Lauren - the funeral
Without Prejudice
Doctor Johnson said there was nothing we could do for Lauren but we could plan her funeral, the way she would have wanted it. George and Jackie took clothes and shoes to her. Bob and I and the girls had not yet seen her. We wanted to but it took time. There would have had to have been an autopsy and when we finally did go, we held hands and walked into the viewing room, supporting each other as a family.
My sister in law, the very beautiful, Kerry Cue, said she had never sounds like the ones we uttered as we finally saw her. Lain out in a satin lined coffin. Kerry waited in another room and she said the cry out from us as we viewed our dead daughter and sister will live on in her memory for ever. It was inhuman, intolerable and was not happening, not happening. We put photos of her in the coffin and her jewellery. I touched her and she was cold and hard. I went to stroke her hair and the assistant stepped forward and said to touch very gently. I kissed her cold face and stroked her legs, newly shaven. She was magnificent in death, just as she was in life.
I would have stayed there all night and the others pulled me away. I now prefer the Maori method of grief. they are allowed to bring the body once released, home. And the body lies on a special ice bed, and the Mother never leaves the body., lying beside it and keening. Thats what I felt. I wanted to mourn her, touch her, and never leave her side. Now I know. I don't do what others say, however well meaning. Because they are not the one feeling it.
So we felt better after we saw her. Jackie said the tension had gone out of our faces when we arrived back from the funeral home. So we began to plan her funeral, unbelievable as that fact was , is and always will be. We knew her Music, Guns N Roses and Poison. So we decided on 3 and spoke to the minister who came from her Sunday School about a service there first and then on to Springvale crematorium for the cremation, she had requested. Bob wrote a poem, within minutes for the Herald Sun obits. It was really good and really awful at the same time, the content good and the fact he had to write it, awful, really awful.
We were given a big photo of her by Kerry Frouds Mum, Gayle and a memory, a precious one. How once every one had forgotten Gayle's birthday. And she was upset and in her front garden and saw a little figure approaching on her red BMX. It was Lauren with a basket of home made presents for Gayle, some used and some new. She cried when she told us, so did we, but it was so typically "Lauren" and I stored that memory in my heart and mind, forever. And she reminded us of Lauren's habit of dressing her kitten, Mush, in a baby grow suit and taking him for a walk in a pram. The kitten was spread eagled, limbs constrained in the grow suit and sporting a bonnet. Gayle laughed at that memory and so did we, remembering.
She christened Mush and we had to have a service and she wrote to her kitten, that note I keep laminated now. It was to be prophetic for Kyle in a strange way. It's torn from a lined notebook and written in blue ink and the spelling is wrong in parts and funnily her grammar is so very correct and I quote it here, verbatim,
"Here we have a son who not long joined us,
Dure in his life he will reicieve help in the time of need
guidence in lifes problems
a knowledge of jesus christ
hope for the future
peace of mind
and an assurance of eternal life.
You may also be comforted and loved
I know christian you as
Mush Champaine Hancock
in the name of jesus christ.
She had a bible hidden in her room, given to her by Bible Bashers (her words, not mine), she wrote that on the fly leaf in silver pen
"Given to me by bible bashers" on 22/3/89, and she has coloured the outside black over an obviously red cover. In pink biro is marked three passages she has outlined. I don't know why. but they meant something heartfelt to Lauren and once again, verbatim,
John 14:15, 11
"These things I have spoken to you, that My joy may remain in you, and that your joy may be full"
1 Peter, 1,2,12
"To them it was revealed that, not to themselves but to us they were ministering the things that have now been reported to you through those who have preached the gospel to you by the Holy Spirit sent from heaven---things which angels desire to look into.
And, this one
Psalm 37-22
"For those blessed by Him shall inherit the earth, but those cursed by Him shall be cut off "
And while I am writing this in the "wee hours" strange things happen, 3 of them. Acer calls to me from outside in the dark and I run to fetch him and take him back to the house and Yvette shuffles in to view, sleep mask on her head, puzzled. he had been in bed with her and climbed out and turned on all the lights and came looking for Nana, calling out at 2am in the morning. Yvette;s large fat and totally spoilt Nicky cat strolls in to my open door. Occupied as I am with getting Acer back to bed, and as I write the last passage from Laurens bible the computer shuts down and I freak. I can't have lost all that work. Oh no !
But its safe. I'm sure she sits over my shoulder and wants to play or tease or somehow make it clear she is still "somewhere". And if we believe in science then we know all the world consists of energy, constantly changing. And if we believe in love then we know that loved ones don't die, their body is no longer alive but the energy, the soul, the higher part of ourselves, still lives, even if only to charm or remember. But it's there and I would not have believed it either, cynical as I was, before Lauren died.
But back to the funeral. We made it beautiful. When people walked in they were greeted to "Sweet Child Of Mine" by Guns N Roses, then "Patience" and lastly Free Fallin' By Tom Petty. I felt that Lauren was free falling in space somewhere. That the little girl that had been first to go up in Bali, Para Sailing, was up "there" somewhere and she was free falling. Those songs gave me comfort because it would have been what she wanted. A lot of us in the family turn up "Sweet Child of Mine" when it comes through on the radio. The riff at the beginning blaring out into the neighborhood. We text each other, the girls and I when Free Fallin is on the radio. It keeps us connected to her, somehow.
And as I write this "I Wont Back Down by Tom Petty, comes out of the radio and I smile. see what I mean ????
When Bob and I and the girls arrived at the church we were shocked at the amount of people outside. The school kids in school uniform, her teachers, her Principal, our friends, her friends, the girls friends. People from our past, neighbours and we were honoured by their attendance. The service itself was just as she would have wanted. My brother Ian delivering the eulogy. Bob and I sat there, but we weren't there, really. And when we went outside after the sun was dazzling and people hugged us and cried.
We left for the crematorium and drove past her school in a big cortege. We had been asked not to do that, that it might "upset" some of the students, but our Funeral Director, a great man, insisted we drive past and bugger the rest, so we did. Most of the students, teachers, were at the funeral, anyway. I didn't care, it was the worst day of my life, anyway and nothing was going to help. I remember glancing out of the window of the car and wondering how come people were moving outside. How dare they be getting on with their lives. Why hadn't the world stopped?
The service at the crematorium was awful beyond words. At he last minute I crossed to her now closed coffin and gently placed her hated pink glasses on the top. I had to know that in the next life she could see where she was going. The coffin was swept away behind curtains and I stayed looking long after most of the others were gone. Then we were back in the car and as I went to enter, Bob's Auntie ran towards me, she had lost a child, a son, fully grown.
"I know what you're feeling, Janette", she said. "I lost a son, I lost a son"
I looked at her and she was alive and still living and right then and there I decided to live. If Bertha could do, so could I.
We went back to our house and the wake was fantastic, it was joyous and I moved through it like a robot. There in body and mind but my spirit was somewhere else. People were so kind but I spoke almost dispassionately, telling and retelling the story. One of Bob;s workers noticed and pulled me aside,
How, can you be so cold, don't you feel", he was crying. I looked at him from some other plane, didn't he see me screaming inside???
Bob grabbed me at one point and ushered me into the bedroom.
Doctor Johnson said there was nothing we could do for Lauren but we could plan her funeral, the way she would have wanted it. George and Jackie took clothes and shoes to her. Bob and I and the girls had not yet seen her. We wanted to but it took time. There would have had to have been an autopsy and when we finally did go, we held hands and walked into the viewing room, supporting each other as a family.
My sister in law, the very beautiful, Kerry Cue, said she had never sounds like the ones we uttered as we finally saw her. Lain out in a satin lined coffin. Kerry waited in another room and she said the cry out from us as we viewed our dead daughter and sister will live on in her memory for ever. It was inhuman, intolerable and was not happening, not happening. We put photos of her in the coffin and her jewellery. I touched her and she was cold and hard. I went to stroke her hair and the assistant stepped forward and said to touch very gently. I kissed her cold face and stroked her legs, newly shaven. She was magnificent in death, just as she was in life.
I would have stayed there all night and the others pulled me away. I now prefer the Maori method of grief. they are allowed to bring the body once released, home. And the body lies on a special ice bed, and the Mother never leaves the body., lying beside it and keening. Thats what I felt. I wanted to mourn her, touch her, and never leave her side. Now I know. I don't do what others say, however well meaning. Because they are not the one feeling it.
So we felt better after we saw her. Jackie said the tension had gone out of our faces when we arrived back from the funeral home. So we began to plan her funeral, unbelievable as that fact was , is and always will be. We knew her Music, Guns N Roses and Poison. So we decided on 3 and spoke to the minister who came from her Sunday School about a service there first and then on to Springvale crematorium for the cremation, she had requested. Bob wrote a poem, within minutes for the Herald Sun obits. It was really good and really awful at the same time, the content good and the fact he had to write it, awful, really awful.
We were given a big photo of her by Kerry Frouds Mum, Gayle and a memory, a precious one. How once every one had forgotten Gayle's birthday. And she was upset and in her front garden and saw a little figure approaching on her red BMX. It was Lauren with a basket of home made presents for Gayle, some used and some new. She cried when she told us, so did we, but it was so typically "Lauren" and I stored that memory in my heart and mind, forever. And she reminded us of Lauren's habit of dressing her kitten, Mush, in a baby grow suit and taking him for a walk in a pram. The kitten was spread eagled, limbs constrained in the grow suit and sporting a bonnet. Gayle laughed at that memory and so did we, remembering.
She christened Mush and we had to have a service and she wrote to her kitten, that note I keep laminated now. It was to be prophetic for Kyle in a strange way. It's torn from a lined notebook and written in blue ink and the spelling is wrong in parts and funnily her grammar is so very correct and I quote it here, verbatim,
"Here we have a son who not long joined us,
Dure in his life he will reicieve help in the time of need
guidence in lifes problems
a knowledge of jesus christ
hope for the future
peace of mind
and an assurance of eternal life.
You may also be comforted and loved
I know christian you as
Mush Champaine Hancock
in the name of jesus christ.
She had a bible hidden in her room, given to her by Bible Bashers (her words, not mine), she wrote that on the fly leaf in silver pen
"Given to me by bible bashers" on 22/3/89, and she has coloured the outside black over an obviously red cover. In pink biro is marked three passages she has outlined. I don't know why. but they meant something heartfelt to Lauren and once again, verbatim,
John 14:15, 11
"These things I have spoken to you, that My joy may remain in you, and that your joy may be full"
1 Peter, 1,2,12
"To them it was revealed that, not to themselves but to us they were ministering the things that have now been reported to you through those who have preached the gospel to you by the Holy Spirit sent from heaven---things which angels desire to look into.
And, this one
Psalm 37-22
"For those blessed by Him shall inherit the earth, but those cursed by Him shall be cut off "
And while I am writing this in the "wee hours" strange things happen, 3 of them. Acer calls to me from outside in the dark and I run to fetch him and take him back to the house and Yvette shuffles in to view, sleep mask on her head, puzzled. he had been in bed with her and climbed out and turned on all the lights and came looking for Nana, calling out at 2am in the morning. Yvette;s large fat and totally spoilt Nicky cat strolls in to my open door. Occupied as I am with getting Acer back to bed, and as I write the last passage from Laurens bible the computer shuts down and I freak. I can't have lost all that work. Oh no !
But its safe. I'm sure she sits over my shoulder and wants to play or tease or somehow make it clear she is still "somewhere". And if we believe in science then we know all the world consists of energy, constantly changing. And if we believe in love then we know that loved ones don't die, their body is no longer alive but the energy, the soul, the higher part of ourselves, still lives, even if only to charm or remember. But it's there and I would not have believed it either, cynical as I was, before Lauren died.
But back to the funeral. We made it beautiful. When people walked in they were greeted to "Sweet Child Of Mine" by Guns N Roses, then "Patience" and lastly Free Fallin' By Tom Petty. I felt that Lauren was free falling in space somewhere. That the little girl that had been first to go up in Bali, Para Sailing, was up "there" somewhere and she was free falling. Those songs gave me comfort because it would have been what she wanted. A lot of us in the family turn up "Sweet Child of Mine" when it comes through on the radio. The riff at the beginning blaring out into the neighborhood. We text each other, the girls and I when Free Fallin is on the radio. It keeps us connected to her, somehow.
And as I write this "I Wont Back Down by Tom Petty, comes out of the radio and I smile. see what I mean ????
When Bob and I and the girls arrived at the church we were shocked at the amount of people outside. The school kids in school uniform, her teachers, her Principal, our friends, her friends, the girls friends. People from our past, neighbours and we were honoured by their attendance. The service itself was just as she would have wanted. My brother Ian delivering the eulogy. Bob and I sat there, but we weren't there, really. And when we went outside after the sun was dazzling and people hugged us and cried.
We left for the crematorium and drove past her school in a big cortege. We had been asked not to do that, that it might "upset" some of the students, but our Funeral Director, a great man, insisted we drive past and bugger the rest, so we did. Most of the students, teachers, were at the funeral, anyway. I didn't care, it was the worst day of my life, anyway and nothing was going to help. I remember glancing out of the window of the car and wondering how come people were moving outside. How dare they be getting on with their lives. Why hadn't the world stopped?
The service at the crematorium was awful beyond words. At he last minute I crossed to her now closed coffin and gently placed her hated pink glasses on the top. I had to know that in the next life she could see where she was going. The coffin was swept away behind curtains and I stayed looking long after most of the others were gone. Then we were back in the car and as I went to enter, Bob's Auntie ran towards me, she had lost a child, a son, fully grown.
"I know what you're feeling, Janette", she said. "I lost a son, I lost a son"
I looked at her and she was alive and still living and right then and there I decided to live. If Bertha could do, so could I.
We went back to our house and the wake was fantastic, it was joyous and I moved through it like a robot. There in body and mind but my spirit was somewhere else. People were so kind but I spoke almost dispassionately, telling and retelling the story. One of Bob;s workers noticed and pulled me aside,
How, can you be so cold, don't you feel", he was crying. I looked at him from some other plane, didn't he see me screaming inside???
Bob grabbed me at one point and ushered me into the bedroom.
