied me. He envied me as I had the family, who he adored and the grand kids and if there is one thing George and all my family love, it's kids. Yours, mine, ours, all kids. He envied me being able to be hugged every day and kissed every day and making a difference to a life every day. I had envied him for his fabulous life style, flying, here, doing deals, going overseas and interstate on business and pleasure.
He envied me !
I envied me when I came back from Camp Eden as I realised exactly what I had. I thought once I lost the weight I would admire my body rather than loathe it and I do. I revere it as it's the only body I have and I am going to damn well look after it. I intend on being here a long time. I want to see them grow up and the next generation comes along and I am still in my 50's, fit as a fiddle and I have a great grand child due this year, another baby, heaven !
There is nothing like a baby or two to help look after, or a child a teen, I don't care what age they are. Bring them to me and I will love them. Really love them and improve their manners and their English skills at no extra charge. I used to want to be a Teacher and now I teach a lot of people. I used to want to be a writer and I started to write again, stories at first and more later.
I used to want to be an inspiration to others and now I mentor. Just by being me and having a high IQ makes me want new challenges all the time and this year I am making it my goal to be more understanding and patient. That will be the hardest ask as I want to click my fingers and things change. Patience or my lack of it, my biggest bug bear. There is alot of things I want be this year.
The serious side of me bugs me and I want to be more light hearted and funny as funny is very gratifying. I like to cheer people up and make them laugh and Mother Teresa said,
"Help, just help and start with the person closest to you"
To all my lovely Family and Friends I wish an incredible year, this year 2012. Transform someone elses' life by all means and don't ever, ever give up. Its a beautiful, sometimes tiresome world, but it's our life that we can change and by changing help, not only ourselves first, but in the doing, change others. It's amazing how a happy positive outlook can change your life. Everything happens for a reason and as my brother Dave's friend Roy, often used to say.
"You can't change the hand life deals you but you can sure as shit learn how to handle it"
Love Janette xoxox
