Forgiving
Without Prejudice
Forgiving someone that has done you great harm is hard, but it's the only way to be. I started writing funny stories about my ex husband as my brothers knew him and liked hearing the stories of his often hot headed antics.
As i continued to write it turned into more serious issues, some that had lain hidden for 22 years. I always wanted to wait until the girls were older or heaven forbid his mum died, but it just came out, and I love to drag a thing out now and examine it.
He is what he is and I forgive him as he just is and nothing will change that. he did promise that after his dad died, things would be different, but they remain the same and that's OK.
My girls have wonderful Uncles that love and adore them and they do the job of an errant Father. They miss the connection between Dad and daughter but are big strong women now, half his gene pool and half mine and although I had an awful marriage, and stayed, I remain grateful for my wonderful girl/women
I loved them at all ages, endlessly fascinated as to what they did and how they did it. And they are great people I like to hang around. The writing is what has done it, laying facts out on the page makes sense to my methodical, perfectionist brain.
I have written it in it's ugliness and tragedy and beauty, joy and hope.
I remain a little damaged, which I overcome, he tired to beat me down with his loud voice and violence but I remained resolute. it was not my fault, I didn't ask for it and he can't help it. Finit.
He is a stubborn man and will not change and has gone from a very handsome man to an old man and a bitter one, and I can't help that either.
I have met better men and kinder men and better fathers and he knows it and hides away from life in criticism and hatred. Bad choice, but that's his choice, not mine.
I blame myself for being scared of a bully for so long, standing up to him would only get you a hiding, so we remained silent, loathing and dreading. Now we are released from all that, Alena the one that gave up for the last time just recently and gave him what for.
The other girls gave up years ago. he has wrought a lot of havoc and unhappiness for himself, but he was always the type to cut off his nose to spite his face and that is true forever.
On to more pleasant matters and matters that we have some control over. The lights are lit and Christmas beckons it's hope and good will, just around the corner. I am supposed to be getting a tattoo on my hip this year in remembrance of Lauren's 22 anniversary the 30th November and it is Jamie, my beautiful brother's anniversary too.
What a strange coincidence it remains, 2 children in the one family dying on the same day, tragically and young.
Since then there have been so many babies and all wonderful and and I have seen nearly all their births except Brock who was born in an hour and I didn't make it to the hospital in time.
I can tell you every one was a miracle and I never ever get tired of it. I should have been a midwife. Cruz the 12 month old coming in minutes and I was ready to deliver him on the bed and could have except the male ambulance driver was a bit hesitant.
Kyan and Ashleigh were the most dramatic, Ash sickest baby I have ever seen and Kyan 5 weeks prem and needing an operation at 4 and a half pound.
I thank God, now for our strong genes that made all these children and without him I wouldn't have them so I forgive him, as they remain one of my greatest joys, are fun and interesting and I love, love, love them all. he, the great hater, giving me reason to go on after my child died.
It is not something you get over but learn to live around, now in memory and honoured every day, just by being better people as she was, pure and truthful.
I can see her now, hated pink glasses on her head and sitting next to the TV,
"Lauren, sit back from the TV, you will ruin your eyes", I would say and she would shuffle back a few feet and return to her position as soon as she thought I wasn't looking.
Those hated pink glasses were the last thing to go with her when she was cremated. I placed them on the coffin and thought no one noticed. But my Indian neighbour did and said I wanted her to see where she was going in the next life and I said yes.
How do you come to terms with that?. I had expert counselling within days and I went for 12 months and it was really expensive but I had to go, just had to.
They made sense from the start as they said they could not know what I was going through, but could guide me and help ma and the girls and my ex didn't want to go and 5 months later I asked him to leave.
I was frightened of him, no more, seeing him just as a bully and a wife beater, a title he rejects with good reason, but he was and I can't help that.
I remain friends with my ex family as I like them as people and just because he is what he is does not make them so. I love and respect my ex Mum in Law, a great strong funny irreverent woman, who was great friends with my Mother. She and I also had a great relationship, not without a few fights, but that's life.
I adore my Sis in Law Kerry Hancock who has been there every step of the way for me, a friendship forged when I was 16 and she was a lispy little girl of 6. I can't not be friends with her because her brother is my ex. He barely spoke to her for years so why should I care ?
I adore all my sisters in law, Karin, who was married to my brother, George, Kerry Cue who was married to my brother David and Kerry H whose brother I was married to.
Kerry H lives in Korumburra and I love to go there and forget the world for a while and enjoy her animals and the countryside and her loving friendship. I would move my unit up to the country but I have to be near the Grandkids and kids like a devoted Saint Bernard.
But after the anniversary, which is not as bad on the day, it's more the buildup. A female Doctor saying to me once, in ignorance, the anniversary phenomena doesn't exist except in our minds and I thought and said,
"Have you lost a child?"
Every anniversary is a reminder, Mothers day, Christmas, Birthdays, Anzac day, ground hog day, they are all reminders of that "shes" not here, she's not here but we are going to make it good for others, today, whether we are heart broken or not.
I am proud of my girls and I am proud of my self, we could have all ended up with really bad lives. But we didn't. All the girls sensible and happy and living their lives, well and happy and that is what I wanted for them.
He never broke us.No matter what he did, he could not break the Mother daughter bond and when we are joined together we can move mountains.
I love you girls, so very proud you have come through to the other side and you remain (apart from my words) my greatest achievement, my best friends and my greatest loves, Happy Anniversary to you who persisted and got up again after blow upon blow.
Debbie felt it, after Lauren died, the hatred of other people, people who should have known better hurt her and Alena and Yvette, it was like they had suffered tragedy and some people getting great enjoyment in kicking you when you are down.
But that's life in all it's imperfection. You just have to "Roll With The Punches" and get back up and start again. I wish all those people blessings as by their hatred they taught us a lot. We banded together and had a little infighting as we are all woman and always want to be right, (Or maybe "Perfect") like he wanted us to be.
He told Alena his new family is "perfect" as against anyone raised by "Janette" and I wonder how he quantifies that, one of his boys supposed to have autism and another not that nice or well behaved, quite spoiled and frightened I would say, given past history.
A leopard doesn't change its spots .
But we are all Ok, we laugh, we cat ridiculous, we cry, we have been known to get drunk and we rely on each other for sustenance and memory and we are the 5little ladies. He named us and we are, Lauren, Alena, Debbie, Yvette spelling the name L>A.>D>Y. and I am the 5 th little lady.
We band together in her memory and help others, this year freeing Mladenka from a terrible home situation and setting kyle on the right path and helping others in so many ways and it gives us great joy to know we can help.
My little girl circled in her school bible a phrase that remains with us,
"May my Joy remain in you and May your Joy be full"
So that's what we do, allow a pure girls trust in us to make a better world step by step, for us, for others and our Joy is full.
The Boys we making into men hahaahaha
Love Janette
.
Forgiving someone that has done you great harm is hard, but it's the only way to be. I started writing funny stories about my ex husband as my brothers knew him and liked hearing the stories of his often hot headed antics.
As i continued to write it turned into more serious issues, some that had lain hidden for 22 years. I always wanted to wait until the girls were older or heaven forbid his mum died, but it just came out, and I love to drag a thing out now and examine it.
He is what he is and I forgive him as he just is and nothing will change that. he did promise that after his dad died, things would be different, but they remain the same and that's OK.
My girls have wonderful Uncles that love and adore them and they do the job of an errant Father. They miss the connection between Dad and daughter but are big strong women now, half his gene pool and half mine and although I had an awful marriage, and stayed, I remain grateful for my wonderful girl/women
I loved them at all ages, endlessly fascinated as to what they did and how they did it. And they are great people I like to hang around. The writing is what has done it, laying facts out on the page makes sense to my methodical, perfectionist brain.
I have written it in it's ugliness and tragedy and beauty, joy and hope.
I remain a little damaged, which I overcome, he tired to beat me down with his loud voice and violence but I remained resolute. it was not my fault, I didn't ask for it and he can't help it. Finit.
He is a stubborn man and will not change and has gone from a very handsome man to an old man and a bitter one, and I can't help that either.
I have met better men and kinder men and better fathers and he knows it and hides away from life in criticism and hatred. Bad choice, but that's his choice, not mine.
I blame myself for being scared of a bully for so long, standing up to him would only get you a hiding, so we remained silent, loathing and dreading. Now we are released from all that, Alena the one that gave up for the last time just recently and gave him what for.
The other girls gave up years ago. he has wrought a lot of havoc and unhappiness for himself, but he was always the type to cut off his nose to spite his face and that is true forever.
On to more pleasant matters and matters that we have some control over. The lights are lit and Christmas beckons it's hope and good will, just around the corner. I am supposed to be getting a tattoo on my hip this year in remembrance of Lauren's 22 anniversary the 30th November and it is Jamie, my beautiful brother's anniversary too.
What a strange coincidence it remains, 2 children in the one family dying on the same day, tragically and young.
Since then there have been so many babies and all wonderful and and I have seen nearly all their births except Brock who was born in an hour and I didn't make it to the hospital in time.
I can tell you every one was a miracle and I never ever get tired of it. I should have been a midwife. Cruz the 12 month old coming in minutes and I was ready to deliver him on the bed and could have except the male ambulance driver was a bit hesitant.
Kyan and Ashleigh were the most dramatic, Ash sickest baby I have ever seen and Kyan 5 weeks prem and needing an operation at 4 and a half pound.
I thank God, now for our strong genes that made all these children and without him I wouldn't have them so I forgive him, as they remain one of my greatest joys, are fun and interesting and I love, love, love them all. he, the great hater, giving me reason to go on after my child died.
It is not something you get over but learn to live around, now in memory and honoured every day, just by being better people as she was, pure and truthful.
I can see her now, hated pink glasses on her head and sitting next to the TV,
"Lauren, sit back from the TV, you will ruin your eyes", I would say and she would shuffle back a few feet and return to her position as soon as she thought I wasn't looking.
Those hated pink glasses were the last thing to go with her when she was cremated. I placed them on the coffin and thought no one noticed. But my Indian neighbour did and said I wanted her to see where she was going in the next life and I said yes.
How do you come to terms with that?. I had expert counselling within days and I went for 12 months and it was really expensive but I had to go, just had to.
They made sense from the start as they said they could not know what I was going through, but could guide me and help ma and the girls and my ex didn't want to go and 5 months later I asked him to leave.
I was frightened of him, no more, seeing him just as a bully and a wife beater, a title he rejects with good reason, but he was and I can't help that.
I remain friends with my ex family as I like them as people and just because he is what he is does not make them so. I love and respect my ex Mum in Law, a great strong funny irreverent woman, who was great friends with my Mother. She and I also had a great relationship, not without a few fights, but that's life.
I adore my Sis in Law Kerry Hancock who has been there every step of the way for me, a friendship forged when I was 16 and she was a lispy little girl of 6. I can't not be friends with her because her brother is my ex. He barely spoke to her for years so why should I care ?
I adore all my sisters in law, Karin, who was married to my brother, George, Kerry Cue who was married to my brother David and Kerry H whose brother I was married to.
Kerry H lives in Korumburra and I love to go there and forget the world for a while and enjoy her animals and the countryside and her loving friendship. I would move my unit up to the country but I have to be near the Grandkids and kids like a devoted Saint Bernard.
But after the anniversary, which is not as bad on the day, it's more the buildup. A female Doctor saying to me once, in ignorance, the anniversary phenomena doesn't exist except in our minds and I thought and said,
"Have you lost a child?"
Every anniversary is a reminder, Mothers day, Christmas, Birthdays, Anzac day, ground hog day, they are all reminders of that "shes" not here, she's not here but we are going to make it good for others, today, whether we are heart broken or not.
I am proud of my girls and I am proud of my self, we could have all ended up with really bad lives. But we didn't. All the girls sensible and happy and living their lives, well and happy and that is what I wanted for them.
He never broke us.No matter what he did, he could not break the Mother daughter bond and when we are joined together we can move mountains.
I love you girls, so very proud you have come through to the other side and you remain (apart from my words) my greatest achievement, my best friends and my greatest loves, Happy Anniversary to you who persisted and got up again after blow upon blow.
Debbie felt it, after Lauren died, the hatred of other people, people who should have known better hurt her and Alena and Yvette, it was like they had suffered tragedy and some people getting great enjoyment in kicking you when you are down.
But that's life in all it's imperfection. You just have to "Roll With The Punches" and get back up and start again. I wish all those people blessings as by their hatred they taught us a lot. We banded together and had a little infighting as we are all woman and always want to be right, (Or maybe "Perfect") like he wanted us to be.
He told Alena his new family is "perfect" as against anyone raised by "Janette" and I wonder how he quantifies that, one of his boys supposed to have autism and another not that nice or well behaved, quite spoiled and frightened I would say, given past history.
A leopard doesn't change its spots .
But we are all Ok, we laugh, we cat ridiculous, we cry, we have been known to get drunk and we rely on each other for sustenance and memory and we are the 5little ladies. He named us and we are, Lauren, Alena, Debbie, Yvette spelling the name L>A.>D>Y. and I am the 5 th little lady.
We band together in her memory and help others, this year freeing Mladenka from a terrible home situation and setting kyle on the right path and helping others in so many ways and it gives us great joy to know we can help.
My little girl circled in her school bible a phrase that remains with us,
"May my Joy remain in you and May your Joy be full"
So that's what we do, allow a pure girls trust in us to make a better world step by step, for us, for others and our Joy is full.
Love Janette
.
