Learned Helplessness
Without Prejudice
It is hard to understand the words learned helplessness, but it exists. I've had it and I know a lot of other people have had it was well, especially women. The problem begins insidiously, it doesn't happen over night. It comes from violence usually. And when you never know from where the violence is coming you go into a learned helplessness mode that neither you or others can understand.
You forget the fact that you can change an outcome, you forget the fact that you have the power to change yourself. You forget what positive outcomes you have had in the past and you simply give up trying. Women that are in domestic violence situations are often the victims of learned helplessness. They may have been subjected to years of mental, physical and emotional abuse. And even when they are given a means of escape their learned helplessness will see them fail, time and time again.
Working with the woman and empowering her seems to work. She needs to feel safe, first. She needs to know her kids if she has them are safe. And then she needs to know she is a worthwhile person and not whatever she has been deemed by someone else. She needs to be back in control of her life and feel once again worthy of happiness and security and all the good things that life has to offer.
Good social workers and counsellors can help. So can other people who will support the woman in a whole new way of life. She or he has to forget what has gone before and get on with a whole new future. It takes work, hard work but it can be done. There are so many positives and few negatives but people fear change more than anything else in the world. Sometimes they are comfortable just "putting up" with a situation rather than changing it.
They fear. Maybe they are shy, too sensitive, fear confrontation or all of the above. But I am here to tell you it can be done and how "learned helplessness" can be overcome and quite quickly.
First decide what it is that you want. Write it down and add a list of small steps as to how you can get there. Seek a good counsellor or friend you can trust with your life. As it is "Your Life" and maybe your kids lives. Move if you have to. Take only the clothes on your back. As my good old Dad said,
"Everything that you have had before, you can get again". Don't worry about the beds, fridge, T.V, your fabulous lifestyle or anything else. First and foremost you have to fell safe. Safe from harm. If the violence was physical your safety is paramount.
If it is verbal or emotional it is still abuse and that says more about the person saying it than it does about you. Be kind to yourself as it is of the utmost importance that you no longer listen to negativity and listen to only positives. Dump your old friends if they are in agreement with your ex. Those people only see what you and him present to the world, they see nothing of what goes on behind closed doors.
Don't worry about it if you have put up with it for years. You have to understand it is not your fault. people will say and expect them to,
"Well, why did you put up with it?"
That's negative thinking and will drag you backwards.And will send you crazy, anyway.
Don't try and wait for the person to change, they won't not without immense help and even then only if they see a need to change. While you are putting up with it there is no reason to change. Don't believe anything you have been told. Just step out the door, metaphorically. the first step over the thresh hold is the hardest. It takes massive effort but do it, just do it. You won't regret it. Believe me there is a better life out there than the one you have now.
Because the life you have now, is "your life". It will not change unless you do. Don't sit around waiting for a reason to show up. It won't. you have to do the work and make the change. It might be uncomfortable for a while but you will be better, your life will be better. And you will respect yourself more.
I don't know how many times I have heard the term,
"But he is great in bed"
So are others and they are not going to be abusing you.
Abuse is abuse, determine to not allow abuse in your life anymore. If you think you are keeping it hidden from your kids, you are not. better that the kids come from a broken home, than live in one. Kids will survive anyway, they have an innate ability to survive and go on, whereas your life is just wasting away.
I'll ask you a question,
"How long do you think you have to live ?"
Life is really NOT a dress rehearsal. I lost a brother at 5, a Mother at 23 and a daughter at 37. The dead don't come back. So this is your shot at life, there is no Utopia at the end of a rainbow. This is it. Do you want to spend it miserable? Unhappy? Not respecting yourself ?
No, of course you don't. I am no amateur psychologist. I can only say what I did with my life. I had a very violent husband and he was also emotionally abusive and verbally abusive. I was sacred of him. My parents had not wanted me to marry him and I did. I was pregnant at 17, he was my first boyfriend. I had no concept of violence perpetrated by Men.
I had a happy childhood surrounded by sibling and good parents. They had lost a child and were so very protective of us. Maybe too protective. Maybe I was too shy, didn't speak up as I should have. But it took my youngest daughter to die to make the final break between him and I. I had left him many times and each time felt like I had to go back.
But when she died I had counselling and told the counsellors at long last what he was really like. 5 months later I had the strength to ask him to leave. I didn't miss him for a nano second and never will. he is what he is. A bully with a bad temper and a cruel streak. He mocked others, he still does. But I survived him and you can too. All you need to do is think you are worth it and all else will fall into place.
I had no money, I had no life outside of him. I had no friends that were there to support me. My girls thought I was mad as we had a wealthy rich lifestyle. but deep underneath I despised him. I used to go to bed with my fists clenched for years. I was aware of what he could do to me. I was aware of my failures at trying to leave before. That weakened my resolve. But in the end I jumped for "MY life" not his. You can too.
Love Janette
It is hard to understand the words learned helplessness, but it exists. I've had it and I know a lot of other people have had it was well, especially women. The problem begins insidiously, it doesn't happen over night. It comes from violence usually. And when you never know from where the violence is coming you go into a learned helplessness mode that neither you or others can understand.
You forget the fact that you can change an outcome, you forget the fact that you have the power to change yourself. You forget what positive outcomes you have had in the past and you simply give up trying. Women that are in domestic violence situations are often the victims of learned helplessness. They may have been subjected to years of mental, physical and emotional abuse. And even when they are given a means of escape their learned helplessness will see them fail, time and time again.
Working with the woman and empowering her seems to work. She needs to feel safe, first. She needs to know her kids if she has them are safe. And then she needs to know she is a worthwhile person and not whatever she has been deemed by someone else. She needs to be back in control of her life and feel once again worthy of happiness and security and all the good things that life has to offer.
Good social workers and counsellors can help. So can other people who will support the woman in a whole new way of life. She or he has to forget what has gone before and get on with a whole new future. It takes work, hard work but it can be done. There are so many positives and few negatives but people fear change more than anything else in the world. Sometimes they are comfortable just "putting up" with a situation rather than changing it.
They fear. Maybe they are shy, too sensitive, fear confrontation or all of the above. But I am here to tell you it can be done and how "learned helplessness" can be overcome and quite quickly.
First decide what it is that you want. Write it down and add a list of small steps as to how you can get there. Seek a good counsellor or friend you can trust with your life. As it is "Your Life" and maybe your kids lives. Move if you have to. Take only the clothes on your back. As my good old Dad said,
"Everything that you have had before, you can get again". Don't worry about the beds, fridge, T.V, your fabulous lifestyle or anything else. First and foremost you have to fell safe. Safe from harm. If the violence was physical your safety is paramount.
If it is verbal or emotional it is still abuse and that says more about the person saying it than it does about you. Be kind to yourself as it is of the utmost importance that you no longer listen to negativity and listen to only positives. Dump your old friends if they are in agreement with your ex. Those people only see what you and him present to the world, they see nothing of what goes on behind closed doors.
Don't worry about it if you have put up with it for years. You have to understand it is not your fault. people will say and expect them to,
"Well, why did you put up with it?"
That's negative thinking and will drag you backwards.And will send you crazy, anyway.
Don't try and wait for the person to change, they won't not without immense help and even then only if they see a need to change. While you are putting up with it there is no reason to change. Don't believe anything you have been told. Just step out the door, metaphorically. the first step over the thresh hold is the hardest. It takes massive effort but do it, just do it. You won't regret it. Believe me there is a better life out there than the one you have now.
Because the life you have now, is "your life". It will not change unless you do. Don't sit around waiting for a reason to show up. It won't. you have to do the work and make the change. It might be uncomfortable for a while but you will be better, your life will be better. And you will respect yourself more.
I don't know how many times I have heard the term,
"But he is great in bed"
So are others and they are not going to be abusing you.
Abuse is abuse, determine to not allow abuse in your life anymore. If you think you are keeping it hidden from your kids, you are not. better that the kids come from a broken home, than live in one. Kids will survive anyway, they have an innate ability to survive and go on, whereas your life is just wasting away.
I'll ask you a question,
"How long do you think you have to live ?"
Life is really NOT a dress rehearsal. I lost a brother at 5, a Mother at 23 and a daughter at 37. The dead don't come back. So this is your shot at life, there is no Utopia at the end of a rainbow. This is it. Do you want to spend it miserable? Unhappy? Not respecting yourself ?
No, of course you don't. I am no amateur psychologist. I can only say what I did with my life. I had a very violent husband and he was also emotionally abusive and verbally abusive. I was sacred of him. My parents had not wanted me to marry him and I did. I was pregnant at 17, he was my first boyfriend. I had no concept of violence perpetrated by Men.
I had a happy childhood surrounded by sibling and good parents. They had lost a child and were so very protective of us. Maybe too protective. Maybe I was too shy, didn't speak up as I should have. But it took my youngest daughter to die to make the final break between him and I. I had left him many times and each time felt like I had to go back.
But when she died I had counselling and told the counsellors at long last what he was really like. 5 months later I had the strength to ask him to leave. I didn't miss him for a nano second and never will. he is what he is. A bully with a bad temper and a cruel streak. He mocked others, he still does. But I survived him and you can too. All you need to do is think you are worth it and all else will fall into place.
I had no money, I had no life outside of him. I had no friends that were there to support me. My girls thought I was mad as we had a wealthy rich lifestyle. but deep underneath I despised him. I used to go to bed with my fists clenched for years. I was aware of what he could do to me. I was aware of my failures at trying to leave before. That weakened my resolve. But in the end I jumped for "MY life" not his. You can too.
Love Janette
