End of An Annus Horribilus
Without Prejudice
Its been a rotten year in some ways , a huge learning curve for all of us which is never a bad thing, anyway, We like challenges and surmounting them, Some of the most shocking was Mandy's death at 39, leaving 3 gorgeous kids and friends and family hurt and grieving and sad. The day after the funeral our old friend and protector Bonnie, the family dog of 11 years started to die.
The boys her babies decided to let her die in her sleep and even though Yvette and I were fearful of her being in pain, she died on her own terms, majestic and dignified as she had lived. We knew she was old and dying and there was little we could do except tell her in our quiet whisperings that she was loved and to let go, at last. Yvette telling her in the end to just let go, not to struggle and me and the boys finding out later we all did the same, allowed her to let go.
Boys in tears and grown men of 22, she was loved, lucky dog.
Yvette and I her last silent witnesses as she turned her head upwards, one more time towards the light, and she then died, without a whimper or protest, in her sleep as the boys wanted. And our grief was all mixed up, Mandy and Bonnie and it was hard to get back to normal for about a week.
We began the year OK. There were distant rumblings of trouble, certain individuals behaving badly. We make the boys our focus and if that part of our lives is Ok, the rest is Ok.
The boys have to come first or second now as Yvette and I realised we had to be well and happy to be there for them. And I went to Camp Eden and my life this year changed for the better. After Camp Eden, before that I wasn't too happy.
I hate winter weather and get a condition called SAD, which a lot of people get and it's a pain in the arse. I would love to live the Winter in Queensland but I would have to do without my main reasons for existence, my kids and Grandkids.
Alena was attacked by 10 women in the toilets of the Nu hotel and was hospialized and then had to go throught the ordeal of a court case, she had two broken fingers, they'd tried to smash a full bottle over head but luckily it, didn't break, she was covered in red scars of fingernails as if she had been clawed by some horrible animal.
Savaged her breasts and thighs, it was totally putrid and doesn't even bear thinking about, she had to have counselling and hospital stays. All inflicted by women, that's the worst part. Mid 30 Mothers, all feral as cats.
Anyway by June I was completely worn out and shitty and George, my older brother dragged my sorry whingeing arse on to a plane, which I decided to get scared about and cried all the way there. I have always hated flying, which is irrational, but there you have it.
And in Queensland I was determined to rest and feel better. David my younger brother treated me to a stay at Camp Eden for 5 days. I shared a room with a lovely girl of 32 whose husband dumped her after 6 months of marriage, they had been together 8 years and bought a house, no kids.
I didn't want to go at first, I was appalled at my body gaining so much weight after five months of giving up smoking, food my new addiction, replacing the old one. Most of my family chubby and short, and I thought I had no hope of getting back to normal weight. George my brother always called us "The Clumps" and that was what we were.
So I loved the experience and had a ball, the only one in my class of 16, who wasn't there by their own or their partners choice. I exercised and found an irrational fear of heights as well. And the life coaches were the best money could afford.
I ate my way to enlightenment and went back for seconds. the food 5 star and all healthy and beautifully prepared, By a Chef, who lived wholistically in that he and his girlfriend only eat organic or home prepared meals.
I went to all the classes I could and was amazed at how much better I felt day after day. Body wise. And I studiously avoided looking in mirrors at my matronly body, preferring to squint half blinking at any mirror.
I felt good, even on my own, I've always been like that, a big brain, who thinks a lot, overthinks, having reached the logical answer way too far ahead of others and want them to see what I can see. The logical answer. I discovered that others don't want to hear that.
It makes me seem arrogant and snappy and I am trying to slow down that reaction. People are human as am I, and no one is prone to make more mistakes than me, or as I was then. I was spouting health advantages and there I was looking like a cane toad, squat, venemous, spitting out poison beacuse I wasn't happy with my body.
Camp Eden was just excellent and ended up being fun and amazingly refreshing and quiet. No mobile phone reception, no emails, just rest and exercise and good food and beautiful weather. And the more I entered in to the experience the more I received back 10 fold.
We were told to write 3 goals for the next 12 months and I wrote them, not believing them for a bit, not a second. They were
1. Write a book
2. Have a fit normal weight brown body
3.Have a man who was my partner, full partner.
And they like to follow you up and make sure you are working towards your goals. For the most part I thought I wrote them but could not see them happening. A book, Massive task, a fit normal weight body, I had been overweight for years and a smoker. That goal seemed impossible, once realising I needed to lose 18 kilos two years ago. My doctor ticking me off for being so "heavy: and I was livid and burst into tears.
And the last one would entail the most work as I had been in an abusive marriage of 20 years and neither liked nor trusted men, a man hater underneath. Even though I loved men, it was weird. So I came home and expected everyone to be enlightened like me and crashed to the ground, badly.
I exercised and ground my own nuts and did all the things I had been taught. I changed and no one changed around me. I kept on for about a month of trying and trying and nothing worked. And one day I remembered David saying to me, "Write Stories", so much easier than a whole book with a concept of imagination.
So I started writing stories of my ex husband as he was a larger than life character and funny at times and then when I had exhausted funny stories of my ex I began to write darker things that needed to be "Let Out". And in the writing I could make sense of the things that had happened to us as a family.
I realised his family, not him, but his family were appalled as one, at his behaviour, but I "knew" him and I knew he was what he is and he will always be like that. And I accepted it. realising my kids have great Uncles that take on the role of kindly Father to them.
Not trying to pitch themselves against the Sun and getting their wings burnt, any more. He is what he is and I am sure he is very happy being like he is. I realised there are things you can change and human nature you cannot. So you go to the people that make you feel good about yourself.
And one day I just gave up my body to the Universe. I stood at the litchen window and said,
"You know what, God, I am giving this up to you, this struggle and you can take care of it"
Not in desperation just in the problem was bigger than me and the Universe, God, The higher intelligence could take care of it,
And the weight started coming off and at first I didn't realise as I was absorbed in writing. Writing out my angst and pain and terror and rage, and it became my food, my lover, my friend, my best friend.
People contacted me about the stories and I was surprised and delighted that they liked my "scribblings".
And the first success came at Camp Eden when I lost a few kilos from healthy eating and exercise in 5 days. And another came at the first comment on one of my stories and I realised I had a voice. A voice that had deferred to others over the years, from fear or shyness.
So I just wrote and wrote and wrote. Each a story of my life, a history from my observation post of tiny child to grown woman, my triumphs and failures. There were 209 or so and a readership of almost 5,000. I was so happy at that.
Delighted and honoured and humbled. And one day I stood up from the computer and I was skinnier. And I couldn't believe it. I mean of course I wasn't always at the computer. I moved and fidgeted and cried and thought about stories, this one and this one, some coming into my brain fully formed and others taking work. Sometimes just one finger pecking at the computer, writing through heartache and well meaning people.
I had to take this out as it offended slightly, or that might be offensive and I decided I can't write like that. You have to write the truth or else. I have been able to beat the self conciousness you feel at writing. Otherwise you are listening to others, you have to write what is in your heart, lay it bare on the page and endeavour to make sense of it. Without censorship.
Lucky me, Deb has given me a book voucher for Chrissy and it will be spent on Steven Kings excellent book "On writing". He writes every day, even Christmas Day, 10,000 words minimum and his advise for the beginner, 5,000. Thats a lot of words and 10.000 is immense. Wish my blog had a word counter on it.
I just have to guess. I know when it goes well and I know when its hard. Steven has had a day when he wrote one word, just one, and that gave me hope. Writing he is saying is a discipline or it has to become one. And so is reading other peoples books and I always get really jealous as they seem so much better than me, but I plod on regardless.
I write about everything, so one day my kids and grandkids will read about me and my history and it will either inspire them or give them understanding of who their Grand mother was. how she lived and loved and raised kids, not always perfectly as she was only human and a little scared before.
But now she's getting to know herself a little better. And it's an exciting journey, getting rid of the "dead wood" out of my life. If they are a whinge or a bore, be polite and get rid of them. But always be polite.
I was brought up to be a well mannered little girl and am generally appalled at some people's behaviour but now give back and can swear like a navvy if I have too. And get rid of annoying druggies or alcoholics. Word of advice never argue with a drunk, gets you nowhere.
I just call the cops these days and leave it for Yvette to sort out as she is a tough cookie and needs no help. Deranged men do not come anywhere near my grandkids, deranged men who are silly, spoilt and selfish and need a good smack from their Mummies instead of giving in to them.
And I went to see Deb after a long time and she was delighted at my weight loss, as was I. I finally looked fit, everything else hung of course, my arms and face at first. But I inspired her to also lose winter kilos and the bonus is that you have this incredible energy.
No longer wanting to lie on the couch and eat donuts, not that I ever did, if I lie on a couch it's resting my brain, which gets an incredible work out by focusing on memory and getting a sentence right. I only found that out in the last month, a big brain must rest and have peace and quiet, no wonder writers are such solitary people. That essence of truth can be hard to find at times.
The elusive truth darting amongst the plethora of words and yet it is the simple truth we search for and that can be hard. Also hard is trying not to sound jaded or offhand. Thats the skill of writing and I have been doing it since a little girl and could not do it after Lauren died.
I just couldn't because it was going to bring it all back, all that loss and pain and agonising grief. But I did, sometimes stopping to wipe my eyes and nose and leaving it all alone and coming back to it. I won't even go into the torture it was but just like when I go to her Memorial, I hate it, loathe it, but I feel better after.
And when I went to see my Doctor and show off my newly 20 kg less body from 2 years ago, he hugged me. And asked how I did it. I told Him about Camp Eden, and he nodded good, good, it is brain washing but in a good way and the writing was therapy.
He said by my writing about the past in all its richness and beauty and joy and all the rage and frustration and truth puts it away. And that is so true, I don't hate my ex husband any more, he is what he is and I am glad I have had 4 children to him.
I have that history and though it now seems to belong to another person I honour it, kiss it and put it away, not to come out again except in warm and loving and challenging memories. I keep Lauren around me in so many ways, big and little. Mostly little now, as she belongs in my heart as a gorgeous girl, full of love and her memories given to us are of her essentail good heartedness.
And by remembering her in thought and deed, well, the world has just got to be a happier place for us as that is exactly what she would want for us. Kiss that baby, hug that toddler, cry at someone elses pain as she would have. Gather around you people you can love and trust even when they are human and lose their tempers, or are shitty, fed up, crying, emotional all the foibles and fears.
I will miss her for every second, every minute, every hour, every day of the rest of my life. But rather than wallow in self pity I will make a difference, so will my girls, so will my family and extended family, my friends, my Clan. A Mckenzie one of course !
I thank God for the brothers I had, as they taught me to be competitive and to take no prisoners.They also taught me of the "Bastardry" of men. Ian telling me all men without exception are selfish and think they are Gods. He told me and Sylvia once, both of us single, to marry a woman, as they were much nicer than men, that all men are bastards.
Dave told me all men are unfaithful, and they don't usually have a high opinion of woman that have left them, that hurts Men more than anything, rejection by a woman and a woman's biggest fear.....Being hit.
Sensible men do the work on their own psyches as they get older and women already having reached full maturity years before, so there is a lot of eye rolling amongst women. Men are work, usually, and if you have kids they become another demanding kid, another job, another task, but in a full blown adult way. Even more annoying.
Men like to keep busy my gay friend Pei, told me, they don't sit around and tremble about their "Feelings" or talk about their relationship. They have to take the hard line sometimes against nattering women and escape to their man cave if they are lucky enough to have one.
I find the older I get I can see both points of view. Men's and womens. Men get less lively and slow down and women out strip them in health and challenges except physical. Women are smarter but we pretend we are not as the male ego is fragile. Not the ones I know, my brothers are very honest as men and see their faults and are more than happy to educate and help others.
I know my place in the pecking order, 5th, second girl, shy stubborn, bookish, genius in most academic pursuits, strongly opinionated, and underneath is a shy little girl that was soft and loved everybody. I am also midly bipolar one doctor told me, hence the three week periods when I have incredible almost manic energy and then have to rest. The manic not stopping until I have completed the task, and it will be incredible, the work I can churn out.
Last time it was moving the giant trampoline from one side of the house to the other, clean up the entire back and front yard, clean the house, clean unit from top to bottom 5 weeks before Christmas, write 150 stories, buy stock for Ebay, find it, sell it, take kids to school, don't eat much, it's bedlam but productive.
I am only mildly bi polar, God help the people that are fully like that. I am a "Big Brain", like Sheldon on the Big Bang, or my Grandson, Jai. The knowledge comes easily to us and we forget that others take a while to reach the logical conclusion we have already formed in our brains.
We have to be careful around other people, not demanding they see, silly idiots what we see, already. It can relate to Aspergers and I often wonder about that. So now I am older I don't dwell on it, I work with it and make sure I eat right and sleep well and take care of just me and that all helps.
I watch Jai and realise the struggles he goes through, he's a really great kid and he's sooooooo smart. I have a nephew Jamie, the same, a massive brain. he is the best person to have on your table at Trivia nights.
I retain useless facts and information and my best friend is a computer, because it's logical and makes sense and I avn find out facts that I ache to know. Ian once put me up against his Uni Friends, he was a bit tiddly at his 2nd wedding.So was I and I said to tell them to put their money where their mouths were. I said I'd bet them $20 a head if they were interested.
Ian's friends took up the challenge from a woman and a stay at home Mum at that and Ian got a little nervous and told me how smart these guys were. I wasn't in the least worried, Men and Uni Masters in Chinese and physics and maths. Specialists, easy, as they only intelligent in their own field. General knowledge is not a strong pursuit, nor celebrities and movies and song.
I trumped them with six questions and collected $120 with big congrats from the females in the room, especially Carol my adorable sister in law, who Ian was marrying. She's an angel of a woman. She said in her magnificent strine voice,
"Good on Ya , Janette "
I was rapt, strike one for females and strike two for stay at home Mums and strike three for my ex hubby who thought all woman were dumb. He never admired intelligence in me and when he found out I was going back to school, chased me and his own 5 year old daughter around the Kmart car park at Rosebud, trying to run us over, drunk.
Asshole.
Anyway, back to happier things.
I had to get teeth out and new ones made and that took forever and I realised how very vain I was as I would not go out for three months while the sharlatan dentist made the bloody things and on the day I went to Qld, picked them up and they were awful. Terrible. No wonder I cried on the plane to Queensland.
When I came home I complained and complained and had new teeth made by my old dentist of 30 years and were fantastic and were ready in a week. And it was worth the wait by then July and I had started in February.
February was made up of my giving up smoking. I was ready for a while, the cost, the smell, the effect on my health. I knew all those things but puffed away like the over anxious person, thinking they were calming me down. And they weren't. So in the end one phone call from my Mentor and I decided that I had to at least try.
I timed it to co incide with a horrible virus raging through the family at that time, one of extreme vomiting and illness, lasting about 3 days. And the day coincided with a trip to the movies with a friend. 15th February at 1pm 2011 I put a nicotine patch on.
By 2pm I was pretty much residing in the loos at Pinewood Theatre, vomiting curried egg and lettuce sandwich and orange juice, (my lunch) everywhere. It was ghastly. I can't begin to tell you how bad and forceful that virus was but I knew I was on the brink of getting it, and decided I would time it in with giving up smoking.
Needless to say I stayed in my unit for three days, emerging much weakened and taking myself striaght to the doctors to get the newly subsidised patches, a phone call and a nominal fee later I had them. The weather and my sweaty body making them slide off and I would tape them to my arms. Other smokers I didn't avoid either.
I saw people throwing lit butts half finished on the ground and my addiction was so strong I wanted to snatch them up and smoke them, someone else's saliva on them. That's how desperate I was, but the patches were good and after a month I went cold turkey.
And it worked at last, finally. I had a few minor infringements but found if I tried a cigarette I didn't like it, couldn't smoke it. So even now it surprises me, sneaks up on me,
"I am now a non smoker"
It doesn't bother me if other people smoke, I know they will come to their decision in their own time and it will be easier than they imagine. It was for me. Far easier than I had imagined it to be, and other people encouraged me, as they had done it.
I am woman so didn't want the weight gain but it came anyway. For the first month I found I could not cram enough in my mouth, my mouth felt "empty", so I would, lollies and white chocolate with coconut, soothed the feeling.
I am sure I was grumpy and irritable as that goes with giving up, but by the March, I had teeth out and was not a happy camper anyway, so just kept to myself. Luckily I like my own company, because there was lots of it. I hated going out in public as I had to wear a temporary plate and it was a pain and looked vile. I quickly learned to cover my mouth when out at the Shops.
me and vanity was a big struggle and before that I would have said I was not the least bothered about vanity at all. But I was and kept my mouth covered at Camp Eden as the bloody things didn't fit and hurt a lot. I could no way eat with them in, so would have to slide them out in a napkin and eat and then slip them back in.
And getting caught out going to see Bridesmaids with my younger sister Helen and the waitress whisked my napkin away at our pre movie dinner.
"Whose are these teeth ??"
Helen absolutely pissed her pants laughing as I very calmly said,
"Oh, they are mine", and held out my hand.
She laughed for a bout 10 minutes me joining her, gasping and laughing and we laughed at Bridesmaids as well and she begged my permission to tell others. And she did and creased up laughing every time. It was funny, but at Camp Eden I was just plain embarressed, sure people were watching me slip the bottom teeth out of my mouth.
Eating hurt, but I still managed to eat it all and go back for more. Little hog.
Gummed it down, inhaled it, I would have licked it off the floor if it had taken that. I looked at Heidi, Dave's girlfriend and she had given up smoking 4 years before and I knew she no longer felt the occasional craving like I did. I was envious of that, being untroubled from the old addiction.
And shortly after I returned Dave's daughter Haylee Rae lost her 20 week baby girl, Suzy and I went up the country to get away and my Sister In Law Kerrie's boyfriends Mum died, suddenly from a heart attack. So there was grief on all fronts, then Mandy died and Bonnie.
Torturous, we had been going through a custody battle all year with DHS and Yvette came into her own at that point and became the person she was always meant to be. Tough, uncompromising and more verbal than she had ever been before, and strong, she shed not a tear until Bonnie died.
Then she went to pieces, bits and we had to step in, the boys and I and get her back to health and happiness. We let her cry, sometimes for days on end. I suggested we get some sort of respite from the 2 younger boys, as the older ones were at work and school and at first she didn't like the idea.
Then she started to see the sense in it, Acer was overactive at 3 and brainy and bored. Cruz a little ball of fun at 12 months, seemed to be too young. And she feared then being taken from her even for a minute, But she saw reason and they go now Mondays and Fridays, even on the holidays and it gives her time to be herself.
She can sit, get a haircut, get her roots done. Time for herself as any mother of 7 realises, especially a single mother of 7. She states to all that she didn't start the journey of having 7 kids to end up a single Mother, but the Fathers of the boys, ( 2, ) one with 5 boys, Simon, and 2 with Peter, who is younger.
She's a sensible down to earth Mother and keeps males away if they are chasing demons, which they usually are. She likes and loves her boys so she's a pretty lucky Mum in that way and they are all scared to death of her, and that's a good thing. She rules !
We gave her a holiday in the April of this year and she took just Cruz and he was the best baby and the family in Queensland fell in love with him as everyone does. And she had a lovely time and came back to "Hell", in an interesting and surprising twist she lost custody of the three younger boys for 3 weeks, to family.
Peters family and ours and we were reeling, but she shed not a tear but attacked the Police and me, pushing me over and in the end she said take them, but she was screaming at everyone. She thought I had contacted DHS. But they took them off me as well and that was not reasonable but Yvette had told them we didn't get along and that she barely spoke to me.
She just became determined to get the kids back and she did and has had them ever since and she is exactly the same person as she always is and was. She only had to see one thing, her ex partners were not going to help her in anyway shape or form. And she saw them as the enemy for a while and DHS she always classes as the enemy, because they are like Herpes, you have them for life.
And you have the exes in your life too, even though you would rather you didn't. You have to retain some sort of relationship for the sake of the kids. the kids love the missing parent, they grow into larger than life characters to them, especially boys.
I do know that the 5 oldest worry about their Dad and hold out hope that one day he will change, but in the meantime they get on with their lives. They have lived Simons battles every day of their lives but they still love him and are protective of him and sort of feel a certain hopeless rage towards him.
He loves them too and I hope one day he puts them above all his addictions.
Peter the Father of the youngest 2 is young and lost his Dad, suddenly last year and this year his Mum got cancer. He resides at his Mothers place and is very quiet at the moment.
He apparently is in his room a lot and seems to have no desire to do anything else. Thats a shame as he is a healthy, good looking male with plenty going for him, but maybe he just needs time. Time enough for Yvette to hit him over the head with a pick axe handle I should imagine, Ho Ho Ho, (It's Christmas )
Yvette is just one of those people, pessimistic and can be gloomy but if you tease her out of it, she a warm and loving human being, and only me and the boys bear witnessed her deep grief for her "girl" Bonnie. She said she told Bonnie all her problems and Bonnie was always there for her, sensing that Yvette was her mistress and she bowed down to her. And in the end we bowed down to Bonnie.
Such unconditional love and devotion an animal brings. When the world doesn't love you, the animal still does. I have had my share of animals and allow adopted ones only now as I hate being tied down. I always had to freak about my cat Taz, a part Russian Blue, being looked after when I went away, which is often.
When I had to take her to be euthanised I was a basket case, sobbing at the front counter of the Vets and they had to take me away to another room as I was disturbing waiting patients. I cried on and off about Taz for months. And vowed and declared I was not getting another.
At Yvette's there is a muscle bound Tom called Nicky who rules the house and everyone knows about it. He is the grumpiest cat, aloof and distant until food is about to come out and then he's all affection. Sounds like most of the males I know.
\There is also an absolutely nut job of a Husky, female and she lolls out her tongue just to add to her foolish look. She's very pretty but lazy as all let out and the only time she is lively is if she escapes the yard. Then she's like a Husky in the snow and just runs and runs and runs, thinking she is on some artic surface and she won't come, return, nothing, she's just a white blur in the distance.
We've found out she comes back by herself now. I once minded her at Noble Park house when we were getting my unit built at Yvette's and the builders had to have access to the backyard. She disappeared one night and we were frantic.
I rang the pound and animal shelters and lost dogs and the councils and there was nothing.I canvassed all the neighbours and put a sign up at the Milk Bar. eight days later she returned. Smelling of some strange pungent odour and I took her straight back to Yvette's and we were all so delighted. Where had she been , we wondered, how did she know how to get back to my place after 8 days????
She had only been there a day and a half before she escaped. We were never to find out the answers but were of the mind she had been locked up somewhere and she had managed to escape and find her way back.
So I get my daily fill of animals and kids and get plenty of precious time to myself and it all works in it's own special way. I love all the boys but hover over Kyan a bit more. he was premature and had a seroius operation within day of being born 5 weeks early. And has a large scar on his belly because of it.
He hovered over me earlier in the year, having to pretend to not like me for his own protection, but I told him no matter what happened I would always be there for him, no matter what. He understood and now we have a pact.
If he feels a little threatened or anxious he comes to use my loo. He likes it as it is pretty and looks nice and he likes that I tell him to wash his hands and he always brings them to me to smell. And they all know, where to run, the "boys" if there is ever trouble, straight to Nana.
And they did that one night this year, scared to death, and I had to be up and chasing away a crazed man armed with a shovel. Fun ! I do it now as if I am making a cup of tea. I always can talk someone down off a high, using clever and cunning as that is what you are facing, their cleverness and cunning, abusive rants, and swear words.
I just say yeah, yeah, whatever, you better run I've called the cops, they usually have to do some sort of property damage, break a window or smash a door. I don't know why they have to, but it seems to make them feel better and in the end they run away, fearing the cops and courts and jail more than anything. Good.
Both the men have soft hearted Mothers and it has done them absolutely no good. Their sons non working pains and I blame that on the Mother. Anhd if they don't like it too bad, it's the truth. Both Mothers only sons, tell you much ????
They've raised silly little boys that have substance issues. have no idea of hard work, no conception and are just pains to us. Nice characters but weak.
We had an incident last night, just when we are relaxing for Xmas and the boys are hyper excited and it was almost a repeat of the earlier in the year incident. And just as dramatic and needless as ever and I rang the cops as ever. Sometimes they take ages and we have to blast them away ourselves. Yvette did pretty good this time.
We are going away next Christmas. I swear. We take all the emotion and bluster we can manage and then usually give them a good lesson and they leave us alone for a while. Simon's a nightmare as we both like and hate him.And when he's normal he's quiet and polite and sorry. Like his own sons, if only he realised it.
I am sure that's why the others go away at Christmas, get a break from the madness that swirls around our heads at this time of year. It's nuts but Yvette and I are used to it and couldn't give a bollocks this year, we are having a good time no matter what.
We've had a rotten year and a wonderful one in so many ways, just like everyone that is living. Life bringing it's share of brickbats and bouquets. As Dave my brother said this year in Remembrance of his good friend Roy Litterick, who died too young,
Roy would always say,
"You can't help the shit you are handed in life, but you sure as shit can learn how to handle it"
\
And that says it all for all of us, Marry Christmas, And either forgive or forget but don't do both.
Love Janette xoxo
Its been a rotten year in some ways , a huge learning curve for all of us which is never a bad thing, anyway, We like challenges and surmounting them, Some of the most shocking was Mandy's death at 39, leaving 3 gorgeous kids and friends and family hurt and grieving and sad. The day after the funeral our old friend and protector Bonnie, the family dog of 11 years started to die.
The boys her babies decided to let her die in her sleep and even though Yvette and I were fearful of her being in pain, she died on her own terms, majestic and dignified as she had lived. We knew she was old and dying and there was little we could do except tell her in our quiet whisperings that she was loved and to let go, at last. Yvette telling her in the end to just let go, not to struggle and me and the boys finding out later we all did the same, allowed her to let go.
Boys in tears and grown men of 22, she was loved, lucky dog.
Yvette and I her last silent witnesses as she turned her head upwards, one more time towards the light, and she then died, without a whimper or protest, in her sleep as the boys wanted. And our grief was all mixed up, Mandy and Bonnie and it was hard to get back to normal for about a week.
We began the year OK. There were distant rumblings of trouble, certain individuals behaving badly. We make the boys our focus and if that part of our lives is Ok, the rest is Ok.
The boys have to come first or second now as Yvette and I realised we had to be well and happy to be there for them. And I went to Camp Eden and my life this year changed for the better. After Camp Eden, before that I wasn't too happy.
I hate winter weather and get a condition called SAD, which a lot of people get and it's a pain in the arse. I would love to live the Winter in Queensland but I would have to do without my main reasons for existence, my kids and Grandkids.
Alena was attacked by 10 women in the toilets of the Nu hotel and was hospialized and then had to go throught the ordeal of a court case, she had two broken fingers, they'd tried to smash a full bottle over head but luckily it, didn't break, she was covered in red scars of fingernails as if she had been clawed by some horrible animal.
Savaged her breasts and thighs, it was totally putrid and doesn't even bear thinking about, she had to have counselling and hospital stays. All inflicted by women, that's the worst part. Mid 30 Mothers, all feral as cats.
Anyway by June I was completely worn out and shitty and George, my older brother dragged my sorry whingeing arse on to a plane, which I decided to get scared about and cried all the way there. I have always hated flying, which is irrational, but there you have it.
And in Queensland I was determined to rest and feel better. David my younger brother treated me to a stay at Camp Eden for 5 days. I shared a room with a lovely girl of 32 whose husband dumped her after 6 months of marriage, they had been together 8 years and bought a house, no kids.
I didn't want to go at first, I was appalled at my body gaining so much weight after five months of giving up smoking, food my new addiction, replacing the old one. Most of my family chubby and short, and I thought I had no hope of getting back to normal weight. George my brother always called us "The Clumps" and that was what we were.
So I loved the experience and had a ball, the only one in my class of 16, who wasn't there by their own or their partners choice. I exercised and found an irrational fear of heights as well. And the life coaches were the best money could afford.
I ate my way to enlightenment and went back for seconds. the food 5 star and all healthy and beautifully prepared, By a Chef, who lived wholistically in that he and his girlfriend only eat organic or home prepared meals.
I went to all the classes I could and was amazed at how much better I felt day after day. Body wise. And I studiously avoided looking in mirrors at my matronly body, preferring to squint half blinking at any mirror.
I felt good, even on my own, I've always been like that, a big brain, who thinks a lot, overthinks, having reached the logical answer way too far ahead of others and want them to see what I can see. The logical answer. I discovered that others don't want to hear that.
It makes me seem arrogant and snappy and I am trying to slow down that reaction. People are human as am I, and no one is prone to make more mistakes than me, or as I was then. I was spouting health advantages and there I was looking like a cane toad, squat, venemous, spitting out poison beacuse I wasn't happy with my body.
Camp Eden was just excellent and ended up being fun and amazingly refreshing and quiet. No mobile phone reception, no emails, just rest and exercise and good food and beautiful weather. And the more I entered in to the experience the more I received back 10 fold.
We were told to write 3 goals for the next 12 months and I wrote them, not believing them for a bit, not a second. They were
1. Write a book
2. Have a fit normal weight brown body
3.Have a man who was my partner, full partner.
And they like to follow you up and make sure you are working towards your goals. For the most part I thought I wrote them but could not see them happening. A book, Massive task, a fit normal weight body, I had been overweight for years and a smoker. That goal seemed impossible, once realising I needed to lose 18 kilos two years ago. My doctor ticking me off for being so "heavy: and I was livid and burst into tears.
And the last one would entail the most work as I had been in an abusive marriage of 20 years and neither liked nor trusted men, a man hater underneath. Even though I loved men, it was weird. So I came home and expected everyone to be enlightened like me and crashed to the ground, badly.
I exercised and ground my own nuts and did all the things I had been taught. I changed and no one changed around me. I kept on for about a month of trying and trying and nothing worked. And one day I remembered David saying to me, "Write Stories", so much easier than a whole book with a concept of imagination.
So I started writing stories of my ex husband as he was a larger than life character and funny at times and then when I had exhausted funny stories of my ex I began to write darker things that needed to be "Let Out". And in the writing I could make sense of the things that had happened to us as a family.
I realised his family, not him, but his family were appalled as one, at his behaviour, but I "knew" him and I knew he was what he is and he will always be like that. And I accepted it. realising my kids have great Uncles that take on the role of kindly Father to them.
Not trying to pitch themselves against the Sun and getting their wings burnt, any more. He is what he is and I am sure he is very happy being like he is. I realised there are things you can change and human nature you cannot. So you go to the people that make you feel good about yourself.
And one day I just gave up my body to the Universe. I stood at the litchen window and said,
"You know what, God, I am giving this up to you, this struggle and you can take care of it"
Not in desperation just in the problem was bigger than me and the Universe, God, The higher intelligence could take care of it,
And the weight started coming off and at first I didn't realise as I was absorbed in writing. Writing out my angst and pain and terror and rage, and it became my food, my lover, my friend, my best friend.
People contacted me about the stories and I was surprised and delighted that they liked my "scribblings".
And the first success came at Camp Eden when I lost a few kilos from healthy eating and exercise in 5 days. And another came at the first comment on one of my stories and I realised I had a voice. A voice that had deferred to others over the years, from fear or shyness.
So I just wrote and wrote and wrote. Each a story of my life, a history from my observation post of tiny child to grown woman, my triumphs and failures. There were 209 or so and a readership of almost 5,000. I was so happy at that.
Delighted and honoured and humbled. And one day I stood up from the computer and I was skinnier. And I couldn't believe it. I mean of course I wasn't always at the computer. I moved and fidgeted and cried and thought about stories, this one and this one, some coming into my brain fully formed and others taking work. Sometimes just one finger pecking at the computer, writing through heartache and well meaning people.
I had to take this out as it offended slightly, or that might be offensive and I decided I can't write like that. You have to write the truth or else. I have been able to beat the self conciousness you feel at writing. Otherwise you are listening to others, you have to write what is in your heart, lay it bare on the page and endeavour to make sense of it. Without censorship.
Lucky me, Deb has given me a book voucher for Chrissy and it will be spent on Steven Kings excellent book "On writing". He writes every day, even Christmas Day, 10,000 words minimum and his advise for the beginner, 5,000. Thats a lot of words and 10.000 is immense. Wish my blog had a word counter on it.
I just have to guess. I know when it goes well and I know when its hard. Steven has had a day when he wrote one word, just one, and that gave me hope. Writing he is saying is a discipline or it has to become one. And so is reading other peoples books and I always get really jealous as they seem so much better than me, but I plod on regardless.
I write about everything, so one day my kids and grandkids will read about me and my history and it will either inspire them or give them understanding of who their Grand mother was. how she lived and loved and raised kids, not always perfectly as she was only human and a little scared before.
But now she's getting to know herself a little better. And it's an exciting journey, getting rid of the "dead wood" out of my life. If they are a whinge or a bore, be polite and get rid of them. But always be polite.
I was brought up to be a well mannered little girl and am generally appalled at some people's behaviour but now give back and can swear like a navvy if I have too. And get rid of annoying druggies or alcoholics. Word of advice never argue with a drunk, gets you nowhere.
I just call the cops these days and leave it for Yvette to sort out as she is a tough cookie and needs no help. Deranged men do not come anywhere near my grandkids, deranged men who are silly, spoilt and selfish and need a good smack from their Mummies instead of giving in to them.
And I went to see Deb after a long time and she was delighted at my weight loss, as was I. I finally looked fit, everything else hung of course, my arms and face at first. But I inspired her to also lose winter kilos and the bonus is that you have this incredible energy.
No longer wanting to lie on the couch and eat donuts, not that I ever did, if I lie on a couch it's resting my brain, which gets an incredible work out by focusing on memory and getting a sentence right. I only found that out in the last month, a big brain must rest and have peace and quiet, no wonder writers are such solitary people. That essence of truth can be hard to find at times.
The elusive truth darting amongst the plethora of words and yet it is the simple truth we search for and that can be hard. Also hard is trying not to sound jaded or offhand. Thats the skill of writing and I have been doing it since a little girl and could not do it after Lauren died.
I just couldn't because it was going to bring it all back, all that loss and pain and agonising grief. But I did, sometimes stopping to wipe my eyes and nose and leaving it all alone and coming back to it. I won't even go into the torture it was but just like when I go to her Memorial, I hate it, loathe it, but I feel better after.
And when I went to see my Doctor and show off my newly 20 kg less body from 2 years ago, he hugged me. And asked how I did it. I told Him about Camp Eden, and he nodded good, good, it is brain washing but in a good way and the writing was therapy.
He said by my writing about the past in all its richness and beauty and joy and all the rage and frustration and truth puts it away. And that is so true, I don't hate my ex husband any more, he is what he is and I am glad I have had 4 children to him.
I have that history and though it now seems to belong to another person I honour it, kiss it and put it away, not to come out again except in warm and loving and challenging memories. I keep Lauren around me in so many ways, big and little. Mostly little now, as she belongs in my heart as a gorgeous girl, full of love and her memories given to us are of her essentail good heartedness.
And by remembering her in thought and deed, well, the world has just got to be a happier place for us as that is exactly what she would want for us. Kiss that baby, hug that toddler, cry at someone elses pain as she would have. Gather around you people you can love and trust even when they are human and lose their tempers, or are shitty, fed up, crying, emotional all the foibles and fears.
I will miss her for every second, every minute, every hour, every day of the rest of my life. But rather than wallow in self pity I will make a difference, so will my girls, so will my family and extended family, my friends, my Clan. A Mckenzie one of course !
I thank God for the brothers I had, as they taught me to be competitive and to take no prisoners.They also taught me of the "Bastardry" of men. Ian telling me all men without exception are selfish and think they are Gods. He told me and Sylvia once, both of us single, to marry a woman, as they were much nicer than men, that all men are bastards.
Dave told me all men are unfaithful, and they don't usually have a high opinion of woman that have left them, that hurts Men more than anything, rejection by a woman and a woman's biggest fear.....Being hit.
Sensible men do the work on their own psyches as they get older and women already having reached full maturity years before, so there is a lot of eye rolling amongst women. Men are work, usually, and if you have kids they become another demanding kid, another job, another task, but in a full blown adult way. Even more annoying.
Men like to keep busy my gay friend Pei, told me, they don't sit around and tremble about their "Feelings" or talk about their relationship. They have to take the hard line sometimes against nattering women and escape to their man cave if they are lucky enough to have one.
I find the older I get I can see both points of view. Men's and womens. Men get less lively and slow down and women out strip them in health and challenges except physical. Women are smarter but we pretend we are not as the male ego is fragile. Not the ones I know, my brothers are very honest as men and see their faults and are more than happy to educate and help others.
I know my place in the pecking order, 5th, second girl, shy stubborn, bookish, genius in most academic pursuits, strongly opinionated, and underneath is a shy little girl that was soft and loved everybody. I am also midly bipolar one doctor told me, hence the three week periods when I have incredible almost manic energy and then have to rest. The manic not stopping until I have completed the task, and it will be incredible, the work I can churn out.
Last time it was moving the giant trampoline from one side of the house to the other, clean up the entire back and front yard, clean the house, clean unit from top to bottom 5 weeks before Christmas, write 150 stories, buy stock for Ebay, find it, sell it, take kids to school, don't eat much, it's bedlam but productive.
I am only mildly bi polar, God help the people that are fully like that. I am a "Big Brain", like Sheldon on the Big Bang, or my Grandson, Jai. The knowledge comes easily to us and we forget that others take a while to reach the logical conclusion we have already formed in our brains.
We have to be careful around other people, not demanding they see, silly idiots what we see, already. It can relate to Aspergers and I often wonder about that. So now I am older I don't dwell on it, I work with it and make sure I eat right and sleep well and take care of just me and that all helps.
I watch Jai and realise the struggles he goes through, he's a really great kid and he's sooooooo smart. I have a nephew Jamie, the same, a massive brain. he is the best person to have on your table at Trivia nights.
I retain useless facts and information and my best friend is a computer, because it's logical and makes sense and I avn find out facts that I ache to know. Ian once put me up against his Uni Friends, he was a bit tiddly at his 2nd wedding.So was I and I said to tell them to put their money where their mouths were. I said I'd bet them $20 a head if they were interested.
Ian's friends took up the challenge from a woman and a stay at home Mum at that and Ian got a little nervous and told me how smart these guys were. I wasn't in the least worried, Men and Uni Masters in Chinese and physics and maths. Specialists, easy, as they only intelligent in their own field. General knowledge is not a strong pursuit, nor celebrities and movies and song.
I trumped them with six questions and collected $120 with big congrats from the females in the room, especially Carol my adorable sister in law, who Ian was marrying. She's an angel of a woman. She said in her magnificent strine voice,
"Good on Ya , Janette "
I was rapt, strike one for females and strike two for stay at home Mums and strike three for my ex hubby who thought all woman were dumb. He never admired intelligence in me and when he found out I was going back to school, chased me and his own 5 year old daughter around the Kmart car park at Rosebud, trying to run us over, drunk.
Asshole.
Anyway, back to happier things.
I had to get teeth out and new ones made and that took forever and I realised how very vain I was as I would not go out for three months while the sharlatan dentist made the bloody things and on the day I went to Qld, picked them up and they were awful. Terrible. No wonder I cried on the plane to Queensland.
When I came home I complained and complained and had new teeth made by my old dentist of 30 years and were fantastic and were ready in a week. And it was worth the wait by then July and I had started in February.
February was made up of my giving up smoking. I was ready for a while, the cost, the smell, the effect on my health. I knew all those things but puffed away like the over anxious person, thinking they were calming me down. And they weren't. So in the end one phone call from my Mentor and I decided that I had to at least try.
I timed it to co incide with a horrible virus raging through the family at that time, one of extreme vomiting and illness, lasting about 3 days. And the day coincided with a trip to the movies with a friend. 15th February at 1pm 2011 I put a nicotine patch on.
By 2pm I was pretty much residing in the loos at Pinewood Theatre, vomiting curried egg and lettuce sandwich and orange juice, (my lunch) everywhere. It was ghastly. I can't begin to tell you how bad and forceful that virus was but I knew I was on the brink of getting it, and decided I would time it in with giving up smoking.
Needless to say I stayed in my unit for three days, emerging much weakened and taking myself striaght to the doctors to get the newly subsidised patches, a phone call and a nominal fee later I had them. The weather and my sweaty body making them slide off and I would tape them to my arms. Other smokers I didn't avoid either.
I saw people throwing lit butts half finished on the ground and my addiction was so strong I wanted to snatch them up and smoke them, someone else's saliva on them. That's how desperate I was, but the patches were good and after a month I went cold turkey.
And it worked at last, finally. I had a few minor infringements but found if I tried a cigarette I didn't like it, couldn't smoke it. So even now it surprises me, sneaks up on me,
"I am now a non smoker"
It doesn't bother me if other people smoke, I know they will come to their decision in their own time and it will be easier than they imagine. It was for me. Far easier than I had imagined it to be, and other people encouraged me, as they had done it.
I am woman so didn't want the weight gain but it came anyway. For the first month I found I could not cram enough in my mouth, my mouth felt "empty", so I would, lollies and white chocolate with coconut, soothed the feeling.
I am sure I was grumpy and irritable as that goes with giving up, but by the March, I had teeth out and was not a happy camper anyway, so just kept to myself. Luckily I like my own company, because there was lots of it. I hated going out in public as I had to wear a temporary plate and it was a pain and looked vile. I quickly learned to cover my mouth when out at the Shops.
me and vanity was a big struggle and before that I would have said I was not the least bothered about vanity at all. But I was and kept my mouth covered at Camp Eden as the bloody things didn't fit and hurt a lot. I could no way eat with them in, so would have to slide them out in a napkin and eat and then slip them back in.
And getting caught out going to see Bridesmaids with my younger sister Helen and the waitress whisked my napkin away at our pre movie dinner.
"Whose are these teeth ??"
Helen absolutely pissed her pants laughing as I very calmly said,
"Oh, they are mine", and held out my hand.
She laughed for a bout 10 minutes me joining her, gasping and laughing and we laughed at Bridesmaids as well and she begged my permission to tell others. And she did and creased up laughing every time. It was funny, but at Camp Eden I was just plain embarressed, sure people were watching me slip the bottom teeth out of my mouth.
Eating hurt, but I still managed to eat it all and go back for more. Little hog.
Gummed it down, inhaled it, I would have licked it off the floor if it had taken that. I looked at Heidi, Dave's girlfriend and she had given up smoking 4 years before and I knew she no longer felt the occasional craving like I did. I was envious of that, being untroubled from the old addiction.
And shortly after I returned Dave's daughter Haylee Rae lost her 20 week baby girl, Suzy and I went up the country to get away and my Sister In Law Kerrie's boyfriends Mum died, suddenly from a heart attack. So there was grief on all fronts, then Mandy died and Bonnie.
Torturous, we had been going through a custody battle all year with DHS and Yvette came into her own at that point and became the person she was always meant to be. Tough, uncompromising and more verbal than she had ever been before, and strong, she shed not a tear until Bonnie died.
Then she went to pieces, bits and we had to step in, the boys and I and get her back to health and happiness. We let her cry, sometimes for days on end. I suggested we get some sort of respite from the 2 younger boys, as the older ones were at work and school and at first she didn't like the idea.
Then she started to see the sense in it, Acer was overactive at 3 and brainy and bored. Cruz a little ball of fun at 12 months, seemed to be too young. And she feared then being taken from her even for a minute, But she saw reason and they go now Mondays and Fridays, even on the holidays and it gives her time to be herself.
She can sit, get a haircut, get her roots done. Time for herself as any mother of 7 realises, especially a single mother of 7. She states to all that she didn't start the journey of having 7 kids to end up a single Mother, but the Fathers of the boys, ( 2, ) one with 5 boys, Simon, and 2 with Peter, who is younger.
She's a sensible down to earth Mother and keeps males away if they are chasing demons, which they usually are. She likes and loves her boys so she's a pretty lucky Mum in that way and they are all scared to death of her, and that's a good thing. She rules !
We gave her a holiday in the April of this year and she took just Cruz and he was the best baby and the family in Queensland fell in love with him as everyone does. And she had a lovely time and came back to "Hell", in an interesting and surprising twist she lost custody of the three younger boys for 3 weeks, to family.
Peters family and ours and we were reeling, but she shed not a tear but attacked the Police and me, pushing me over and in the end she said take them, but she was screaming at everyone. She thought I had contacted DHS. But they took them off me as well and that was not reasonable but Yvette had told them we didn't get along and that she barely spoke to me.
She just became determined to get the kids back and she did and has had them ever since and she is exactly the same person as she always is and was. She only had to see one thing, her ex partners were not going to help her in anyway shape or form. And she saw them as the enemy for a while and DHS she always classes as the enemy, because they are like Herpes, you have them for life.
And you have the exes in your life too, even though you would rather you didn't. You have to retain some sort of relationship for the sake of the kids. the kids love the missing parent, they grow into larger than life characters to them, especially boys.
I do know that the 5 oldest worry about their Dad and hold out hope that one day he will change, but in the meantime they get on with their lives. They have lived Simons battles every day of their lives but they still love him and are protective of him and sort of feel a certain hopeless rage towards him.
He loves them too and I hope one day he puts them above all his addictions.
Peter the Father of the youngest 2 is young and lost his Dad, suddenly last year and this year his Mum got cancer. He resides at his Mothers place and is very quiet at the moment.
He apparently is in his room a lot and seems to have no desire to do anything else. Thats a shame as he is a healthy, good looking male with plenty going for him, but maybe he just needs time. Time enough for Yvette to hit him over the head with a pick axe handle I should imagine, Ho Ho Ho, (It's Christmas )
Yvette is just one of those people, pessimistic and can be gloomy but if you tease her out of it, she a warm and loving human being, and only me and the boys bear witnessed her deep grief for her "girl" Bonnie. She said she told Bonnie all her problems and Bonnie was always there for her, sensing that Yvette was her mistress and she bowed down to her. And in the end we bowed down to Bonnie.
Such unconditional love and devotion an animal brings. When the world doesn't love you, the animal still does. I have had my share of animals and allow adopted ones only now as I hate being tied down. I always had to freak about my cat Taz, a part Russian Blue, being looked after when I went away, which is often.
When I had to take her to be euthanised I was a basket case, sobbing at the front counter of the Vets and they had to take me away to another room as I was disturbing waiting patients. I cried on and off about Taz for months. And vowed and declared I was not getting another.
At Yvette's there is a muscle bound Tom called Nicky who rules the house and everyone knows about it. He is the grumpiest cat, aloof and distant until food is about to come out and then he's all affection. Sounds like most of the males I know.
\There is also an absolutely nut job of a Husky, female and she lolls out her tongue just to add to her foolish look. She's very pretty but lazy as all let out and the only time she is lively is if she escapes the yard. Then she's like a Husky in the snow and just runs and runs and runs, thinking she is on some artic surface and she won't come, return, nothing, she's just a white blur in the distance.
We've found out she comes back by herself now. I once minded her at Noble Park house when we were getting my unit built at Yvette's and the builders had to have access to the backyard. She disappeared one night and we were frantic.
I rang the pound and animal shelters and lost dogs and the councils and there was nothing.I canvassed all the neighbours and put a sign up at the Milk Bar. eight days later she returned. Smelling of some strange pungent odour and I took her straight back to Yvette's and we were all so delighted. Where had she been , we wondered, how did she know how to get back to my place after 8 days????
She had only been there a day and a half before she escaped. We were never to find out the answers but were of the mind she had been locked up somewhere and she had managed to escape and find her way back.
So I get my daily fill of animals and kids and get plenty of precious time to myself and it all works in it's own special way. I love all the boys but hover over Kyan a bit more. he was premature and had a seroius operation within day of being born 5 weeks early. And has a large scar on his belly because of it.
He hovered over me earlier in the year, having to pretend to not like me for his own protection, but I told him no matter what happened I would always be there for him, no matter what. He understood and now we have a pact.
If he feels a little threatened or anxious he comes to use my loo. He likes it as it is pretty and looks nice and he likes that I tell him to wash his hands and he always brings them to me to smell. And they all know, where to run, the "boys" if there is ever trouble, straight to Nana.
And they did that one night this year, scared to death, and I had to be up and chasing away a crazed man armed with a shovel. Fun ! I do it now as if I am making a cup of tea. I always can talk someone down off a high, using clever and cunning as that is what you are facing, their cleverness and cunning, abusive rants, and swear words.
I just say yeah, yeah, whatever, you better run I've called the cops, they usually have to do some sort of property damage, break a window or smash a door. I don't know why they have to, but it seems to make them feel better and in the end they run away, fearing the cops and courts and jail more than anything. Good.
Both the men have soft hearted Mothers and it has done them absolutely no good. Their sons non working pains and I blame that on the Mother. Anhd if they don't like it too bad, it's the truth. Both Mothers only sons, tell you much ????
They've raised silly little boys that have substance issues. have no idea of hard work, no conception and are just pains to us. Nice characters but weak.
We had an incident last night, just when we are relaxing for Xmas and the boys are hyper excited and it was almost a repeat of the earlier in the year incident. And just as dramatic and needless as ever and I rang the cops as ever. Sometimes they take ages and we have to blast them away ourselves. Yvette did pretty good this time.
We are going away next Christmas. I swear. We take all the emotion and bluster we can manage and then usually give them a good lesson and they leave us alone for a while. Simon's a nightmare as we both like and hate him.And when he's normal he's quiet and polite and sorry. Like his own sons, if only he realised it.
I am sure that's why the others go away at Christmas, get a break from the madness that swirls around our heads at this time of year. It's nuts but Yvette and I are used to it and couldn't give a bollocks this year, we are having a good time no matter what.
We've had a rotten year and a wonderful one in so many ways, just like everyone that is living. Life bringing it's share of brickbats and bouquets. As Dave my brother said this year in Remembrance of his good friend Roy Litterick, who died too young,
Roy would always say,
"You can't help the shit you are handed in life, but you sure as shit can learn how to handle it"
\
And that says it all for all of us, Marry Christmas, And either forgive or forget but don't do both.
Love Janette xoxo
