The Long Sad Goodbye
Without Prejudice
I don't know if I have the strength for today. A funeral of a good lady from cancer, a visit to the Psychologist for a daughter who is to be assessed for E.C.T. And a visit to Clayton Hospital to see my daughter, Lauren's bestie who is 39 weeks pregnant and swollen up like a balloon and has a brain aneurysm. I don't think I can be little Miss Positive, today, not today.
They say that into each life some rain must fall. Mine is a deluge at the moment. I feel others pain just like John Coffee in the Green Mile. I feel my daughters panic and pain at her non eating illness. I've seen her weight plummet from 110 kg to 61 kg. I've seen her loathe her new small body, seen her in hospital with her normally happy face turned to the wall in despair.
I've seen her not be able to function, self harm, try to suicide and be unable to talk about it. I've seen the marks on her arms, wrists, neck and . I've seen another daughter have a devastating miscarriage
And be hospitalised with massive blood loss requiring four blood transfusion and an operation. Losing her Mother In Law to cancer, the funeral today. She never cried, not once but I expect her to do so today.
I've seen another daughter going through what promises to be an extremely ugly divorce. Having to move with her girls to her Dads garage and travel hours to get to her work and her girls to School. All because her ex husband clings to the family home like a limpet to a rock. To see my other Son In Law gut his family home and expect his sick wife to find another. Scared of her depression and punishing her for being ill.
I have seen my daughter move into another house that she feels guilty to be in, she thinks there are more deserving people than her, but at the same time she is sick and homeless. Losing not only her sanity but her family except for one child that would not give up on her. I am devastated for her. Few people went to see her in Hospital, scared of her expression less face and skinniness, her eyes big and panicked.
One Sister saw her once and another not at all. Nor her Dad. She cried about that.
She will recover, she will smile again, she will conquer the depression and have her Family again, aged 18, 14, 13 and 5. Her husband decided to change the kids schools while she was ill in ERMHA. They were going to send her out to a boarding house with no supervision. They didn't notice that she tried to hang herself in there. The husband told me she was fine and I stopped listening to him and went and got her out.
Then came three weeks of rage and hurt, saying the most terrible things and wanting to end it. Tough stuff for a mother. I had to try and make her eat, rest, look after herself, and encourage every step of her recovery. And make her do things, force her back to living, a one step forward and ten steps back at times.
So rain must fall. Weak, nasty people have to be dealt with. A few months ago I would have said I had two of the finest Son In Laws in the world. I am so disappointed in both of them and that makes me sad. Hurt by friends also who could not understand my devotion to my family, to my kids and grand kids. I would rather have my life rather than theirs.
Hurt is part of life, so too are illness and death. I'm supposed to be strong as I have dealt with many tragedies in my life. I'd rather be less strong and still have the people I have lost still here. But that is not possible. I probably revere life more than others and rebel at the ridiculousness of It at times. I will always laugh at people who take life seriously as most of the time it's a joke.
You have to learn to roll with the punches and cry in private. You cannot afford to let it get you down . You have to be a realist, practical, uncaring or detached sometimes. It seems cold but if you feel things too much, you have to be able to detach or you will go mad.
You have to realise that not everyone in your life is an angel. There are always haters, backstabbers, and some really evil people that will do you in as soon as look at you. That's reality. I would name them but what's the point. They know who they are and are not worth talking about, it just makes them worse.
All I can do is block them out of my life, don't look back and move on. My friend Frank taught me
that. The ability to just eradicate certain people out of your life, slam the door on them and have nothing to do with them again, like they are dead. It seems not a Christian thing to do but for mental wellness you have to or you yourself will go down, and that means they win.
Love Janette
I don't know if I have the strength for today. A funeral of a good lady from cancer, a visit to the Psychologist for a daughter who is to be assessed for E.C.T. And a visit to Clayton Hospital to see my daughter, Lauren's bestie who is 39 weeks pregnant and swollen up like a balloon and has a brain aneurysm. I don't think I can be little Miss Positive, today, not today.
They say that into each life some rain must fall. Mine is a deluge at the moment. I feel others pain just like John Coffee in the Green Mile. I feel my daughters panic and pain at her non eating illness. I've seen her weight plummet from 110 kg to 61 kg. I've seen her loathe her new small body, seen her in hospital with her normally happy face turned to the wall in despair.
I've seen her not be able to function, self harm, try to suicide and be unable to talk about it. I've seen the marks on her arms, wrists, neck and . I've seen another daughter have a devastating miscarriage
And be hospitalised with massive blood loss requiring four blood transfusion and an operation. Losing her Mother In Law to cancer, the funeral today. She never cried, not once but I expect her to do so today.
I've seen another daughter going through what promises to be an extremely ugly divorce. Having to move with her girls to her Dads garage and travel hours to get to her work and her girls to School. All because her ex husband clings to the family home like a limpet to a rock. To see my other Son In Law gut his family home and expect his sick wife to find another. Scared of her depression and punishing her for being ill.
I have seen my daughter move into another house that she feels guilty to be in, she thinks there are more deserving people than her, but at the same time she is sick and homeless. Losing not only her sanity but her family except for one child that would not give up on her. I am devastated for her. Few people went to see her in Hospital, scared of her expression less face and skinniness, her eyes big and panicked.
One Sister saw her once and another not at all. Nor her Dad. She cried about that.
She will recover, she will smile again, she will conquer the depression and have her Family again, aged 18, 14, 13 and 5. Her husband decided to change the kids schools while she was ill in ERMHA. They were going to send her out to a boarding house with no supervision. They didn't notice that she tried to hang herself in there. The husband told me she was fine and I stopped listening to him and went and got her out.
Then came three weeks of rage and hurt, saying the most terrible things and wanting to end it. Tough stuff for a mother. I had to try and make her eat, rest, look after herself, and encourage every step of her recovery. And make her do things, force her back to living, a one step forward and ten steps back at times.
So rain must fall. Weak, nasty people have to be dealt with. A few months ago I would have said I had two of the finest Son In Laws in the world. I am so disappointed in both of them and that makes me sad. Hurt by friends also who could not understand my devotion to my family, to my kids and grand kids. I would rather have my life rather than theirs.
Hurt is part of life, so too are illness and death. I'm supposed to be strong as I have dealt with many tragedies in my life. I'd rather be less strong and still have the people I have lost still here. But that is not possible. I probably revere life more than others and rebel at the ridiculousness of It at times. I will always laugh at people who take life seriously as most of the time it's a joke.
You have to learn to roll with the punches and cry in private. You cannot afford to let it get you down . You have to be a realist, practical, uncaring or detached sometimes. It seems cold but if you feel things too much, you have to be able to detach or you will go mad.
You have to realise that not everyone in your life is an angel. There are always haters, backstabbers, and some really evil people that will do you in as soon as look at you. That's reality. I would name them but what's the point. They know who they are and are not worth talking about, it just makes them worse.
All I can do is block them out of my life, don't look back and move on. My friend Frank taught me
that. The ability to just eradicate certain people out of your life, slam the door on them and have nothing to do with them again, like they are dead. It seems not a Christian thing to do but for mental wellness you have to or you yourself will go down, and that means they win.
Love Janette
