The Last Dinner
Without Prejudice
He wasn't happy to be there, my ex husband. Lauren and Kerry Froud had to put in a hand versed invitation. Kyle just born and he didn't want to acknowledge the impact on him of his first Grandchild being born, a boy Kyle.
he should have been over the moon, after all I was a failure as I had failed to produce a son and heir, only girls, hated girls. he didn't like his sisters he said and the feeling was handily reciprocated.
But, finally a boy and he would bear the Hancock name. but he wasn't happy and when I think about it, when was he ever?
Going through a severe mid life crisis that saw him in tears at reaching life long objectives and it was all empty, empty and he was sad and depressed.
But we had the dinner anyway, going to one of our favourite haunts in Dandenong and having 50 guests or so, life was lived LARGE, in those days.
Lauren and Kerry visiting him at his unit and finding meat in the cupboards, not covered or refrigerated and he was struggling with his singledom. The two 12 year old girls refrigerated the meat and felt sad for him, but he kept insisting he was happy.
We knew he wasn't but couldn't help him, that would have taken an expert and only if he wanted to listen. He had based his acceptance by his parents on being the biggest and the best and it didn't matter.
He would have been better developing his relationships with his daughters and me but he didn't want to. Blaming us for being happy about Kyle and me being a grandmother and the girls Aunties for the first time.
But he didn't, or couldn't and it took me a lomg time to realise he didn't feel those things like normal people did.
But the dinner was a fabulous success, Kyle guest of honour in his capsule and the last photo I have of Lauren and I alive, is me reaching up to touch her face as she hovered over Kyle.
Workers were there, mostly young, Mondon, Gardiner, Gooch, Ivan, Bob's parents, my friends and partners, all the girls and their friends. Deb about to turn 19 and Yvette turning 18 the following day and celebrating being a first time Mother.
She had to have permission to be out of the Hospital and she was allowed out for a few hours as was Kyle, and she was supposed to be returning to the Hospital later that night.
We were at Ease Garden, upstairs, with full tables and mountains of food and drink. He sat stone faced through most of the dinner, not unbending or conversing with us his family, but talked with the workers. Work being everything to him.
If he had known it was less than two weeks before Lauren would drown would he have been different. No. We are what we are and he was never happy and he wasn't going to be now. We as ever, tried our best to ignore him and have a good time anyway.
Thank God, he had moved out as I knew normally he would punish me after if he had been living at home. It was his choice to go to a unit, saying he was fed up with me and the girls.
He kept lists of what we did wrong to him, stole his chocolate and his black jumpers and socks. Deb said she loved that jumper and had no hesitation in wearing it, fed up with his petty tyrannies and savage temper.
Deb had finished year 12 and was working for him, hating him, but having to get along with him for the sake of peace. We were always doing that, anything for the sake of peace and not the raised voice and the pounding on the table of the fist.
The factory was finished at last and we had been able to move in and it was sooooo hot. The new factory having no shade, yet and was a hot and stuffy place in the Office. deb moved upstairs to the Mezzanine Floor as she said her dad smelt of unwashed clothes and she didn't want to be in his vicinity downstairs.
He was in love with a 19 year old girl in the Phillipines, he told everyone else, and they told me. I was outraged and hurt but in the end remained philosophical about it. i didn't love him, nor him me, we were just going through the motions of a dead marriage.
All hope and love leaving when we were young and yet we both believed in our vows all those years ago and he told me I was supposed to be buried with him and the way I felt you might as well have shoved me in there, already.
he said "every breath you take" by the Police was the way he felt about me, he didn't want me, nor did he want me to be happy without him. And he did love me in his own way, in an unhappy jealous and violent way but he told the girls years later he would always love me as the Mother of his children.
I would have preferred respect or sympathy or empathy but it was not to be. he is still like that about me. I love him too as the Father of my girls, but I realised in the end I didn't like him that much. There's a difference.
Realising I didn't like him came easily. he hurt people physically and mentally and emotionally. I think his problem was, he felt like a rejected child and when I ultimately rejected him he went ape shit. I had to reject him, his violence and drinking and nut case behaviour getting worse.
He had no hesitation in beating up a couple of the girls friends and they were just young boys, really. he had smashed grunt head first into the wall a few times to "teach the poor dog a lesson", a dumb animal. He was a psychopath I now realise, border line mad.
He always tried to put me down in that way, telling me I would end up like my Mother, who had taken her own life at 53.
She was mentally ill all my life my Mum, but us kids didn't realise it. Suffering post war trauma and the death of a child, she was very unwell later in life and it was just cruel and stupid of him to berate her, as if she could help herself.
He was not to help himself in that way, preferring to punish us for the rest of our lives by ignoring us and taking from us everything from us and I can understand the Darcy Freeman's father and the Robert Farqerson person, who drowned his 3 sons to teach that "Bitch", a lesson.
And then just like that, Lauren died. Twelve day after the dinner party, One day for every year of her life. he was devastated as was I. We couldn't function, couldn't move, couldn't think or concentrate or eat, sleep, live, save for basic functions and I don't remember most of it, Thank God.
I remember the first Christmas day, coming 3 weeks after her death and it was gritty and sad and awful and the worst Christmas I have ever had. Truly a day when you just wanted to be in a fog of alcohol or something as reality was starting to hit and all we were left with was the rawness of feeling stretched tight across our faces.
I kept wringing my hands and I had read about this phenonema but never realised it happened. I looked like a mask of grief and knew I was marked forever in my face, the grief and shock absolutely fucking awful
I can't describe it. Unless it's like waking up to a world turned upside down and empty as a nuclear wasteland with nothing to live for at that time. But you keep living. And you would rather close your eyes and drift off.
I wanted something to take away the pain and I bargained with God. I would do anything but wake me from this nightmare. Please. I can't imagine anything more horrible than seeing something you gave your life to, that you gave life to, carried in your body for 9 months. That was part of you for ever, leaving, being gone.
The world was cruel and I ended up hating god, just as my Mother had done.
To be continued,
Love Janette
He wasn't happy to be there, my ex husband. Lauren and Kerry Froud had to put in a hand versed invitation. Kyle just born and he didn't want to acknowledge the impact on him of his first Grandchild being born, a boy Kyle.
he should have been over the moon, after all I was a failure as I had failed to produce a son and heir, only girls, hated girls. he didn't like his sisters he said and the feeling was handily reciprocated.
But, finally a boy and he would bear the Hancock name. but he wasn't happy and when I think about it, when was he ever?
Going through a severe mid life crisis that saw him in tears at reaching life long objectives and it was all empty, empty and he was sad and depressed.
But we had the dinner anyway, going to one of our favourite haunts in Dandenong and having 50 guests or so, life was lived LARGE, in those days.
Lauren and Kerry visiting him at his unit and finding meat in the cupboards, not covered or refrigerated and he was struggling with his singledom. The two 12 year old girls refrigerated the meat and felt sad for him, but he kept insisting he was happy.
We knew he wasn't but couldn't help him, that would have taken an expert and only if he wanted to listen. He had based his acceptance by his parents on being the biggest and the best and it didn't matter.
He would have been better developing his relationships with his daughters and me but he didn't want to. Blaming us for being happy about Kyle and me being a grandmother and the girls Aunties for the first time.
But he didn't, or couldn't and it took me a lomg time to realise he didn't feel those things like normal people did.
But the dinner was a fabulous success, Kyle guest of honour in his capsule and the last photo I have of Lauren and I alive, is me reaching up to touch her face as she hovered over Kyle.
Workers were there, mostly young, Mondon, Gardiner, Gooch, Ivan, Bob's parents, my friends and partners, all the girls and their friends. Deb about to turn 19 and Yvette turning 18 the following day and celebrating being a first time Mother.
She had to have permission to be out of the Hospital and she was allowed out for a few hours as was Kyle, and she was supposed to be returning to the Hospital later that night.
We were at Ease Garden, upstairs, with full tables and mountains of food and drink. He sat stone faced through most of the dinner, not unbending or conversing with us his family, but talked with the workers. Work being everything to him.
If he had known it was less than two weeks before Lauren would drown would he have been different. No. We are what we are and he was never happy and he wasn't going to be now. We as ever, tried our best to ignore him and have a good time anyway.
Thank God, he had moved out as I knew normally he would punish me after if he had been living at home. It was his choice to go to a unit, saying he was fed up with me and the girls.
He kept lists of what we did wrong to him, stole his chocolate and his black jumpers and socks. Deb said she loved that jumper and had no hesitation in wearing it, fed up with his petty tyrannies and savage temper.
Deb had finished year 12 and was working for him, hating him, but having to get along with him for the sake of peace. We were always doing that, anything for the sake of peace and not the raised voice and the pounding on the table of the fist.
The factory was finished at last and we had been able to move in and it was sooooo hot. The new factory having no shade, yet and was a hot and stuffy place in the Office. deb moved upstairs to the Mezzanine Floor as she said her dad smelt of unwashed clothes and she didn't want to be in his vicinity downstairs.
He was in love with a 19 year old girl in the Phillipines, he told everyone else, and they told me. I was outraged and hurt but in the end remained philosophical about it. i didn't love him, nor him me, we were just going through the motions of a dead marriage.
All hope and love leaving when we were young and yet we both believed in our vows all those years ago and he told me I was supposed to be buried with him and the way I felt you might as well have shoved me in there, already.
he said "every breath you take" by the Police was the way he felt about me, he didn't want me, nor did he want me to be happy without him. And he did love me in his own way, in an unhappy jealous and violent way but he told the girls years later he would always love me as the Mother of his children.
I would have preferred respect or sympathy or empathy but it was not to be. he is still like that about me. I love him too as the Father of my girls, but I realised in the end I didn't like him that much. There's a difference.
Realising I didn't like him came easily. he hurt people physically and mentally and emotionally. I think his problem was, he felt like a rejected child and when I ultimately rejected him he went ape shit. I had to reject him, his violence and drinking and nut case behaviour getting worse.
He had no hesitation in beating up a couple of the girls friends and they were just young boys, really. he had smashed grunt head first into the wall a few times to "teach the poor dog a lesson", a dumb animal. He was a psychopath I now realise, border line mad.
He always tried to put me down in that way, telling me I would end up like my Mother, who had taken her own life at 53.
She was mentally ill all my life my Mum, but us kids didn't realise it. Suffering post war trauma and the death of a child, she was very unwell later in life and it was just cruel and stupid of him to berate her, as if she could help herself.
He was not to help himself in that way, preferring to punish us for the rest of our lives by ignoring us and taking from us everything from us and I can understand the Darcy Freeman's father and the Robert Farqerson person, who drowned his 3 sons to teach that "Bitch", a lesson.
And then just like that, Lauren died. Twelve day after the dinner party, One day for every year of her life. he was devastated as was I. We couldn't function, couldn't move, couldn't think or concentrate or eat, sleep, live, save for basic functions and I don't remember most of it, Thank God.
I remember the first Christmas day, coming 3 weeks after her death and it was gritty and sad and awful and the worst Christmas I have ever had. Truly a day when you just wanted to be in a fog of alcohol or something as reality was starting to hit and all we were left with was the rawness of feeling stretched tight across our faces.
I kept wringing my hands and I had read about this phenonema but never realised it happened. I looked like a mask of grief and knew I was marked forever in my face, the grief and shock absolutely fucking awful
I can't describe it. Unless it's like waking up to a world turned upside down and empty as a nuclear wasteland with nothing to live for at that time. But you keep living. And you would rather close your eyes and drift off.
I wanted something to take away the pain and I bargained with God. I would do anything but wake me from this nightmare. Please. I can't imagine anything more horrible than seeing something you gave your life to, that you gave life to, carried in your body for 9 months. That was part of you for ever, leaving, being gone.
The world was cruel and I ended up hating god, just as my Mother had done.
To be continued,
Love Janette
