Kyle Bryce Hawkins
Without Prejudice
We loved him before he was born. Debbie said we had to accept it, when we first suspected Yvette was pregnant. Or what she actually said was,
"She's going to have it whether you like it or not, so we might as well support her" ( Debbie was the realist.) And the strongest personality. A very decent loving beautiful and graceful lady like, hard working, responsible and unbelievably kind and compassionate woman. She thinks of others, always has and always will, no matter what she say to the contrary. She has a heart of gold, Deb, and has a funny, irreverent and very decent man, Andrew, as a husband, He's also gold.
So we did. We supported her. Bob wasn't happy but what could we do? Yvette always wanted to be a Mum and she is now the Mother of 7 boys. Kyle took his time coming, two weeks overdue. Yvette was as big as you can be for a tiny petite girl and looked ready to pop. And it was to be complicated as he would not turn the right way round and was breech until the last few days. Roger Johnston turned him eventually but Yvette said the pain was indescribable.
Lauren was so looking forward to the birth and Yvette rang her first to come to the hospital. Lauren and Donna and Alena went. I was at the factory and Lauren rang me to say Yvette was crying and to come straight away. It was 2,30-by the time I arrived. Lauren and Donna, Simon's sister stole loads of flowers out of the gardens for Yvette. I pushed through the doors, the girls had been sent out and all I could see was Yvette squirming on the labour ward bed. Simon was there. all of 16, ready to be a father.
Yvette had always said she wanted me to be there and I must admit at first I was terrified. I had 4 babies but had been up the other end. the world every Mother knows. the land of unending pain. Yvette was sucking on gas and air and Simon too, just to see what it was like. The nurses weren't that kindly to Yvette as she looked all of 15, they had the attitude of another teenage Mother, silly cow. but we sorted that out and started timing contractions. The midwives decided that we would be looking at the early hours of the next morning. So Simon and I went and had a cigarette, our hands shaking and talking excitedly. It was 4.30pm. A female doctor came out to us and said.
"you had better come back inside"
"why,?" we asked in unison.
"She's about to have it "
Simon and I looked at each other in puzzlement.
"Have what?", Simon voiced what I was going to say,
"must be a procedure or something."
Yvette was on her side and pleading with me that I was to take her to the toilet, as there was no fucking way she was getting on that fucking bed pan. the nurses told her she was a silly girl. She told them to fuck off!
luckily the doctor walked back in and said
"Right, lets get this baby out"
Simon went pale and his lips trembled,
"What now, she's having the baby, now"
"Yes", the Doctor said, "Right now"
The baby's heartbeat was slowing at every contraction and Yvette was exhausted and crying. The doctor suggested we get her to breath and focus. I looked at Simon. He was transfixed, staring at Yvette.
"Simon, " I said, "Tell her to breathe"
Simon stood there and opened and closed his mouth but no words would come out. He gasped like a goldfish, but no words could he utter.
Yvette was crying, getting no where, and the nurses were tut tutting at her behaviour.
I leaned in to her ear,
"Yvette, breathe, breathe, focus, baby's coming"
The doctor reiterated we needed to get this baby out NOW .
I grabbed Yvette by the shoulders and made her look at me,
Yvette you have to push, NOW
She said, "I can't, it hurts."
She looked at me like an animal in pain,
"YVETTE PUSH NOW"
She focused and pushed, through that red fog of pain, she sensed my fear and pushed for her life and her babies, Time was pushing on , no time left to have an emergency ceasar, just birth and he had to be out, now, he was slowly and surely strangling on the cord at very retreat, I prayed right then and there. Yvette put her chin to he chest and pushed one huge push that went on forever, I knew how tough Yvette can be when she wants to be and I was sure she was going to run out of air, but she didn't. Her fear slowed and her body got into gear (A gear it's been getting in ever since )
Then she screamed as the Doctor did the episiotomy, A harsh screech of pain I saw the silver blade slash and nearly fainted myself. Simon was still gasping off to the side.
The doctor reached in and slipped the cord wound around the baby's neck off, it was touch and go but she did it, and he was born. slithering out, torpedoing his way in to the world.
"Oh, My God", I said,
"It's a boy!!!!"
This was like a miracle to me who had four girls and always, always felt like I had felt I had failed Bob in some way when I didn't provide the boy he would have loved.
And it was instant love.
As Pam, Simons Mother said as she held him,within minutes of his birth,
"Look at him , he's surrounded with love."
And, lucky boy, he remains like that to this day.
Yvette looked dazed and confused as she looked at the bloodied baby placed on her chest. But it wasn't for long, the nurses whisked him into a warmed up humidicrib, saying he was a little "cold"
Later the next day the Doctor came to see her and told her the cord was 3 times around Kyle's neck and each contraction was strangling him. Yvette cried and cried at how close she had come to losing him. She said
"All I could hear was Mum's voice, that's all I could hear, and she was screaming, "PUSH!" PUSH!, So I did. I pushed for my life"
He was beautiful of course, this first grandson of mine, perfect in every way and Simon came around that night and smashed eggs in my hair and I in his and then we all smashed eggs in each others hair, as Simon said it was a tradition in some country or other. But we didn't really care what country, we ran around the backyard in happiness. Lauren was there, Debbie, Alena, and me. No Bob. He had not wanted anything to do with Yvette since she said she was pregnant. Although he changed position a little in Singapore ( On our way back from the UK, we went mad and bought her beautiful little dresses for a girl and sailor suits for a boy.)
But he was back to the original position when Kyle was born and did come to the hospital but was difficult and cold. He barely acknowledged Kyle's existence and still doesn't. but the he does that with all his grandchildren, stupid stubborn man. He misses out on so much and it breaks my heart as I know he loves kids. Some things you can change in life and some you can't. I of course think that the sun shines out of each and every one of my Grand childrens arses, just as my parents did for us.
I can remember the days following I was just elated and driving through the main street of Dandenong to our brand new factory in the gold LTD and being the happiest had been for a long time. Just at that moment a car crashed in to the back of me. Life was about to change very rapidly, but I didn't know it. I waved the boys who had crashed in to me away, no damage done, a minor scratch, which Bob discovered later and went ape shit about, but I didn't care. I was a grandmother and I was ecstatic, Yvette was OK, baby fine, what else mattered?
We celebrated Two days later at Ease Garden In Dandenong, one of our favourite Chinese Restaurants, it was a joint celebration for Kyle's birth and Yvette's 18th birthday and Debbie, s 19th. we had three tables full of people to celebrate with. Bob's parents and workers of ours and their partners, it was a great night, Kyle in his bassinet with Lauren hovering. She had caught the bus every day from school with best friend Kerry Froud after school to the Hospital to go and stare for hours at Kyle, just sitting near Yvette and eating the hospital food that Yvette wouldn't touch of course.
And ten days later, Lauren was gone. She stepped off the edge of the world. And when we finally were able to get an emergency counselling session shortly after, all of us shell shocked and wounded, the counsellors greeted us with,
"We believe you have a beautiful brand new grandson"
And I thought they were crazy.
"What were we talking about Kyle for", I wondered.
He was a blob in a basket, unknown. unformed, I wanted to talk about Lauren, I had her for twelve years, nearly 13. I was angry and wanted to leave, who were these dick heads????
But I didn't walk out, I stayed and they explained there was nothing we could do for Lauren, she was dead. but that in time we would come to understand why she was born and why she died. I still thought they were a pair of dick heads, But then they said something very very right. They said
"we cannot know what you are going through"
"But we will help you to understand grief"
And they were changing our focus from what was; to what could be. Kyle. A beautiful life to cherish and Lauen would have wanted that, she did want that, the presents she had made and bought, the visits, the daily entries in her school diary, " 89 days to go to my sister having a baby," the countdown, rebelling at her Father not wanting Yvette at her 12th Birthday. Lauren's favourite book at that time was Baby Island, she wanted to be a Mum and have lots of kids and right there was a kid that we could look after. So we did.
Debbie and I became obsessed with him taking care of him with Yvette, who went mad after Kyle was born, her first baby and 2 weeks later her baby sister died. Debbie and I held it together for the others and for Kyle. And he gave us focus, his routine and well being were uppermost. He had to be fed and changed and looked after and after a while he thought he had 5 Mothers. Debbie was Number 1, Yvette number 2, me three and Alena 4th and Mara 5th. He actually asked once who his Mother was.
He was our toy, we dressed him up in ridiculous outfits and took photos of him, we brushed his curly hair till it stood out like Ronald Mcdonalds and would hold each other up, laughing, and he was all of two. He would run to the bedroom and look at himself in the mirror and cry.
" I look like clown"
Debbie would hold up the hairbrush and say,
Just let me bwush your hair" and he would cry and beg her not to and she would. we were so mean to him, no wonder he's obsessed with his hair and clothes, now Hahahahah.
But by the time he was nearly 3 he could ride a bike without training wheels, was as smart as a whip and Yvette taught him to pee standing up. Saying he was to shake twice, no more than that, as any more was a tug. I am sure Yvette was meant to have only boys as she is like a boy herself. She can out swear them, outsmart them, punch them up (not that she's had to, they are too shit scared of her,) second only to me and that's as it should be.
When Kyle was just over 3, I told him to get upstairs and get to bed, or else. He sat on the stairs in his fluffy blue pyjamas and slippers and said.
"Nana"
"What?"
"I'm not your whole world anymore"
"Good, now get to bed, you little shit "
I was never as happy as when I knew he was Ok and tucked up in bed. Safe.
He crossed through three states once on a bus with $20 from his Mum and made friends on the bus who bought him food and looked after him. His brothers had been taken into care as his Dad had left them abandoned in a car. Yvette was at home with Kyle and had ran to the police station but the little boys were gone. So in desperation she put kyle on a bus and sent him To Melbourne. Kyle was 10.
I watched from afar this grandson of mine, stepping in when I had to. he lived with me on and off for years. Sometimes beacuse school was closer or I just wanted to pinch him and run away with him. Somewhere safe, the country, a simpler life. Such a little man for his family. Sometimes I just wanted him to be a kid. I always encouraged him to be good to his parents. He's had great friends over the years and bad friends too. He could easily led and we kept fearing he would take on his Dad's traits. And for a while that was what came into being and we had to suspend life for a while and jump in hand, foot and flailing arms to help him. And then he messed up again and we had to start all over and without Debbie and Andrew and Madenka and my brother George and Kyle, sucking it up. it wouldn't have happened.
He's a man now, all of nearly 22, has a great girlfriend, has been to hell and back, most of his life really. It hasn't been easy and he also took on the burden of his parents at times and his brothers. but he remains resolute. he's made mistakes and paid for them dearly. Such a big boy now, towers over me and his 6 stone mother. He's very cool, always beautifully dressed and groomed. Always has friends, just like Simon. His Dad is incarcerated again, as he has been most of Kyle's life but he loves him and understands him and rages at him, pities him, worries about him. but overall he's OK, with his Dad, Kyles had a lot of Counseling just lately, he works and loves his job, loves cars, and Madenka and we pretty sure he's going to fulfil that promise one day.
That promise we instilled in him all those years ago. A promise we made to Lauren, to always look after him for her and by bringing him up in an all female household, teaching him to be a man by trail and error. A man that she would have been proud of and that we would be proud of too. Shit how did we know how to raise a male, we were female.??? We made so many mistakes, so many mistakes, but we didn't have a rule book. And he could at times turn into a little tyrant and we wanted to punish him, but which way ???? Hadn't he had enough punishment anyway?
We instilled in him to respect women, never ever to hit them, or lie or cheat, mostly he's getting there. he's human and he has made his own mistakes, but what I like about Kyle, is that he admits to his mistakes. And that says it all. really. We all make mistakes, we are only human. It's a big responsibility for him to take up the challenge of life and be the "Braveheart", I want him to be. And knowing that true freedom is hard earned. But he's trying, and as Natalie Bruckshaw, my Mother would have said, when I said "I'm TRYING!". She would always answer.
"Yes, very "
Only joking My whole world ,,,,, love you Mr Cool............ and keep behaving or I might have to "tweak " you ........ Nana
We loved him before he was born. Debbie said we had to accept it, when we first suspected Yvette was pregnant. Or what she actually said was,
"She's going to have it whether you like it or not, so we might as well support her" ( Debbie was the realist.) And the strongest personality. A very decent loving beautiful and graceful lady like, hard working, responsible and unbelievably kind and compassionate woman. She thinks of others, always has and always will, no matter what she say to the contrary. She has a heart of gold, Deb, and has a funny, irreverent and very decent man, Andrew, as a husband, He's also gold.
So we did. We supported her. Bob wasn't happy but what could we do? Yvette always wanted to be a Mum and she is now the Mother of 7 boys. Kyle took his time coming, two weeks overdue. Yvette was as big as you can be for a tiny petite girl and looked ready to pop. And it was to be complicated as he would not turn the right way round and was breech until the last few days. Roger Johnston turned him eventually but Yvette said the pain was indescribable.
Lauren was so looking forward to the birth and Yvette rang her first to come to the hospital. Lauren and Donna and Alena went. I was at the factory and Lauren rang me to say Yvette was crying and to come straight away. It was 2,30-by the time I arrived. Lauren and Donna, Simon's sister stole loads of flowers out of the gardens for Yvette. I pushed through the doors, the girls had been sent out and all I could see was Yvette squirming on the labour ward bed. Simon was there. all of 16, ready to be a father.
Yvette had always said she wanted me to be there and I must admit at first I was terrified. I had 4 babies but had been up the other end. the world every Mother knows. the land of unending pain. Yvette was sucking on gas and air and Simon too, just to see what it was like. The nurses weren't that kindly to Yvette as she looked all of 15, they had the attitude of another teenage Mother, silly cow. but we sorted that out and started timing contractions. The midwives decided that we would be looking at the early hours of the next morning. So Simon and I went and had a cigarette, our hands shaking and talking excitedly. It was 4.30pm. A female doctor came out to us and said.
"you had better come back inside"
"why,?" we asked in unison.
"She's about to have it "
Simon and I looked at each other in puzzlement.
"Have what?", Simon voiced what I was going to say,
"must be a procedure or something."
Yvette was on her side and pleading with me that I was to take her to the toilet, as there was no fucking way she was getting on that fucking bed pan. the nurses told her she was a silly girl. She told them to fuck off!
luckily the doctor walked back in and said
"Right, lets get this baby out"
Simon went pale and his lips trembled,
"What now, she's having the baby, now"
"Yes", the Doctor said, "Right now"
The baby's heartbeat was slowing at every contraction and Yvette was exhausted and crying. The doctor suggested we get her to breath and focus. I looked at Simon. He was transfixed, staring at Yvette.
"Simon, " I said, "Tell her to breathe"
Simon stood there and opened and closed his mouth but no words would come out. He gasped like a goldfish, but no words could he utter.
Yvette was crying, getting no where, and the nurses were tut tutting at her behaviour.
I leaned in to her ear,
"Yvette, breathe, breathe, focus, baby's coming"
The doctor reiterated we needed to get this baby out NOW .
I grabbed Yvette by the shoulders and made her look at me,
Yvette you have to push, NOW
She said, "I can't, it hurts."
She looked at me like an animal in pain,
"YVETTE PUSH NOW"
She focused and pushed, through that red fog of pain, she sensed my fear and pushed for her life and her babies, Time was pushing on , no time left to have an emergency ceasar, just birth and he had to be out, now, he was slowly and surely strangling on the cord at very retreat, I prayed right then and there. Yvette put her chin to he chest and pushed one huge push that went on forever, I knew how tough Yvette can be when she wants to be and I was sure she was going to run out of air, but she didn't. Her fear slowed and her body got into gear (A gear it's been getting in ever since )
Then she screamed as the Doctor did the episiotomy, A harsh screech of pain I saw the silver blade slash and nearly fainted myself. Simon was still gasping off to the side.
The doctor reached in and slipped the cord wound around the baby's neck off, it was touch and go but she did it, and he was born. slithering out, torpedoing his way in to the world.
"Oh, My God", I said,
"It's a boy!!!!"
This was like a miracle to me who had four girls and always, always felt like I had felt I had failed Bob in some way when I didn't provide the boy he would have loved.
And it was instant love.
As Pam, Simons Mother said as she held him,within minutes of his birth,
"Look at him , he's surrounded with love."
And, lucky boy, he remains like that to this day.
Yvette looked dazed and confused as she looked at the bloodied baby placed on her chest. But it wasn't for long, the nurses whisked him into a warmed up humidicrib, saying he was a little "cold"
Later the next day the Doctor came to see her and told her the cord was 3 times around Kyle's neck and each contraction was strangling him. Yvette cried and cried at how close she had come to losing him. She said
"All I could hear was Mum's voice, that's all I could hear, and she was screaming, "PUSH!" PUSH!, So I did. I pushed for my life"
He was beautiful of course, this first grandson of mine, perfect in every way and Simon came around that night and smashed eggs in my hair and I in his and then we all smashed eggs in each others hair, as Simon said it was a tradition in some country or other. But we didn't really care what country, we ran around the backyard in happiness. Lauren was there, Debbie, Alena, and me. No Bob. He had not wanted anything to do with Yvette since she said she was pregnant. Although he changed position a little in Singapore ( On our way back from the UK, we went mad and bought her beautiful little dresses for a girl and sailor suits for a boy.)
But he was back to the original position when Kyle was born and did come to the hospital but was difficult and cold. He barely acknowledged Kyle's existence and still doesn't. but the he does that with all his grandchildren, stupid stubborn man. He misses out on so much and it breaks my heart as I know he loves kids. Some things you can change in life and some you can't. I of course think that the sun shines out of each and every one of my Grand childrens arses, just as my parents did for us.
I can remember the days following I was just elated and driving through the main street of Dandenong to our brand new factory in the gold LTD and being the happiest had been for a long time. Just at that moment a car crashed in to the back of me. Life was about to change very rapidly, but I didn't know it. I waved the boys who had crashed in to me away, no damage done, a minor scratch, which Bob discovered later and went ape shit about, but I didn't care. I was a grandmother and I was ecstatic, Yvette was OK, baby fine, what else mattered?
We celebrated Two days later at Ease Garden In Dandenong, one of our favourite Chinese Restaurants, it was a joint celebration for Kyle's birth and Yvette's 18th birthday and Debbie, s 19th. we had three tables full of people to celebrate with. Bob's parents and workers of ours and their partners, it was a great night, Kyle in his bassinet with Lauren hovering. She had caught the bus every day from school with best friend Kerry Froud after school to the Hospital to go and stare for hours at Kyle, just sitting near Yvette and eating the hospital food that Yvette wouldn't touch of course.
And ten days later, Lauren was gone. She stepped off the edge of the world. And when we finally were able to get an emergency counselling session shortly after, all of us shell shocked and wounded, the counsellors greeted us with,
"We believe you have a beautiful brand new grandson"
And I thought they were crazy.
"What were we talking about Kyle for", I wondered.
He was a blob in a basket, unknown. unformed, I wanted to talk about Lauren, I had her for twelve years, nearly 13. I was angry and wanted to leave, who were these dick heads????
But I didn't walk out, I stayed and they explained there was nothing we could do for Lauren, she was dead. but that in time we would come to understand why she was born and why she died. I still thought they were a pair of dick heads, But then they said something very very right. They said
"we cannot know what you are going through"
"But we will help you to understand grief"
And they were changing our focus from what was; to what could be. Kyle. A beautiful life to cherish and Lauen would have wanted that, she did want that, the presents she had made and bought, the visits, the daily entries in her school diary, " 89 days to go to my sister having a baby," the countdown, rebelling at her Father not wanting Yvette at her 12th Birthday. Lauren's favourite book at that time was Baby Island, she wanted to be a Mum and have lots of kids and right there was a kid that we could look after. So we did.
Debbie and I became obsessed with him taking care of him with Yvette, who went mad after Kyle was born, her first baby and 2 weeks later her baby sister died. Debbie and I held it together for the others and for Kyle. And he gave us focus, his routine and well being were uppermost. He had to be fed and changed and looked after and after a while he thought he had 5 Mothers. Debbie was Number 1, Yvette number 2, me three and Alena 4th and Mara 5th. He actually asked once who his Mother was.
He was our toy, we dressed him up in ridiculous outfits and took photos of him, we brushed his curly hair till it stood out like Ronald Mcdonalds and would hold each other up, laughing, and he was all of two. He would run to the bedroom and look at himself in the mirror and cry.
" I look like clown"
Debbie would hold up the hairbrush and say,
Just let me bwush your hair" and he would cry and beg her not to and she would. we were so mean to him, no wonder he's obsessed with his hair and clothes, now Hahahahah.
But by the time he was nearly 3 he could ride a bike without training wheels, was as smart as a whip and Yvette taught him to pee standing up. Saying he was to shake twice, no more than that, as any more was a tug. I am sure Yvette was meant to have only boys as she is like a boy herself. She can out swear them, outsmart them, punch them up (not that she's had to, they are too shit scared of her,) second only to me and that's as it should be.
When Kyle was just over 3, I told him to get upstairs and get to bed, or else. He sat on the stairs in his fluffy blue pyjamas and slippers and said.
"Nana"
"What?"
"I'm not your whole world anymore"
"Good, now get to bed, you little shit "
I was never as happy as when I knew he was Ok and tucked up in bed. Safe.
He crossed through three states once on a bus with $20 from his Mum and made friends on the bus who bought him food and looked after him. His brothers had been taken into care as his Dad had left them abandoned in a car. Yvette was at home with Kyle and had ran to the police station but the little boys were gone. So in desperation she put kyle on a bus and sent him To Melbourne. Kyle was 10.
I watched from afar this grandson of mine, stepping in when I had to. he lived with me on and off for years. Sometimes beacuse school was closer or I just wanted to pinch him and run away with him. Somewhere safe, the country, a simpler life. Such a little man for his family. Sometimes I just wanted him to be a kid. I always encouraged him to be good to his parents. He's had great friends over the years and bad friends too. He could easily led and we kept fearing he would take on his Dad's traits. And for a while that was what came into being and we had to suspend life for a while and jump in hand, foot and flailing arms to help him. And then he messed up again and we had to start all over and without Debbie and Andrew and Madenka and my brother George and Kyle, sucking it up. it wouldn't have happened.
He's a man now, all of nearly 22, has a great girlfriend, has been to hell and back, most of his life really. It hasn't been easy and he also took on the burden of his parents at times and his brothers. but he remains resolute. he's made mistakes and paid for them dearly. Such a big boy now, towers over me and his 6 stone mother. He's very cool, always beautifully dressed and groomed. Always has friends, just like Simon. His Dad is incarcerated again, as he has been most of Kyle's life but he loves him and understands him and rages at him, pities him, worries about him. but overall he's OK, with his Dad, Kyles had a lot of Counseling just lately, he works and loves his job, loves cars, and Madenka and we pretty sure he's going to fulfil that promise one day.
That promise we instilled in him all those years ago. A promise we made to Lauren, to always look after him for her and by bringing him up in an all female household, teaching him to be a man by trail and error. A man that she would have been proud of and that we would be proud of too. Shit how did we know how to raise a male, we were female.??? We made so many mistakes, so many mistakes, but we didn't have a rule book. And he could at times turn into a little tyrant and we wanted to punish him, but which way ???? Hadn't he had enough punishment anyway?
We instilled in him to respect women, never ever to hit them, or lie or cheat, mostly he's getting there. he's human and he has made his own mistakes, but what I like about Kyle, is that he admits to his mistakes. And that says it all. really. We all make mistakes, we are only human. It's a big responsibility for him to take up the challenge of life and be the "Braveheart", I want him to be. And knowing that true freedom is hard earned. But he's trying, and as Natalie Bruckshaw, my Mother would have said, when I said "I'm TRYING!". She would always answer.
"Yes, very "
Only joking My whole world ,,,,, love you Mr Cool............ and keep behaving or I might have to "tweak " you ........ Nana
