Parenting tips by Crazy Bob------ The Beginning
Without Prejudice
Married at 17 on 4th July 1970
First holiday, I was 16 and learned to Water Ski--The metaphorical Gun at my head.
Marriage. Look at the body language
The Look, the size of those wrists, the Eyes, the penultimate Alpha Male, the unhappiness
Him today .
It has often been said to me, why write about the past. It's over.
I began writing about the past with a funny story, as it was truly over, and my brother told me to.
He said to write about my ex husband, not just to help others, and to help me, but to tell the stories as they were truly funny.
My ex husband was a rich character to write about. A larger than life man, who ate life up and spat it out.
Outrageous ! A take no prisoners type of man.
And in the beginning like any young couple we had loved, lived, had kids and lived as man and wife for twenty years. Both of us believed in marriage and kids. We had good times and bad times, just like everyone.
But.....
I had kept silent about his violence for years, so had his girls.
Then our youngest daughter died, aged 12 in 1989, and the whole game, the nasty addictive game, called domestic violence was over. I hated him and had for a long time. But kept going for my children. Locked together, all of us, in a world of escalating violence, hatred and games.
I take full responsibility for my cowardice at not grabbing the girls and leaving, abandoning the marriage and staying left.
I blamed myself for years after Lauren died, the if only's plagued me, guilt brought me down, and just like the grief counsellor s had said.
I would find a reason for her living and a reason for her dying.
I did.
The Counsellors, two excellent people, a man and woman counselled me to leave my husband after Lauren died, in a senseless drowning accident. They only met him once and said he had anger issues. They begged him to return for counselling. But he thought he was better than that, smarter,
I hated the thought of divorce. It meant failure,to me, another one. But divorced we were.
The day I had asked him to leave I literally didnt know how I was going to exist without him.
The surprising thing was that I never missed him. Not once. And my second oldest daughter emboldened by my actions took him to court for assault and won. He tried to plead not guilty and the Police, who insisted we fly down from Queensland for the trial, backed her all the way.
He eventually pleaded guilty to avoid a jail term and my daughter received Criminal Compensation of $12,000. A lot of money in the early nineties.
He's in a much better place now anyway. I am fairly sure he won't have had any sort of counselling. His nature would not allow it. But I forgave him years ago as he knows. But I don't forget, I can't afford to
forget.
We, two, will be forever locked in that old struggle and it's not something I want in my life.
He now and will forever be, a good source for writing, the Father to my children, who he loves and chooses not to see two of them. That's him.
He is the original Scorpion in the fable of The Scorpion and the Frog.
He has Grand kids he never sees too but that's his loss as they are seriously lovely and great kids.
He loved me but it was a possessive love, a jealous love. He berated my family, his family for hours, banging the table, breaking things, lecturing without let up for hours. No one was good enough, he was never happy, I knew it was something inside him in his past. But in the end I thought of myself first and told him two words. The most important of my life.
"Get out"
People don't understand what it's like to be trapped in that situation. All I can say is that walk a mile in my shoes back then and you would have understood. I married at 17, a child, I never wanted to marry but was pregnant. Society conventions then were to marry. My Mum, his Mum insisted we get married and I didn't want to. It was a temporary solution to a bigger than life problem.
If I had had the baby out of wedlock, blah blah.
In hindsight I should have, my parents would have helped me. But then I wouldn't have had my other
girls and the one thing I brought out of the ugly mess of a marriage was them. I will never regret them.
I am older now and hopefully wiser. And I view that time now with nothing but kindness. I am an ex now and I believe ex is ex. Not something to dwell on, just to learn from, and move on.
I began dating someone new within months of being separated. Lucky for me he was a great guy. Loving, affectionate, funny, half Italian, also bold but not outrageous. Sadly a heavy drinker and as a rebound relationship, doomed to fail.
I met him at work, a new part time job away from the business my ex and I had run. Strangely I had a Boss with a crush on me and I went out with one of the workers, a big no no. But it just happened. He was punished for taking me out, his prestige car was acided, he was threatened by my ex husband and his son was threatened, his house broken into. But we still kept going out.
It didnt work out but I met up with him ten years later and he was still a great guy.
By then I had met an impish Irish man, a legendary drunk. A Brendan Behan of drunks, I was 42 and he was 30. Even though a drunk he was also intelligent, funny and loving. He put back everything that my ex had taken, my self esteem, my sex, my affection, my sense of the ridiculous.
We parted after ten years together and he is now married, something he said he would never do, and doing really well, I believe. He was my best friend and will always be in my heart in one way or another. He was also outrageous in so many ways when drunk. I found it strange to be attracted to drunks when my parents were both tee totallers. Maybe rebellion on my part, teenage rebellion I had not lived out, as I married so young.
They say in our relationships we are truly revealed. I would have happily lived forever with Nifty Nev if he had not drank. But the reality is that he did and in the end we parted amicably. I don't feel a need to be a part of his life, however, he's happy and alive and that's all I need to know.
I live a lovely life these days. Surrounded by family, I write ( My passion ) for a living, I volunteer one day a week for the Salvation Army. I like to give back. I am a good friend, a good Mum, grandma, great Grandma and love helping others reach their potential.
I have so much more I want to do, the future is exciting.
I am a completely different person than the one I was when I was married. I don't think I like the person I was then. Lauren died and I changed forever. I became stronger, raised my grieving girls entirely on my own, helped raise my new born Grandson and in the doing so had the chance to Mother again, my mist favourite job in the world and the most worthwhile.
I have mother
Lauren and Debbie, Bali 1989, five months before Lauren died.
Me today
Him today .
It has often been said to me, why write about the past. It's over.
I began writing about the past with a funny story, as it was truly over, and my brother told me to.
He said to write about my ex husband, not just to help others, and to help me, but to tell the stories as they were truly funny.
My ex husband was a rich character to write about. A larger than life man, who ate life up and spat it out.
Outrageous ! A take no prisoners type of man.
And in the beginning like any young couple we had loved, lived, had kids and lived as man and wife for twenty years. Both of us believed in marriage and kids. We had good times and bad times, just like everyone.
But.....
I had kept silent about his violence for years, so had his girls.
Then our youngest daughter died, aged 12 in 1989, and the whole game, the nasty addictive game, called domestic violence was over. I hated him and had for a long time. But kept going for my children. Locked together, all of us, in a world of escalating violence, hatred and games.
I take full responsibility for my cowardice at not grabbing the girls and leaving, abandoning the marriage and staying left.
I blamed myself for years after Lauren died, the if only's plagued me, guilt brought me down, and just like the grief counsellor s had said.
I would find a reason for her living and a reason for her dying.
I did.
The Counsellors, two excellent people, a man and woman counselled me to leave my husband after Lauren died, in a senseless drowning accident. They only met him once and said he had anger issues. They begged him to return for counselling. But he thought he was better than that, smarter,
I hated the thought of divorce. It meant failure,to me, another one. But divorced we were.
The day I had asked him to leave I literally didnt know how I was going to exist without him.
The surprising thing was that I never missed him. Not once. And my second oldest daughter emboldened by my actions took him to court for assault and won. He tried to plead not guilty and the Police, who insisted we fly down from Queensland for the trial, backed her all the way.
He eventually pleaded guilty to avoid a jail term and my daughter received Criminal Compensation of $12,000. A lot of money in the early nineties.
He's in a much better place now anyway. I am fairly sure he won't have had any sort of counselling. His nature would not allow it. But I forgave him years ago as he knows. But I don't forget, I can't afford to
forget.
We, two, will be forever locked in that old struggle and it's not something I want in my life.
He now and will forever be, a good source for writing, the Father to my children, who he loves and chooses not to see two of them. That's him.
He is the original Scorpion in the fable of The Scorpion and the Frog.
He has Grand kids he never sees too but that's his loss as they are seriously lovely and great kids.
He loved me but it was a possessive love, a jealous love. He berated my family, his family for hours, banging the table, breaking things, lecturing without let up for hours. No one was good enough, he was never happy, I knew it was something inside him in his past. But in the end I thought of myself first and told him two words. The most important of my life.
"Get out"
People don't understand what it's like to be trapped in that situation. All I can say is that walk a mile in my shoes back then and you would have understood. I married at 17, a child, I never wanted to marry but was pregnant. Society conventions then were to marry. My Mum, his Mum insisted we get married and I didn't want to. It was a temporary solution to a bigger than life problem.
If I had had the baby out of wedlock, blah blah.
In hindsight I should have, my parents would have helped me. But then I wouldn't have had my other
girls and the one thing I brought out of the ugly mess of a marriage was them. I will never regret them.
I am older now and hopefully wiser. And I view that time now with nothing but kindness. I am an ex now and I believe ex is ex. Not something to dwell on, just to learn from, and move on.
I began dating someone new within months of being separated. Lucky for me he was a great guy. Loving, affectionate, funny, half Italian, also bold but not outrageous. Sadly a heavy drinker and as a rebound relationship, doomed to fail.
I met him at work, a new part time job away from the business my ex and I had run. Strangely I had a Boss with a crush on me and I went out with one of the workers, a big no no. But it just happened. He was punished for taking me out, his prestige car was acided, he was threatened by my ex husband and his son was threatened, his house broken into. But we still kept going out.
It didnt work out but I met up with him ten years later and he was still a great guy.
By then I had met an impish Irish man, a legendary drunk. A Brendan Behan of drunks, I was 42 and he was 30. Even though a drunk he was also intelligent, funny and loving. He put back everything that my ex had taken, my self esteem, my sex, my affection, my sense of the ridiculous.
We parted after ten years together and he is now married, something he said he would never do, and doing really well, I believe. He was my best friend and will always be in my heart in one way or another. He was also outrageous in so many ways when drunk. I found it strange to be attracted to drunks when my parents were both tee totallers. Maybe rebellion on my part, teenage rebellion I had not lived out, as I married so young.
They say in our relationships we are truly revealed. I would have happily lived forever with Nifty Nev if he had not drank. But the reality is that he did and in the end we parted amicably. I don't feel a need to be a part of his life, however, he's happy and alive and that's all I need to know.
I live a lovely life these days. Surrounded by family, I write ( My passion ) for a living, I volunteer one day a week for the Salvation Army. I like to give back. I am a good friend, a good Mum, grandma, great Grandma and love helping others reach their potential.
I have so much more I want to do, the future is exciting.
I am a completely different person than the one I was when I was married. I don't think I like the person I was then. Lauren died and I changed forever. I became stronger, raised my grieving girls entirely on my own, helped raise my new born Grandson and in the doing so had the chance to Mother again, my mist favourite job in the world and the most worthwhile.
I have mother
