Winter Depression
Without Prejudice
No one understands it and yet I can't stop it. I saw an article the other day about how anti depressants alone don't work on it. They are doing a study at the moment about a "top Up" pill for those that suffer it. In the Summer I am fine, fine but come Winter I am weepy and depressed. I am not myself. I am not sure it's just the grey skies.
I lost a child. There is no coming back from that and although I try to honour her memory every day, sometimes it's all too hard and I just want to wallow in self pity and depression. Life is full of hills and valleys, moods can change in an instant and at times I feel like I am an insect on a pin. Twirling endlessly in a half life of pain and sorrow and other times I am so happy to be alive it is blinding.
I love my children and yet at times I hate the responsibility. Even though they are grown now and in their 30's and 40's I still feel like I have to "Mother" them. I guess that feeling will never leave me as I am a responsible parent and have had to be Mother and Father to them for almost 23 years. They are all well and happy and living their lives just as they should. I demand a lot of them but no where as much as I demand of myself.
I am a hard task Master. I feared that another would die or be injured. I am one of the people that has been through the worst of times and yet I am still here. And for a long time I wondered why. I often wonder as to why I was left and she was gone. She who had so much to offer the world in love and innocence and beauty. Lauren hated no one, ever. I never saw her lose her temper. She was not a Saint and I have no intention to canonise her. She was is and will always be a as we remember her. A human girl given to frailties as is every human.
No one understands it and yet I can't stop it. I saw an article the other day about how anti depressants alone don't work on it. They are doing a study at the moment about a "top Up" pill for those that suffer it. In the Summer I am fine, fine but come Winter I am weepy and depressed. I am not myself. I am not sure it's just the grey skies.
I lost a child. There is no coming back from that and although I try to honour her memory every day, sometimes it's all too hard and I just want to wallow in self pity and depression. Life is full of hills and valleys, moods can change in an instant and at times I feel like I am an insect on a pin. Twirling endlessly in a half life of pain and sorrow and other times I am so happy to be alive it is blinding.
I love my children and yet at times I hate the responsibility. Even though they are grown now and in their 30's and 40's I still feel like I have to "Mother" them. I guess that feeling will never leave me as I am a responsible parent and have had to be Mother and Father to them for almost 23 years. They are all well and happy and living their lives just as they should. I demand a lot of them but no where as much as I demand of myself.
I am a hard task Master. I feared that another would die or be injured. I am one of the people that has been through the worst of times and yet I am still here. And for a long time I wondered why. I often wonder as to why I was left and she was gone. She who had so much to offer the world in love and innocence and beauty. Lauren hated no one, ever. I never saw her lose her temper. She was not a Saint and I have no intention to canonise her. She was is and will always be a as we remember her. A human girl given to frailties as is every human.
