Lauren 7
Without Prejudice
The days dragged on unabated. I can remember just existing, hanging on only for the girls and Kyle. When they were out I dreaded my time alone. I wanted the peace and quiet of being alone but the silence was oppressive. I played no music, didn't read, sometimes sitting up until the girls came home, chain smoking and drumming my fingers. I still didn't cry much. I went to my counselling and I listened to the grief tapes, furtively, upstairs in the office at the factory. I guess by then I was still obeying Bob and not talking of her.
"it" was a new "elephant In The Lounge Room" for us. Until we went to Tassie and Bob just blurted it out to people, so did I, we were just gabbling like demented people. A man that was with us had lost two children to CF, we felt bad that we had just lost one and we had at least been spared the pain of knowing our child was doomed to die. This Man's pain was indescribable and he was very gloomy with it. But I think that was in his nature, anyway.
I cry when I think of Bob blurting it out like that, he couldn't not talk of her either and from then on we talked about her. She was such a beautiful girl, how could we not. Lauren had glowed, incandescent, she ate slept and lived love. She was never moody, always happy and we called her our little butterfly. She was innocent and sweet and liked to make people happy and she was gone, not coming back, not ever. It is unreasonable to be able to survive that.
After I told Crazy to get out I took it a day at a time,
There were the other girls to take care of, Letting him go was the best thing I ever did. We were over and it was done and as I said, I never ever missed him, not for a second. I likened it to being smashed over the head with a hammer, relentlessly. It was so very peaceful when it stopped. Funny really, his song for me was "Every step you take", he had promised to be with me forever, we would grow old together and he would be buried beside me. I don't think so, do you???
The days dragged on unabated. I can remember just existing, hanging on only for the girls and Kyle. When they were out I dreaded my time alone. I wanted the peace and quiet of being alone but the silence was oppressive. I played no music, didn't read, sometimes sitting up until the girls came home, chain smoking and drumming my fingers. I still didn't cry much. I went to my counselling and I listened to the grief tapes, furtively, upstairs in the office at the factory. I guess by then I was still obeying Bob and not talking of her.
"it" was a new "elephant In The Lounge Room" for us. Until we went to Tassie and Bob just blurted it out to people, so did I, we were just gabbling like demented people. A man that was with us had lost two children to CF, we felt bad that we had just lost one and we had at least been spared the pain of knowing our child was doomed to die. This Man's pain was indescribable and he was very gloomy with it. But I think that was in his nature, anyway.
I cry when I think of Bob blurting it out like that, he couldn't not talk of her either and from then on we talked about her. She was such a beautiful girl, how could we not. Lauren had glowed, incandescent, she ate slept and lived love. She was never moody, always happy and we called her our little butterfly. She was innocent and sweet and liked to make people happy and she was gone, not coming back, not ever. It is unreasonable to be able to survive that.
After I told Crazy to get out I took it a day at a time,
There were the other girls to take care of, Letting him go was the best thing I ever did. We were over and it was done and as I said, I never ever missed him, not for a second. I likened it to being smashed over the head with a hammer, relentlessly. It was so very peaceful when it stopped. Funny really, his song for me was "Every step you take", he had promised to be with me forever, we would grow old together and he would be buried beside me. I don't think so, do you???
