Mum and the English Patient
Without Prejudice
My son in law is exhausted. The devil is in the details as I have already said and I'm an anal little Virgo and love details. My daughter, the patient, is and has been in a deep depression. Ideating suicide, not eating at all and barely drinking, even water. She was in Hospital and insisted on going home. She tried to commit suicide in there.
I knew my Son In Law can be controlling, but he cares, too much about everything. He has been trying to keep up his job, which is 12 hours a night, 5 days a week. Look after the patient,the 4 kids and keep all the balls in the air. He dearly loves his wife I know that. And to try and do all that he has To pull out all stops. It's too much.
So he cracked it the other night and I was pissed off with him and then My grand daughter was late home, he lost it, and she was hurt and upset and I wanted to be beyond anger. But then she heard that he cried. And I knew that tiny detail was what I needed to hear. He never cries, except at the two funerals of his twin brothers, ten years apart.
He always tries to be the strong one. But the mystifying illness of his wife was driving him nuts. He visited her in Hospital, he suggested we do a roster of visits once he returned to work. He realised she needed help but was helpless against depression. And I am an expert in it. He insisted she eat something, he insisted she drink something. The strain of it all cracked him wide open. He loves his kids and is a good Dad, a good husband.
He's not perfect as none of us are. But he has been worried sick about my daughter, his wife. God whenever his kids have had operations he has been the last person they see. He insists on holding their hands until they go under. So to know he was crying was too much. So I let go of all my anger and reached out to him.
And asked what could I do to help?
She's my daughter, I know her pretty well and I had a clinically depressed Mother who was also mentally ill for years.
He asked if I would take her overnight. My grand daughter at 14 already here, staying in the front house with her Auntie Yvette. My son in law banning her from the house and she ran to her sisters boyfriends house and rang Yvette. We all thought he was a mean nasty man until I asked her to come into my unit and talked to her.
After the litany of complaints against Mum and Dad, I reminded her she will get over it. She's 14. That no one will love and protect her like they will and that Mum will get well. And her Dad loves her more than life itself. For him to cry after he lost it I knew he was losing it and losing it big time. He adores his wife as I said and he loves his kids. He works hard and asks for nothing really. I have seen him finish a shift and come home and mow the lawns, take the kids to school and then go to bed, finally.
I texted him and said,
"you have been under a lot of stress, tell me what we can do to help.T, (my grand daughter) here, she be fine."
And he texted me back soon,
"Can you look after A, ( my daughter ) for night please I need a rest will that be O.K."
Then I said of course.
So she been here all day and now asleep. He is having a BBQ with his kids, his oldest who moved out because of Mum and her depression. J is 18 and a beautiful girl but could take no more of Mum and her illness. He has always adored his "Big Girl" and missed her when she moved out. J was diagnosed with Crohns Disease last year and I know both parents were beside themselves with worry for months.
She was in and out of hospital and angry and sad about being diagnosed with a life long illness. It was touch and go that her bowel was not resectioned. She will have to watch out for flare ups all her life but fingers crossed, eh . That was devastating enough, and then I went to Queensland for the winter and came home to a daughter I did not recognise. Before I left she was losing weight rapidly from stress with her daughters illness and post traumatic disorder.
When I returned after 3 months, she was beyond recognition. I saw a girl at the airport with brightly plum coloured hair and thought to myself,
" Now that is what A would like to look like if that was A. "
And it was her. I didn't recognise my own child.
She had always had been a big girl and this skinny stranger was someone I had to get used to. I could not stop gawping at her,
She has always been a pretty woman but now she is handsome, I hope that doesn't sound strange. Her jaw line is defined. She looks at least ten years younger and she has added at least thirty years to her life. When I lost my 25 kilos there was no one more negative about it than her. I heard rumours I was taking my Grandsons Ritalin, or was leaving my fridge deliberately empty and "stealing" food from my daughters house. Guess where those Chinese Whispers were coming from.?
But none of them were true, my mind made itself up to get healthy. And I shed the fat and I regained more years to my life.
A's body just didn't know when to stop. It's called Anorexia as any cessation of appetite is called. It is not Anorexia Nervosa. Yvette has had Anorexia Nervosa and there is a big difference. She has been left with the spoon shaped finger nails from the illness. She had to have therapy to get over it. And had to retrain her mind and body to eat. She has worked out if she has breakfast and de stresses, she will "remember" to eat. If not and she is too busy, her body "forgets" to eat.
Apparently eating disorders are inherited, and as a young girl I would not eat anything except scrambled egg and tomato soup. I also exercised obsessively. Swimming a mile before school at 9 and getting a scholarship at 10 to swim and being in the final of the State Championships in Sydney. When I was in the U.K. I swam, played hockey, did gym, dance and movement. I also trampolined for hours. Then I discovered boys and all my good work went out the window.
I put on a stack of weight when I stopped exercising, finding my body type is the type that "needs" to exercise. I returned back from the U.K. as a nice plump, Yorkshire Pudding. I quickly lost it, by eating less and walking more and was 8st 4 lb for years. I find for me the only thing that works to lose weight is to eat a whole lot less food and move a lot.
Now, it's A's turn and she is having a rough time adjusting to her new body. She missed her " Big Body", she said. Which is just silly as far as I am concerned. No one misses a big body. She used to grab her apron like stomach and feel loathing for it. Imagined cutting it off. Now that it is gone, she doesn't miss it. It's just she thought she was happier around then.
Anyway Mummy knows best as my son in law brought all her medications around, with careful instructions as to the taking of them. He said she would fight me not to take the antidepressant. She didn't. She was full of negative talk. He said I would "see" and was worried I would not be able to cope. He rang three times after he left. Just checking. She was fine, I knew she would be. I'm her Mum. And I had the practice all those years ago of looking after a very mentally challenged woman, MY Mum.
My poor Son In Law has no point of reference in his family. Depression doesn't run in his family. And depression is a chemical imbalance of the brain. And it's not a life sentence. For people with it they have to be vigilant. They have to eat right, not drink or do drugs, especially prescription drugs. Rest well, stick to a routine as much as possible. Not hang around for too long with negative people.
My daughter, A is just going through the first week of medication. She is impatient like me and wants to be better but it takes time. She sleeps now. She woke up at one point and was cold, so cold. She's warm now. Tucked up in Mummy's bed, nice and warm. She will get better, day by day by day. And for my Son In Law it's a solution for now and it's a daily process. He needs a break and all carers need that. A safe haven in a time of unbelievable stress.
The Carer also needs the care.,they get so caught up in process they neglect themselves.
Love Janette
My son in law is exhausted. The devil is in the details as I have already said and I'm an anal little Virgo and love details. My daughter, the patient, is and has been in a deep depression. Ideating suicide, not eating at all and barely drinking, even water. She was in Hospital and insisted on going home. She tried to commit suicide in there.
I knew my Son In Law can be controlling, but he cares, too much about everything. He has been trying to keep up his job, which is 12 hours a night, 5 days a week. Look after the patient,the 4 kids and keep all the balls in the air. He dearly loves his wife I know that. And to try and do all that he has To pull out all stops. It's too much.
So he cracked it the other night and I was pissed off with him and then My grand daughter was late home, he lost it, and she was hurt and upset and I wanted to be beyond anger. But then she heard that he cried. And I knew that tiny detail was what I needed to hear. He never cries, except at the two funerals of his twin brothers, ten years apart.
He always tries to be the strong one. But the mystifying illness of his wife was driving him nuts. He visited her in Hospital, he suggested we do a roster of visits once he returned to work. He realised she needed help but was helpless against depression. And I am an expert in it. He insisted she eat something, he insisted she drink something. The strain of it all cracked him wide open. He loves his kids and is a good Dad, a good husband.
He's not perfect as none of us are. But he has been worried sick about my daughter, his wife. God whenever his kids have had operations he has been the last person they see. He insists on holding their hands until they go under. So to know he was crying was too much. So I let go of all my anger and reached out to him.
And asked what could I do to help?
She's my daughter, I know her pretty well and I had a clinically depressed Mother who was also mentally ill for years.
He asked if I would take her overnight. My grand daughter at 14 already here, staying in the front house with her Auntie Yvette. My son in law banning her from the house and she ran to her sisters boyfriends house and rang Yvette. We all thought he was a mean nasty man until I asked her to come into my unit and talked to her.
After the litany of complaints against Mum and Dad, I reminded her she will get over it. She's 14. That no one will love and protect her like they will and that Mum will get well. And her Dad loves her more than life itself. For him to cry after he lost it I knew he was losing it and losing it big time. He adores his wife as I said and he loves his kids. He works hard and asks for nothing really. I have seen him finish a shift and come home and mow the lawns, take the kids to school and then go to bed, finally.
I texted him and said,
"you have been under a lot of stress, tell me what we can do to help.T, (my grand daughter) here, she be fine."
And he texted me back soon,
"Can you look after A, ( my daughter ) for night please I need a rest will that be O.K."
Then I said of course.
So she been here all day and now asleep. He is having a BBQ with his kids, his oldest who moved out because of Mum and her depression. J is 18 and a beautiful girl but could take no more of Mum and her illness. He has always adored his "Big Girl" and missed her when she moved out. J was diagnosed with Crohns Disease last year and I know both parents were beside themselves with worry for months.
She was in and out of hospital and angry and sad about being diagnosed with a life long illness. It was touch and go that her bowel was not resectioned. She will have to watch out for flare ups all her life but fingers crossed, eh . That was devastating enough, and then I went to Queensland for the winter and came home to a daughter I did not recognise. Before I left she was losing weight rapidly from stress with her daughters illness and post traumatic disorder.
When I returned after 3 months, she was beyond recognition. I saw a girl at the airport with brightly plum coloured hair and thought to myself,
" Now that is what A would like to look like if that was A. "
And it was her. I didn't recognise my own child.
She had always had been a big girl and this skinny stranger was someone I had to get used to. I could not stop gawping at her,
She has always been a pretty woman but now she is handsome, I hope that doesn't sound strange. Her jaw line is defined. She looks at least ten years younger and she has added at least thirty years to her life. When I lost my 25 kilos there was no one more negative about it than her. I heard rumours I was taking my Grandsons Ritalin, or was leaving my fridge deliberately empty and "stealing" food from my daughters house. Guess where those Chinese Whispers were coming from.?
But none of them were true, my mind made itself up to get healthy. And I shed the fat and I regained more years to my life.
A's body just didn't know when to stop. It's called Anorexia as any cessation of appetite is called. It is not Anorexia Nervosa. Yvette has had Anorexia Nervosa and there is a big difference. She has been left with the spoon shaped finger nails from the illness. She had to have therapy to get over it. And had to retrain her mind and body to eat. She has worked out if she has breakfast and de stresses, she will "remember" to eat. If not and she is too busy, her body "forgets" to eat.
Apparently eating disorders are inherited, and as a young girl I would not eat anything except scrambled egg and tomato soup. I also exercised obsessively. Swimming a mile before school at 9 and getting a scholarship at 10 to swim and being in the final of the State Championships in Sydney. When I was in the U.K. I swam, played hockey, did gym, dance and movement. I also trampolined for hours. Then I discovered boys and all my good work went out the window.
I put on a stack of weight when I stopped exercising, finding my body type is the type that "needs" to exercise. I returned back from the U.K. as a nice plump, Yorkshire Pudding. I quickly lost it, by eating less and walking more and was 8st 4 lb for years. I find for me the only thing that works to lose weight is to eat a whole lot less food and move a lot.
Now, it's A's turn and she is having a rough time adjusting to her new body. She missed her " Big Body", she said. Which is just silly as far as I am concerned. No one misses a big body. She used to grab her apron like stomach and feel loathing for it. Imagined cutting it off. Now that it is gone, she doesn't miss it. It's just she thought she was happier around then.
Anyway Mummy knows best as my son in law brought all her medications around, with careful instructions as to the taking of them. He said she would fight me not to take the antidepressant. She didn't. She was full of negative talk. He said I would "see" and was worried I would not be able to cope. He rang three times after he left. Just checking. She was fine, I knew she would be. I'm her Mum. And I had the practice all those years ago of looking after a very mentally challenged woman, MY Mum.
My poor Son In Law has no point of reference in his family. Depression doesn't run in his family. And depression is a chemical imbalance of the brain. And it's not a life sentence. For people with it they have to be vigilant. They have to eat right, not drink or do drugs, especially prescription drugs. Rest well, stick to a routine as much as possible. Not hang around for too long with negative people.
My daughter, A is just going through the first week of medication. She is impatient like me and wants to be better but it takes time. She sleeps now. She woke up at one point and was cold, so cold. She's warm now. Tucked up in Mummy's bed, nice and warm. She will get better, day by day by day. And for my Son In Law it's a solution for now and it's a daily process. He needs a break and all carers need that. A safe haven in a time of unbelievable stress.
The Carer also needs the care.,they get so caught up in process they neglect themselves.
Love Janette
