The Beginning
Without Prejudice
I sat out in the watery sun, just a patch near the window, sunglasses on, no thoughts, just staring down at the pitted concrete near the sliding door. The sliding door that Yvette had broken once in fury and rage. I knew that day I was going to cop it bad, real bad. I had tried to brace myself for it, but didn’t manage, didn’t quite manage, to hold back his rage and ire. His was worse than hers, as she was just a child and he was a 15 stone man.
“Yoo Hoo, it’s only me” came a voice at the gate. I stood up stiffly, not wanting to let her in but knew she had seen me come home from dropping the kids off. At school. I was weary, bone tired but went to the gate mentally adjusting my face to a smile of greeting. Robyn stood at the gate and I let her in, one leg holding back Grunt and Kellie as they rushed to greet her..
We sat together in the sun on the old wooden outdoor setting, marked with bite marks from Grunt when he was a pup. Grunt, the fat bull terrier lay panting at our feet as we talked. I hoped she wouldn’t notice but she did.
“Why are you wearing sunnies ?”, she asked as I kept my face averted from hers.
“I have a bad case of sinus,” I replied and stared at her, the lie coming easily to my lips. It was if I was daring her to contradict me. In a way I hoped she would ferret out the truth.
The girls called her Mrs Mangle, as she was a nosy neighbour and outspoken, but I knew her heart was in the right place. She didn’t notice and kept on chatting, my glib answer, satisfying her searching eyes. People see what you want them to see and I didn’t really want her to see. I say I did but I knew if she knew the truth I would have to do something, say something and I couldn’t, not then.
She left after we had gone inside and had a cup of tea. I managed to shower and dress but knew that I wouldn’t be going anywhere that day. Not out in to the world, that day.. I had to wear my glasses to drive anywhere and therefore people would see the bruising on my face, see my blackened eyes.
The blow had hit me across the bridge of my nose and hurt as I covered my face in make up. He was usually so keen to not let bruising show. No one could know, not even the kids. I kept it from everyone, it was our dirty little secret, our elephant in the lounge room.
Everything had to be normal, if I looked wept up it would turn him on in some foul way and he would start again, so I put tea bags on my eyes and waited.
“How had I come to this place ?”
I knew it was my fault. I was dumb and slow and not “Normal”. I wouldn’t be able to cope without him, he had told me and maybe, the next time, he wouldn’t hit me or kick me or try to strangle me with his bare hands. Maybe I would get strong, something would happen that would make me strong and not timid. Maybe I would lose my temper for once and take it out on him. Maybe.
How had it come to this and where had I come from to get to here, to realise that I have to go back to the beginning. Way back.
I sat out in the watery sun, just a patch near the window, sunglasses on, no thoughts, just staring down at the pitted concrete near the sliding door. The sliding door that Yvette had broken once in fury and rage. I knew that day I was going to cop it bad, real bad. I had tried to brace myself for it, but didn’t manage, didn’t quite manage, to hold back his rage and ire. His was worse than hers, as she was just a child and he was a 15 stone man.
“Yoo Hoo, it’s only me” came a voice at the gate. I stood up stiffly, not wanting to let her in but knew she had seen me come home from dropping the kids off. At school. I was weary, bone tired but went to the gate mentally adjusting my face to a smile of greeting. Robyn stood at the gate and I let her in, one leg holding back Grunt and Kellie as they rushed to greet her..
We sat together in the sun on the old wooden outdoor setting, marked with bite marks from Grunt when he was a pup. Grunt, the fat bull terrier lay panting at our feet as we talked. I hoped she wouldn’t notice but she did.
“Why are you wearing sunnies ?”, she asked as I kept my face averted from hers.
“I have a bad case of sinus,” I replied and stared at her, the lie coming easily to my lips. It was if I was daring her to contradict me. In a way I hoped she would ferret out the truth.
The girls called her Mrs Mangle, as she was a nosy neighbour and outspoken, but I knew her heart was in the right place. She didn’t notice and kept on chatting, my glib answer, satisfying her searching eyes. People see what you want them to see and I didn’t really want her to see. I say I did but I knew if she knew the truth I would have to do something, say something and I couldn’t, not then.
She left after we had gone inside and had a cup of tea. I managed to shower and dress but knew that I wouldn’t be going anywhere that day. Not out in to the world, that day.. I had to wear my glasses to drive anywhere and therefore people would see the bruising on my face, see my blackened eyes.
The blow had hit me across the bridge of my nose and hurt as I covered my face in make up. He was usually so keen to not let bruising show. No one could know, not even the kids. I kept it from everyone, it was our dirty little secret, our elephant in the lounge room.
Everything had to be normal, if I looked wept up it would turn him on in some foul way and he would start again, so I put tea bags on my eyes and waited.
“How had I come to this place ?”
I knew it was my fault. I was dumb and slow and not “Normal”. I wouldn’t be able to cope without him, he had told me and maybe, the next time, he wouldn’t hit me or kick me or try to strangle me with his bare hands. Maybe I would get strong, something would happen that would make me strong and not timid. Maybe I would lose my temper for once and take it out on him. Maybe.
How had it come to this and where had I come from to get to here, to realise that I have to go back to the beginning. Way back.
