Parenting Tips By Crazy Bob 3
Without Prejudice
My stories. I don't write them to be famous, I don't write them just for money, although money is very nice. And I know I now deserve the finer things in life as much as anyone else does. I'm no longer neurotic about it. But I write because I have to. I have to be able to say that if there is any woman that is going through or has gone through what I have gone through that there is hope. I just want to reach one or more and say that.
You can't love someone you fear.
That name calling and violence, verbal or physical is W.R.O.N.G.
Don't be fooled by what seems like avid devotion. Don't be fooled by the fact that you are somehow So Special, because you are not that special. Not in that way. All you are is a pawn in a game with no rules. That you are acting in a play that is not your play, it belongs to someone else. And that you have given up your power to someone else. Someone who doesn't deserve it.
The deal breakers are, Violence, verbal or physical. Verbal in a way is worse but both are bad. Emotional as well, behaviours like silence, not talking as punishment for imagined misdemeanours. My ex husband once didn't talk to me for a week as I had neglected to put soap in the en suite and I should have KNOWN that.
Other deal breakers, Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, child abuse, controlling ways, Not liking your friends and family. Pushing you away from them as they are probably better judges of his character than you.
Infidelity, telling you about other women they can have or have had. That's to make you insecure and therefore more vulnerable. They will always talk of "others" in a good light and you in a bad way. Don't be fooled by that. Let the other women have them, they will soon tire of what you have tired of and that is no threat.
Unemployment. Men need to work, it's part of who they are and if he is not working he will not be liking himself and he will take it out on you. They are the main deal breakers and if you are in any of those situations then you are in trouble and need help. Women are nurturing creatures and often take on Men who need to sort themselves out, not sort out you. Believe me, there is nothing wrong with you, but plenty wrong with him.
I write this from experience. I was no better than you. I was a smart, well educated young girl at 16 but still I fell into the trap of making someone else bigger than myself. A marriage, a partnership is a meeting of two people, not one. You have as much right to be here as he does. And you are not bullying him, not controlling him.
I am talking in hind sight, of course. But I knew all along in my deepest thought I was helping him to be an abuser. Just by being there. I too had much invested in my life. Kids, money, time. But once I had counselling, good counselling on my own, I was no longer scared of him. he was a pathetic violent bully and that is all he was. I didn't miss him for even one second after I asked him to leave.
And the part of him that was charismatic and charming left me cold. He wasn't either. Behind closed doors, he was neither charming, loving or kind. And people only saw the "good side", not the horrors we had to put up with. They will work on getting people to "side" with them, and if you are already insecure, that will work. Don't let it. be true to yourself. Always.
If you are in an uncertain relationship, marriage, start today to make an escape plan. If you have asked for help, suggested counselling and he won't go. Go yourself. It will change your life. Counselling is available for free, find it, listen to what they are saying and keep your own counsel. Because others will see the signs you have learned to ignore.
Don't say its about the kids, kids adapt and better to "Come from a broken home, than to live in one ".
Don't believe you can't get someone else. You can.
Don't believe you have no money without him around. You can and will survive.
My Dad, a very wise and kind man, always said,
"Whatever you have had in life, you will get again" Once you leave.
But first and foremost you have to make up your mind. Don't be lazy about it. It will take work and you have learned to be "Helpless" It's a learned "Helplessness" And you can't wallow. Going back because you can't cope with reality is going to be worse.
Take it one day at a time. just one day. If you get through the first day, you've won, now get through the second and so on.
Expect that there will be problems, that's life, real life, not the play you have been acting in up to now.
Expect your children to not be happy. No matter what the kids won't be happy but they have to fall in line, it's all about you from now on.
Surround yourself with supportive, optimistic people.
Be safe. If you are not safe in the house, let him have it and move out and on. If he's violent take out an AVO.
Trust me if you call the cops a few times and there is a threat of jail. amazingly, they stop. They don't want jail. It puts a lid on it and you need to do it. Just pick up the phone and dial. Don't worry, they will come and they hate bullies so keep calling, even if he says it won't make a difference, it will.
Don't get disheartened. There will come a day when you are free, you are yourself, you are safe and you are happy. There will be other loves. there will be money and good times. And the best part is that you will be yourself. Your true self. Not a puppet on a string. Be safe, be strong and be yourself. Tell yourself that every day.
Raise your standards. You are wonderful and brave and you have a right to be here.
Love Janette
My stories. I don't write them to be famous, I don't write them just for money, although money is very nice. And I know I now deserve the finer things in life as much as anyone else does. I'm no longer neurotic about it. But I write because I have to. I have to be able to say that if there is any woman that is going through or has gone through what I have gone through that there is hope. I just want to reach one or more and say that.
You can't love someone you fear.
That name calling and violence, verbal or physical is W.R.O.N.G.
Don't be fooled by what seems like avid devotion. Don't be fooled by the fact that you are somehow So Special, because you are not that special. Not in that way. All you are is a pawn in a game with no rules. That you are acting in a play that is not your play, it belongs to someone else. And that you have given up your power to someone else. Someone who doesn't deserve it.
The deal breakers are, Violence, verbal or physical. Verbal in a way is worse but both are bad. Emotional as well, behaviours like silence, not talking as punishment for imagined misdemeanours. My ex husband once didn't talk to me for a week as I had neglected to put soap in the en suite and I should have KNOWN that.
Other deal breakers, Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, child abuse, controlling ways, Not liking your friends and family. Pushing you away from them as they are probably better judges of his character than you.
Infidelity, telling you about other women they can have or have had. That's to make you insecure and therefore more vulnerable. They will always talk of "others" in a good light and you in a bad way. Don't be fooled by that. Let the other women have them, they will soon tire of what you have tired of and that is no threat.
Unemployment. Men need to work, it's part of who they are and if he is not working he will not be liking himself and he will take it out on you. They are the main deal breakers and if you are in any of those situations then you are in trouble and need help. Women are nurturing creatures and often take on Men who need to sort themselves out, not sort out you. Believe me, there is nothing wrong with you, but plenty wrong with him.
I write this from experience. I was no better than you. I was a smart, well educated young girl at 16 but still I fell into the trap of making someone else bigger than myself. A marriage, a partnership is a meeting of two people, not one. You have as much right to be here as he does. And you are not bullying him, not controlling him.
I am talking in hind sight, of course. But I knew all along in my deepest thought I was helping him to be an abuser. Just by being there. I too had much invested in my life. Kids, money, time. But once I had counselling, good counselling on my own, I was no longer scared of him. he was a pathetic violent bully and that is all he was. I didn't miss him for even one second after I asked him to leave.
And the part of him that was charismatic and charming left me cold. He wasn't either. Behind closed doors, he was neither charming, loving or kind. And people only saw the "good side", not the horrors we had to put up with. They will work on getting people to "side" with them, and if you are already insecure, that will work. Don't let it. be true to yourself. Always.
If you are in an uncertain relationship, marriage, start today to make an escape plan. If you have asked for help, suggested counselling and he won't go. Go yourself. It will change your life. Counselling is available for free, find it, listen to what they are saying and keep your own counsel. Because others will see the signs you have learned to ignore.
Don't say its about the kids, kids adapt and better to "Come from a broken home, than to live in one ".
Don't believe you can't get someone else. You can.
Don't believe you have no money without him around. You can and will survive.
My Dad, a very wise and kind man, always said,
"Whatever you have had in life, you will get again" Once you leave.
But first and foremost you have to make up your mind. Don't be lazy about it. It will take work and you have learned to be "Helpless" It's a learned "Helplessness" And you can't wallow. Going back because you can't cope with reality is going to be worse.
Take it one day at a time. just one day. If you get through the first day, you've won, now get through the second and so on.
Expect that there will be problems, that's life, real life, not the play you have been acting in up to now.
Expect your children to not be happy. No matter what the kids won't be happy but they have to fall in line, it's all about you from now on.
Surround yourself with supportive, optimistic people.
Be safe. If you are not safe in the house, let him have it and move out and on. If he's violent take out an AVO.
Trust me if you call the cops a few times and there is a threat of jail. amazingly, they stop. They don't want jail. It puts a lid on it and you need to do it. Just pick up the phone and dial. Don't worry, they will come and they hate bullies so keep calling, even if he says it won't make a difference, it will.
Don't get disheartened. There will come a day when you are free, you are yourself, you are safe and you are happy. There will be other loves. there will be money and good times. And the best part is that you will be yourself. Your true self. Not a puppet on a string. Be safe, be strong and be yourself. Tell yourself that every day.
Raise your standards. You are wonderful and brave and you have a right to be here.
Love Janette
