Mothers Day 2012
Without Prejudice
Saturday 12th May was my older sisters birthday. I rang her early and forgot to wish her Happy Birthday and had to ring her back. She was so very happy after doing her own very special journey at Camp Eden, she sounded fantastic. I was thrilled beyond measure as she said she had her "thunder" back and I knew exactly what she meant. She had time to herself, time to think without distraction.
Women give so much to their families and friends, never thinking what they themselves need in a demented act of giving and giving and then find themselves without their own happiness and sometimes health. I realise now how selfless we can be and can almost impale ourselves on the lance of martyrdom. We do it to be "nice", to be helpful, to be kind. Our strong nurturing insticts coming to the fore and I do it too.
Women tend to want to make thing better. But not looking after oneself is neurotic and feeble. Because if we don't look after ourselves, who is going to ? My grown family have their own happy lives. And they want Mum to be happy. So after I had a delightful conversation with my older sister I went shopping with my youmger one and we had a ball. Choosing her Mother In Law a present and buying gifts for Jackies birthday.
I didn't realise that being away from home would hit me so hard. I didn't realise the packed shops and mad scramble for Mothers Day shopping would eventually depress me once I was home and before I knew it the "monster: of grief would come to claim me omce more. No sooner was I home from shopping than I burst into tears and cried for a good hour, Helen my baby Sis doing all the right things and comforting me.
I cried and cried overwhelmed by a feeling of intense sorrow and fear. I cried for my babies who I wasn't with and for my baby girl who always brought me flowers and would no longer be there for me to thank. I cried for her babies that would never be born. Cried I would never see her married, share in her joys of love found and enjoyed.I am always so very grateful to my Sisters who understand and my remaining girls, who are now Mothers themselves. They all know that Mothers Day will be a sad day for me and a beautiful day as well.
My little Sister did all the right things and hugged me and listened to my sorrow and distress and let me cry it all out and then I felt better. I hadn't realised how much it would affect me, but after an hour or so I felt better and no longer wanted to wallow in self pity and angst. I knew things could not be changed but that doesn't mean I forget. I can never forget and I said in my grief could modern medicine not come up with something that could cut out the part that makes me remember.
Then as I calmed I realised I didn't want to forget. That in the remembering there was beauty, truth and nobility. And that there were millions of parents all over the world that were going through what I was going through and I felt comforted by that. There are people out there that very much understand and deal with their loss in different ways. And the only way to make sense of it was to keep moving forward. That somehow in some way the remembering of a lost child and honouring that memory will help to make the world a better place.
So we wished each other Happy Mothers Day and my girls sent messages of love and support as they enjoyed their Mothers Day and thought of me.
It's always worse before the day as are all the anniversaries. Its always the lead up, not the day. I guess people who have not lost a child or a Mother may understand or they might not. They might think after 22 years you somehow forget or that time will heal. It doesn't. It gets worse but it becomes more personal. I was glad my younger sister was there to catch me and hold me as I fell apart and didn't judge me or try to make me feel better. It goes without saying that I adore my other girls and it is no reflection on them or their children that I grieve. It just is what it is, it has to be dealt with and then within hours I am OK again.
We had a ball on the day and Sammi, my sisters youngest child picked flowers from the garden and that is exactly what my baby girl would have done and we were happy. We threaded flowers in our hair and behind our ears like tahitian princesses and did no work and instead toasted ourselves in the hot sun. We are getting ready for my brothers engagement party and a 50th Birthday the following week and spent "girly" time trying on dresses and shoes and bangles and beads.
We decided on what we are wearing deifintely and will probably only change our minds ten times before next Saturday but that's OK as we are women and it's a womans perogative to change her mind. And Often. I guess that's one thing men don't understand about us as we are more ruled by emotion and hormones. Men are not the same in that way.
We girls are heading off to my older brothers place and I have packed my suitcase and it's stuffed full, twice as heavy as when I came. I say a sad farewell to Becahmere and we head off to Redcliife and my older brothers house there My older by 19 months brother I ran in faded red speedos with when I was little. His daring and my brains making for a good match and we still are. He now a confirmed bachelor and me a confirmed single woman. We watch the series of Game Of Thrones which he loves and it's good if not a bit gory and I hide under my cardigan until the bad bits are over.
Last time I was here we watched Boardwalk Empire together but he will refuse to watch my Lifestyle shows, like What Not To Wear USA and Gok Wan and a few others.
I am home here as much as I was at my younger Sisters and settle in quickly and fall into a dead sleep waking at 5am this morning and ready to work again. Once again the sun shines strongly and I am as content as I will ever be. Another Mothers Day over until next year. We recall our Mum and what a "Tartar" she could be and we share the fact that we do not open our bags for checking at Supermarkets in celebration of her stubborn refusal to do the same. Love you mamasita
love janette
Saturday 12th May was my older sisters birthday. I rang her early and forgot to wish her Happy Birthday and had to ring her back. She was so very happy after doing her own very special journey at Camp Eden, she sounded fantastic. I was thrilled beyond measure as she said she had her "thunder" back and I knew exactly what she meant. She had time to herself, time to think without distraction.
Women give so much to their families and friends, never thinking what they themselves need in a demented act of giving and giving and then find themselves without their own happiness and sometimes health. I realise now how selfless we can be and can almost impale ourselves on the lance of martyrdom. We do it to be "nice", to be helpful, to be kind. Our strong nurturing insticts coming to the fore and I do it too.
Women tend to want to make thing better. But not looking after oneself is neurotic and feeble. Because if we don't look after ourselves, who is going to ? My grown family have their own happy lives. And they want Mum to be happy. So after I had a delightful conversation with my older sister I went shopping with my youmger one and we had a ball. Choosing her Mother In Law a present and buying gifts for Jackies birthday.
I didn't realise that being away from home would hit me so hard. I didn't realise the packed shops and mad scramble for Mothers Day shopping would eventually depress me once I was home and before I knew it the "monster: of grief would come to claim me omce more. No sooner was I home from shopping than I burst into tears and cried for a good hour, Helen my baby Sis doing all the right things and comforting me.
I cried and cried overwhelmed by a feeling of intense sorrow and fear. I cried for my babies who I wasn't with and for my baby girl who always brought me flowers and would no longer be there for me to thank. I cried for her babies that would never be born. Cried I would never see her married, share in her joys of love found and enjoyed.I am always so very grateful to my Sisters who understand and my remaining girls, who are now Mothers themselves. They all know that Mothers Day will be a sad day for me and a beautiful day as well.
My little Sister did all the right things and hugged me and listened to my sorrow and distress and let me cry it all out and then I felt better. I hadn't realised how much it would affect me, but after an hour or so I felt better and no longer wanted to wallow in self pity and angst. I knew things could not be changed but that doesn't mean I forget. I can never forget and I said in my grief could modern medicine not come up with something that could cut out the part that makes me remember.
Then as I calmed I realised I didn't want to forget. That in the remembering there was beauty, truth and nobility. And that there were millions of parents all over the world that were going through what I was going through and I felt comforted by that. There are people out there that very much understand and deal with their loss in different ways. And the only way to make sense of it was to keep moving forward. That somehow in some way the remembering of a lost child and honouring that memory will help to make the world a better place.
So we wished each other Happy Mothers Day and my girls sent messages of love and support as they enjoyed their Mothers Day and thought of me.
It's always worse before the day as are all the anniversaries. Its always the lead up, not the day. I guess people who have not lost a child or a Mother may understand or they might not. They might think after 22 years you somehow forget or that time will heal. It doesn't. It gets worse but it becomes more personal. I was glad my younger sister was there to catch me and hold me as I fell apart and didn't judge me or try to make me feel better. It goes without saying that I adore my other girls and it is no reflection on them or their children that I grieve. It just is what it is, it has to be dealt with and then within hours I am OK again.
We had a ball on the day and Sammi, my sisters youngest child picked flowers from the garden and that is exactly what my baby girl would have done and we were happy. We threaded flowers in our hair and behind our ears like tahitian princesses and did no work and instead toasted ourselves in the hot sun. We are getting ready for my brothers engagement party and a 50th Birthday the following week and spent "girly" time trying on dresses and shoes and bangles and beads.
We decided on what we are wearing deifintely and will probably only change our minds ten times before next Saturday but that's OK as we are women and it's a womans perogative to change her mind. And Often. I guess that's one thing men don't understand about us as we are more ruled by emotion and hormones. Men are not the same in that way.
We girls are heading off to my older brothers place and I have packed my suitcase and it's stuffed full, twice as heavy as when I came. I say a sad farewell to Becahmere and we head off to Redcliife and my older brothers house there My older by 19 months brother I ran in faded red speedos with when I was little. His daring and my brains making for a good match and we still are. He now a confirmed bachelor and me a confirmed single woman. We watch the series of Game Of Thrones which he loves and it's good if not a bit gory and I hide under my cardigan until the bad bits are over.
Last time I was here we watched Boardwalk Empire together but he will refuse to watch my Lifestyle shows, like What Not To Wear USA and Gok Wan and a few others.
I am home here as much as I was at my younger Sisters and settle in quickly and fall into a dead sleep waking at 5am this morning and ready to work again. Once again the sun shines strongly and I am as content as I will ever be. Another Mothers Day over until next year. We recall our Mum and what a "Tartar" she could be and we share the fact that we do not open our bags for checking at Supermarkets in celebration of her stubborn refusal to do the same. Love you mamasita
love janette
