Anniversary Celebrations When You Have Lost Someone
Without Prejudice
They hurt. The week before is always hard as memories become stronger. But we do our best, keep busy and try to shut it all out, but it won't be,. Years before we have always fought around the anniversaries. I didn't want to celebrate Xmas, Mothers Day, the birthday. I couldn't handle it and would just go quiet and be by myself, the counsellors telling me it doesn't get easier. That time heals is a cliche. It doesn't. Grief gets worse with time but it becomes more personal.
I deal with it by thinking she is "somewhere", and that I will see her again. That she is with My Mum and Dad and brother Jamie, Aunty Pat, all the ones that have gone before and after her and I know she is happy, ecstatic. Her smile filling my eyes and mind and telling me eyes shining that its going to be better than fine. That I am going to be "Better than Fine".
I watched a show last night about Lily Allen, who lost her little baby boy at 6 months in her pregnancy. And how deep that grief goes, a baby not born into the world. Not allowed to reach is potential. A life unlived. And I am then glad I had 12 and a half years of a wonderful child. I never saw her lose her temper. Never saw her hate. Never saw her despairing unless it was when the Mother mouse ate some of her babies head off and Lauren was disgusted and let the Mother go, even though she loved her so.
And the cat, that kept trying to get the mice out of their cage. She hated the cat for a while but not for long. It was beyond her to hate. I wonder where sge came from with her shining love. We xould not match her in that. We had our normal petty hatreds and jealousies and she had none. How does that happen ??
When I was refusing to celebrate or acknowledge anniversaries I was doing the other girls, her sisters a disservice. They needed to celebrate and I didn't understand. Now I do. I join in every celebration now as I need to. Easter and Christmas and her birthday and Mothers Day. The traditions that help us to be part of a normal life, well lived. Every Summer, every Autumn. Times spent together in memories and fun and laughter.
My thoughts are personal and only for me and I love that my grown women of her 3 sisters do me and her proud every day. We've made it through the dark days and somehow made it to the future. All by ourselves. I love my chicks and their broods and I am a happy woman. I have loved and been loved. I was a treasured child and lucky to have had the parents I did that gave me stable and loving childhood as they did all their 7 kids.
My parents also bore the unbearable with fun and laughter and good times. Their bravery made me brave. Timid as I used to be and OCD when anxious. In tough times I would turn entire sentences backwards in my head and know every word. I could work out entire paragraphs in my head and it was a challenge to do so. I also bit my nails to the quick.
Then I was also faced with the unbearable and became another person. A stronger braver person. Things that life throws at you turn you one way or the other. The path can be a destructive one with temptations all the time to forget or block out the memories, guilt or pain. I wished some times I drank or took drugs or escaped into something, anything and I couldn't. My other girls would not let me.
Grief can be selfish and you forget that others suffer too. Of course its normal to have s ad week before a significant anniversary. It's called "the Anniversary Phenonema" and these days we accept it and keep happy and motivated. We have each other and when we spend time together we talk. and remember. And we close ranks, allowing no one else in. Just Family, real family.
We were told to talk about her, to talk and talk and talk about her until we could leave room in our brains for other things. And that is what we do and if we are ever stumped for answers, we just say
"What would have Lauren done or thought ? "
And the answers come.
My Sister Helen, a truly beautiful human being, who nurses people at the end of their lives,
"its all about the love"
"No one at the end of their lives wants more things, or money or misses one day of work but loves, and they take the love with them ", she says.
A person knows the loved ones will be there until the last breath, easing their path to their last final challenging journey. Death. And we will all die one day. Its just life. Beginnings and endings, ashes to ashes and dust to dust. But the good we do in our lives will help us and help others. One person can make a huge difference.
Never be scared to live, never be afraid what you say is silly or trite, never be scared to jump, you will always land somewhere and never be scared to love. Love is really the answer and hope and being practical.
"Before enlightenment, the washing, after enlightenment, the washing.
And love will transform you inside and out so never be scared to love xoxox
They hurt. The week before is always hard as memories become stronger. But we do our best, keep busy and try to shut it all out, but it won't be,. Years before we have always fought around the anniversaries. I didn't want to celebrate Xmas, Mothers Day, the birthday. I couldn't handle it and would just go quiet and be by myself, the counsellors telling me it doesn't get easier. That time heals is a cliche. It doesn't. Grief gets worse with time but it becomes more personal.
I deal with it by thinking she is "somewhere", and that I will see her again. That she is with My Mum and Dad and brother Jamie, Aunty Pat, all the ones that have gone before and after her and I know she is happy, ecstatic. Her smile filling my eyes and mind and telling me eyes shining that its going to be better than fine. That I am going to be "Better than Fine".
I watched a show last night about Lily Allen, who lost her little baby boy at 6 months in her pregnancy. And how deep that grief goes, a baby not born into the world. Not allowed to reach is potential. A life unlived. And I am then glad I had 12 and a half years of a wonderful child. I never saw her lose her temper. Never saw her hate. Never saw her despairing unless it was when the Mother mouse ate some of her babies head off and Lauren was disgusted and let the Mother go, even though she loved her so.
And the cat, that kept trying to get the mice out of their cage. She hated the cat for a while but not for long. It was beyond her to hate. I wonder where sge came from with her shining love. We xould not match her in that. We had our normal petty hatreds and jealousies and she had none. How does that happen ??
When I was refusing to celebrate or acknowledge anniversaries I was doing the other girls, her sisters a disservice. They needed to celebrate and I didn't understand. Now I do. I join in every celebration now as I need to. Easter and Christmas and her birthday and Mothers Day. The traditions that help us to be part of a normal life, well lived. Every Summer, every Autumn. Times spent together in memories and fun and laughter.
My thoughts are personal and only for me and I love that my grown women of her 3 sisters do me and her proud every day. We've made it through the dark days and somehow made it to the future. All by ourselves. I love my chicks and their broods and I am a happy woman. I have loved and been loved. I was a treasured child and lucky to have had the parents I did that gave me stable and loving childhood as they did all their 7 kids.
My parents also bore the unbearable with fun and laughter and good times. Their bravery made me brave. Timid as I used to be and OCD when anxious. In tough times I would turn entire sentences backwards in my head and know every word. I could work out entire paragraphs in my head and it was a challenge to do so. I also bit my nails to the quick.
Then I was also faced with the unbearable and became another person. A stronger braver person. Things that life throws at you turn you one way or the other. The path can be a destructive one with temptations all the time to forget or block out the memories, guilt or pain. I wished some times I drank or took drugs or escaped into something, anything and I couldn't. My other girls would not let me.
Grief can be selfish and you forget that others suffer too. Of course its normal to have s ad week before a significant anniversary. It's called "the Anniversary Phenonema" and these days we accept it and keep happy and motivated. We have each other and when we spend time together we talk. and remember. And we close ranks, allowing no one else in. Just Family, real family.
We were told to talk about her, to talk and talk and talk about her until we could leave room in our brains for other things. And that is what we do and if we are ever stumped for answers, we just say
"What would have Lauren done or thought ? "
And the answers come.
My Sister Helen, a truly beautiful human being, who nurses people at the end of their lives,
"its all about the love"
"No one at the end of their lives wants more things, or money or misses one day of work but loves, and they take the love with them ", she says.
A person knows the loved ones will be there until the last breath, easing their path to their last final challenging journey. Death. And we will all die one day. Its just life. Beginnings and endings, ashes to ashes and dust to dust. But the good we do in our lives will help us and help others. One person can make a huge difference.
Never be scared to live, never be afraid what you say is silly or trite, never be scared to jump, you will always land somewhere and never be scared to love. Love is really the answer and hope and being practical.
"Before enlightenment, the washing, after enlightenment, the washing.
And love will transform you inside and out so never be scared to love xoxox
