November Rain
Without Prejudice
I am going into overdrive for the Anniversary. Is there ever a normal year?
I feel like I have to be strong for the girls, but I feel hurt and sore and exhausted. It's so wearing to be in grief and you wish life could return to normal, but it never will, so I have learned to accept.
Of all the months we have six major birthdays to contend with and it's hard. I don't feel like celebrating and when Jade turned 12, my first grand daughter to do so, I could not go near her for a few days.
12, the big number, the age she was when she died. Its shitty and awful and I am reminded of everything she was and cruel irony, what she could have been.
People ask me questions or talk to me and it's like i am in a fog, a red eyed cruel wind of remembrance and ill will. I prefer to be on my own and the girls won't let me.
They know what I go through. They have 13 children between them and next year we are expecting a new addition to the family.
I am so very happy with all that and I am proud of them all and I know they love me and feel for me but they can't help me.
Grief a journey traveled on your own, As most important journeys are. I don't want to talk, I don't want to do anything except get through the next few days, just being quiet and alone.
We found out years later that my brother Jamie died on the same day, also a child, aged 11 and also tragically.
The 30th November and I hate that day, the day itself not as bad as you fear, it's more the week before. When everything is just grey.
I won't hear from anyone, they know what I am like, perverse and stubborn in not letting anyone to the land of grief, they don't need it and they would not understand. I wouldn't want anyone to know how bad it is, the bottoming out and the feelings of rage and helplessness.
I can't describe it, save for to say, it's my journey with her, my journey to say how far we have come and whether we are honouring her enough in our daily lives.
I want to cry but am too tired to cry. I'd rather celebrate her life somehow, but at the moment all I can think about is her and her smell and her look and her children she will never have and the delight in her smile and eyes I will never see again.
Everything seems trite and empty and I just want to bear the unbearable and get on with it. I think of all the other people all over the world that are going through similar and I know they know how I feel.
It's so selfish, grief. I call it the Monster, because it comes to get you when you are feeling great one day and a gentle reminder will be somewhere.
Yesterday it was a lady beetle Yvette caught and it flew away. We hadn't seen one in years and today a white butterfly hovered around Acers head. Dancing around his 3 year old Blondie head like a halo.
God, I miss her. She who liked to be the peacemaker, who loved to be the best friend, most loving niece, the most loving and caring of daughters. I wonder what hope the other girls have of my attention this week. It's Deb's birthday tomorrow and I hope she doesn't burst into tears at work.
I hate to go to the memorial on my own as I know I will be felled to my knees and just want to crawl in there with her and die. Choosing to live for my other kids, but these day I am pretty much fucked.
And I mean it with feeling. Because feeling is all I have and my words, these words and writing them helps.
I am sorry I am not myself this week, I am sorry I don't feel like talking or being happy and content. After the day I will, but until then I remain in silence and at home because that's just about all I can cope with.
November rain because even when it isn't, it is in all our hearts. I hope i see her again when I die, I will have no way to tell you. But I do see her in my dreams and she reminds me to write. And that she's happy and that she wants us to be "better then fine"
So Miss flossy few clothes, Lauren Jade Hancock, with your scar above your eyebrow we love you and miss you and we wish you were still here but we will persevere in love and memory, bless you wonderful girl, mine for 12 and a half wonderful years. xxxxxxxxxxxx (x) and one for luck.
And if you hear the other songs by Guns N Roses, such as "Sweet Child of Mine", November Rain or Patience, turn it up loud Ok amd remember. thank you
Holly Cooper, Kerry Froud, Lauren x
Love Mum
I am going into overdrive for the Anniversary. Is there ever a normal year?
I feel like I have to be strong for the girls, but I feel hurt and sore and exhausted. It's so wearing to be in grief and you wish life could return to normal, but it never will, so I have learned to accept.
Of all the months we have six major birthdays to contend with and it's hard. I don't feel like celebrating and when Jade turned 12, my first grand daughter to do so, I could not go near her for a few days.
12, the big number, the age she was when she died. Its shitty and awful and I am reminded of everything she was and cruel irony, what she could have been.
People ask me questions or talk to me and it's like i am in a fog, a red eyed cruel wind of remembrance and ill will. I prefer to be on my own and the girls won't let me.
They know what I go through. They have 13 children between them and next year we are expecting a new addition to the family.
I am so very happy with all that and I am proud of them all and I know they love me and feel for me but they can't help me.
Grief a journey traveled on your own, As most important journeys are. I don't want to talk, I don't want to do anything except get through the next few days, just being quiet and alone.
We found out years later that my brother Jamie died on the same day, also a child, aged 11 and also tragically.
The 30th November and I hate that day, the day itself not as bad as you fear, it's more the week before. When everything is just grey.
I won't hear from anyone, they know what I am like, perverse and stubborn in not letting anyone to the land of grief, they don't need it and they would not understand. I wouldn't want anyone to know how bad it is, the bottoming out and the feelings of rage and helplessness.
I can't describe it, save for to say, it's my journey with her, my journey to say how far we have come and whether we are honouring her enough in our daily lives.
I want to cry but am too tired to cry. I'd rather celebrate her life somehow, but at the moment all I can think about is her and her smell and her look and her children she will never have and the delight in her smile and eyes I will never see again.
Everything seems trite and empty and I just want to bear the unbearable and get on with it. I think of all the other people all over the world that are going through similar and I know they know how I feel.
It's so selfish, grief. I call it the Monster, because it comes to get you when you are feeling great one day and a gentle reminder will be somewhere.
Yesterday it was a lady beetle Yvette caught and it flew away. We hadn't seen one in years and today a white butterfly hovered around Acers head. Dancing around his 3 year old Blondie head like a halo.
God, I miss her. She who liked to be the peacemaker, who loved to be the best friend, most loving niece, the most loving and caring of daughters. I wonder what hope the other girls have of my attention this week. It's Deb's birthday tomorrow and I hope she doesn't burst into tears at work.
I hate to go to the memorial on my own as I know I will be felled to my knees and just want to crawl in there with her and die. Choosing to live for my other kids, but these day I am pretty much fucked.
And I mean it with feeling. Because feeling is all I have and my words, these words and writing them helps.
I am sorry I am not myself this week, I am sorry I don't feel like talking or being happy and content. After the day I will, but until then I remain in silence and at home because that's just about all I can cope with.
November rain because even when it isn't, it is in all our hearts. I hope i see her again when I die, I will have no way to tell you. But I do see her in my dreams and she reminds me to write. And that she's happy and that she wants us to be "better then fine"
So Miss flossy few clothes, Lauren Jade Hancock, with your scar above your eyebrow we love you and miss you and we wish you were still here but we will persevere in love and memory, bless you wonderful girl, mine for 12 and a half wonderful years. xxxxxxxxxxxx (x) and one for luck.
And if you hear the other songs by Guns N Roses, such as "Sweet Child of Mine", November Rain or Patience, turn it up loud Ok amd remember. thank you
Holly Cooper, Kerry Froud, Lauren x
Love Mum
