How To Be An Australian On A Stinking Hot day
Without Prejudice
Unfortunately if you are not an Aussie you might not understand everything it takes to be one, on a stinking hot day. You might be thinking about paying Australia a holiday visit. Emigrate here, ( although that is getting harder and harder, ) or just want to learn more about this " Vast Brown Land " that lies so far away from the rest of the Western World.
We get up early in Summer as the sun peeks through the windows in inviting darts of pure light that manage to escape all but the heaviest sun blocking drapes. In Summer the heat comes along early too and we are ruled by getting out in the coolest part of the day to run around before noon arrives.
"Only mad dogs and Englishmen, go out in the mid day sun " warbled Noel a Coward, once upon a time. He of course was talking of India, but you might as well be talking about Australia, same weather in Summer.
The only problem about that is most of us living inAustralia are descendants of the celts and have fair white skin that burns, peels, goes bright red and leaves us permanently with freckles. So we would be mad to go out without zinc cream to our hairline, a hat of gigantic proportions and covered from head to toe in a white Muslin robe.
Of course, that doesn't happen. It is part of Aussie culture to laugh at stinking hot days and do all the opposites that we should do if we weren't so rebellious.
Most Aussies are descended from a minor form of criminality called convicts. This gives us a National Consciousness of Larrikism and laughing at Authority. So dressing for the beach on a stinking hot day means a pair of "cossies" ( swimsuit), a towel draped around our neck, a bit of sunscreen, maybe, a pair of thongs, well worn, on our feet, sometimes a hat and most always a pair of sunglasses.
We have mastered the stinking hot day at the beach by being aware it's a lot cooler there and we take our own shade. The thought of cooling water and a bit of a cool breeze is enough incentive for us to climb in our hot cars, metal seat belts on the thighs of the unwary branding them with laser like heat.
Putting up with screaming kids who want Maccas on the way and traffic that backs up from the beach to every freeway exit all over Melbourne. We turn up the radio on the kids and the screams and hum tightly to ourselves, wanting to lose it but won't. The end result will be worth it, we think.
And sometimes it is, sometimes, the breeze is coming off the small bay waves, just right. There us a close sand bar, long enough for the kids to think they have discovered an Island and is only ankle deep to get to. Safety first for the little kids, who we have smothered in Zinc cream and they look like Pandas but grin and bear it.
We sit under the Jetty so we can be cool and watchful at the same time. Only trouble half of Melbourne has the same great idea and is huddled under the Jetty too. People spread out reading papers and smoking cheap cigarettes while pretending not to. Hairy red backs, hairy underarms, heaving sweating humans who are loving every minute of it. This heat, this blast furnace sun.
Aussies are known for doing the kangaroo hop across the burning sand. They figure if they do it fast it won't burn as much. The have kicked off their thongs, as they rub with sand on them, and just kangaroo hop, going Ouch Ouch Ouch every step. Watch the Movie 10 with Dudley Moore and Bo Derek, Dudley does a great Kangaroo Hop scene on a beach in Mexico, hilarious.
We tend to feast on Fish and Chips on boiling hot summer days, at the beach. It is considered to be a traditional meal for a roasting hot day at the beach. No one knows why, it just is. So is sharing a bottle of lemonade, and drinking from the bottle is considered O.K as long as you wipe the neck Before swilling.
To be continued.....
Unfortunately if you are not an Aussie you might not understand everything it takes to be one, on a stinking hot day. You might be thinking about paying Australia a holiday visit. Emigrate here, ( although that is getting harder and harder, ) or just want to learn more about this " Vast Brown Land " that lies so far away from the rest of the Western World.
We get up early in Summer as the sun peeks through the windows in inviting darts of pure light that manage to escape all but the heaviest sun blocking drapes. In Summer the heat comes along early too and we are ruled by getting out in the coolest part of the day to run around before noon arrives.
"Only mad dogs and Englishmen, go out in the mid day sun " warbled Noel a Coward, once upon a time. He of course was talking of India, but you might as well be talking about Australia, same weather in Summer.
The only problem about that is most of us living inAustralia are descendants of the celts and have fair white skin that burns, peels, goes bright red and leaves us permanently with freckles. So we would be mad to go out without zinc cream to our hairline, a hat of gigantic proportions and covered from head to toe in a white Muslin robe.
Of course, that doesn't happen. It is part of Aussie culture to laugh at stinking hot days and do all the opposites that we should do if we weren't so rebellious.
Most Aussies are descended from a minor form of criminality called convicts. This gives us a National Consciousness of Larrikism and laughing at Authority. So dressing for the beach on a stinking hot day means a pair of "cossies" ( swimsuit), a towel draped around our neck, a bit of sunscreen, maybe, a pair of thongs, well worn, on our feet, sometimes a hat and most always a pair of sunglasses.
We have mastered the stinking hot day at the beach by being aware it's a lot cooler there and we take our own shade. The thought of cooling water and a bit of a cool breeze is enough incentive for us to climb in our hot cars, metal seat belts on the thighs of the unwary branding them with laser like heat.
Putting up with screaming kids who want Maccas on the way and traffic that backs up from the beach to every freeway exit all over Melbourne. We turn up the radio on the kids and the screams and hum tightly to ourselves, wanting to lose it but won't. The end result will be worth it, we think.
And sometimes it is, sometimes, the breeze is coming off the small bay waves, just right. There us a close sand bar, long enough for the kids to think they have discovered an Island and is only ankle deep to get to. Safety first for the little kids, who we have smothered in Zinc cream and they look like Pandas but grin and bear it.
We sit under the Jetty so we can be cool and watchful at the same time. Only trouble half of Melbourne has the same great idea and is huddled under the Jetty too. People spread out reading papers and smoking cheap cigarettes while pretending not to. Hairy red backs, hairy underarms, heaving sweating humans who are loving every minute of it. This heat, this blast furnace sun.
Aussies are known for doing the kangaroo hop across the burning sand. They figure if they do it fast it won't burn as much. The have kicked off their thongs, as they rub with sand on them, and just kangaroo hop, going Ouch Ouch Ouch every step. Watch the Movie 10 with Dudley Moore and Bo Derek, Dudley does a great Kangaroo Hop scene on a beach in Mexico, hilarious.
We tend to feast on Fish and Chips on boiling hot summer days, at the beach. It is considered to be a traditional meal for a roasting hot day at the beach. No one knows why, it just is. So is sharing a bottle of lemonade, and drinking from the bottle is considered O.K as long as you wipe the neck Before swilling.
To be continued.....
