Maddy and I
Without Prejudice
20.10.2011
I realised after hearing Maddy's story, which she told me a year ago, that we had to help her.
She was my grandsons girlfriend. We were always having to stop around the corner, to pick her up. Her Dad might see us and she told me of her spending 16 years in her room.
A little girl that had been told all her life she was no good, always hated by her Father.
Slammed into walls, her bruises so bad at school that she tried to cover them with make up. One time the bruise ran all the way down the right hand side of her face.
But she kept persevering and I said to the "troops" (The five Little Ladies) that we had to get her out of that toxic atmosphere at home. She was 17 then and a cute, feisty, spunky, obsessed with fitness, young teen. So caring, with the boys, and the girls and babies in the familyand I kept thinking,
"How do we get her out???"
Debbie helped and Alena And Yvette and Lauren of course, somewhere above us, hovering, angel wings shaking, saying,
"Hurry, hurry"
So we did, we hurried. I told her not to be alone in the house, ever. She had stayed feeling sorry for her Mum. I said to her she had save herself first and then we would see.
But I knew the Mother had lived under that harsh rule for a long time and had given up.
She would be in "abused wife syndrome" stage and that could not possibly help Maddy
But we could help Maddy, so we did. We took her out when she could get out, picking her up in black back roads, she walking miles to meet us. In secret, and I kept thinking,
"Who lives like this in this day and age???"
But Maddy did, enmeshed in Serb religion and culture, which to her was mumbo jumbo after what had happened to her. We told her to be strong while we made an escape plan, and we did , conferring amongst ourselves.
We also had to get Kyle back on his feet, so he could provide real refuge for Maddy. It was very intense over Summer last year. Peter had his problems, Yvette had hers, just having had a baby, her 7th, and it went on and on, I spent 6 weeks at Debbie's but longed to be home, my home.
Returning one day and never feeling so happy. And it kept nudging at me that Maddy had to have that too. It's so important to feel safe.
She went To Deb's first, always having to go home if the gentle Mother rang, crying or the Father was "mucking up", he was a violent alcoholic, that pretended to the world his family was fine, wife happy, kids happy.
Especially around others and then would berate the family until 5am, ranting, screaming, drunk,they sleepy eyed and having heard it all before.
The wife and him were not really together any more, but still had to show the Serbian community they were all together, and to the siblings of both. He controlled the family with dark and secret things inside of himself.
We made her be a good little girl at home, sticking to curfews, obeying her parents. In the end she told her Mum about Kyle, saying she loved him. needing to share.
Her Mother would do anything for Maddy but she feared the father and the Serb community's opinion. And eventually, slowly, gently, with beating hearts we began to get her foot across the thresh hold,
We kept up comfort, support, practical help, Deb and Ashleigh and Georgia and Andrew taking up the challenge.
We petted her and spoilt her and told her she was a fine person, which she was, is.
We did midnight runs, summoned by Maddy when she could bear not bear it, we snuck her out.
The Mum started letting her stay longer and longer, bowing to the inevitable, at last.
The Father disowned her of course. Hating Kyle (a skip) without ever meeting him, but a few of the Uncles met Kyle and he liked them and he them. Kyle had issues of his own to deal with at the time, but he hung on to his girl and he still does.
It took months to get Maddy out, but we still made her wait, being the dutiful daughter, but I knew she went home and went to her room, hardly ever coming out.
In all those years she had not learned to cook as she didn't go into the kitchen. he had denied her everything with his mental illness and alcohol. He had denied her the right to a normal life.
(I had one story on my blog this Morning, I have 140 stories but this week we are just getting by, mourning, for a week, so I have saved them but not published them, and I had the guns n roses concert story on there only. And after reading Maddy's story I realised I had a Dad that named a star after me and I was number 5, and Maddy had a Father that wished never to have had her)
I encouraged Maddy to tell me her story about the "test", coaxing her words out. And then she told me he had always called her trash, whore, slut, useless, but would brag how he would die for his sons.
And I pushed her gently, she has never had counselling, except once for her anorexia and bulimia, the school noticing and getting her help,
But she said it didn't help.
But she didn't mention the sexual assault or the bashings, or the emotional abuse.
I adore her because she is so strong and has a tenacity to survive anything. I asked her what kept her going, what spark kept her alive during all those years of being in her room.
She said movies, she watched movies of murder and hate and anorexic girls. She began cutting her arms and in the end her face, and feeling relieved when the blood flowed, She starved herself and purged her body, hating herself. She exercised for hours, endlessly, exhausting herself.
She did karate and taught it to disadvantaged kids, strengthening her body and fighting skills till she honed her body to perfection.
She worked and went to school, graduating VCE and partying like there was no tomorrow. And went straight to her room, ignoring everyone and rang us constantly and Kyle, hiding in the dark.
When she first started coming out she would not eat or eat loads of junk and exercised it off. Going for ten miles walks, head down, determined. Her body and appetite were the only thing she could control in her life.
Mentally she was strong and tough, her body was strong and tough but emotionally she was a mess. But we took that a day at a time.
And the she told me one night about the "test," trusting me, and I was the first she told the whole thing to, covering her humiliation with euphenisms. So I said, almost dispassionately.
"What did he do???"
"Did he do this", using blunt words, and she said
"Yes"
The predator waiting until Maddy's mum left on holiday for the first time and she was underage, she blocks the exact age, she was, but it was 15-16.
And she said it was like he wanted to break her mentally, that if he broke this barrier to her he would weaken her. And that was why she ran when he tried to touch her, thinking she was asleep. I said to her,
"You could have lain there in fear and then what would have happened?"
"He would have raped me"
So she ran instead, coming back to grab the phone, and he was saying,
"What, I can't cuddle my own daughter?"
There had been no cuddles before only punches.
And calling her brother, knowing she was alone in the house with her Father, drunk.
And running to her friends and telling her, and thats what I love about her, she "Told"
Not victim, survivor, she ran for her life, not even knowing where she was going or to who. But she had told me now the whole thing and I could not do nothing.
So we finally got her out, and she lives in a flat with her darling boy, Kyle and they have smoothed their way. He rings her and she rings him even though they have only seen each other minutes before. He, after a terrible 12 months ending last Summer, works full time at Liquorland and is training for Managership. he loves it, easily working 6-7 days a week
Maddy is pregnant, blooming like a rose and has just had a call about a job, that she wants. Taking resumes around the other day and a Company rang her/ A company she had left a resume in the copier at, just getting her copies and not leaving a copy there. But she had a call this moring and they want to see her today. She's very excited.
We sat up last night after the 30 degree day, not being able to sleep. She has been reading all my stories, little devil, even the explicit ones. I knew she had sent me some wordy texts and emails, so I said,
"Do you like to write??"
She had told me of her learning difficulties at school, so I expected her to say no.
"I love to write", she said.
She told me of the English teacher who had helped her, and how she had confided in him about her violent Father. And to her distress he reported it and she said she felt betrayed a bit, I replied
"Be glad he did"
Because it was acknowledged and there was a consequence, finally.
And the Teacher realised she could write and encouraged, and when others were handing in 2 page essays, she was handing in 5,
So I logged in to a new blog, that is now hers, and told her to write,
"What, now??
"Yes"
"What"
"I don't know, how about your first memory, try and think back to your first memory"
"I don't know how to start"
"Yes, you do, you start at, I was 5 when I remember...... or the year was 1996 and I remember the ice was on the lake that year..... Understand.
And within a few sentences she had mentioned her father,
"I can never put that out there", she had said earlier.
(I was spring cleaning my carpet, as you do at 1am in the morning, talking to your grandsons girlfriend) but I wanted to give her space. Let her write it as she saw fit, so she typed like a woman demented, fast and not stopping. No punctuation, just "Flow", the stream of conciousness that lies dormant in the brain.
And it was brilliant, written with heart and passion.
I said to her,
"You could inspire others, young girls like you, trapped in a family, that looks so normal on the outside, but bad things are happening"
"You are right, thats why I don't like rich people, they have fancy houses and nice lawns but you don't know what is really going on, on the inside, look at me!"
I assured her there are plenty of rich people who live nice lives, and are great people, my siblings for example.
So she calmed down about that a little, I think she was meaning the "Church and Cultures and a Society that loved gossip and innuendo, but didn't really Help.
So we stayed up talking, warmed in the lamp light, Richard Mercer (Our favourite) having finished and othere great songs coming on and we'd jump if it was a good one and turn it up high.
"How do you feel, now, you have written it and it's out of your brain and on the page,
"Better", and she smiled and Kyle rang so many times, supposed to be out with Mates and Maddy didn't care. She was enjoying herself. Having written the story.
And I said,
"It's his problem, not yours, never blame yourself, ever.
And I hated writing this, it makes me shudder, and I don't like the dark places you have to go to sometimes, to tell the truth. Evil people are hard to write about, but she survived him and last night as she danced around the lounge room, I thought she at last is free to be her, just Maddy
And if you want to read her remarkable story of courage, go to blogger on google amd type in five little ladies
Love Janette
20.10.2011
I realised after hearing Maddy's story, which she told me a year ago, that we had to help her.
She was my grandsons girlfriend. We were always having to stop around the corner, to pick her up. Her Dad might see us and she told me of her spending 16 years in her room.
A little girl that had been told all her life she was no good, always hated by her Father.
Slammed into walls, her bruises so bad at school that she tried to cover them with make up. One time the bruise ran all the way down the right hand side of her face.
But she kept persevering and I said to the "troops" (The five Little Ladies) that we had to get her out of that toxic atmosphere at home. She was 17 then and a cute, feisty, spunky, obsessed with fitness, young teen. So caring, with the boys, and the girls and babies in the familyand I kept thinking,
"How do we get her out???"
Debbie helped and Alena And Yvette and Lauren of course, somewhere above us, hovering, angel wings shaking, saying,
"Hurry, hurry"
So we did, we hurried. I told her not to be alone in the house, ever. She had stayed feeling sorry for her Mum. I said to her she had save herself first and then we would see.
But I knew the Mother had lived under that harsh rule for a long time and had given up.
She would be in "abused wife syndrome" stage and that could not possibly help Maddy
But we could help Maddy, so we did. We took her out when she could get out, picking her up in black back roads, she walking miles to meet us. In secret, and I kept thinking,
"Who lives like this in this day and age???"
But Maddy did, enmeshed in Serb religion and culture, which to her was mumbo jumbo after what had happened to her. We told her to be strong while we made an escape plan, and we did , conferring amongst ourselves.
We also had to get Kyle back on his feet, so he could provide real refuge for Maddy. It was very intense over Summer last year. Peter had his problems, Yvette had hers, just having had a baby, her 7th, and it went on and on, I spent 6 weeks at Debbie's but longed to be home, my home.
Returning one day and never feeling so happy. And it kept nudging at me that Maddy had to have that too. It's so important to feel safe.
She went To Deb's first, always having to go home if the gentle Mother rang, crying or the Father was "mucking up", he was a violent alcoholic, that pretended to the world his family was fine, wife happy, kids happy.
Especially around others and then would berate the family until 5am, ranting, screaming, drunk,they sleepy eyed and having heard it all before.
The wife and him were not really together any more, but still had to show the Serbian community they were all together, and to the siblings of both. He controlled the family with dark and secret things inside of himself.
We made her be a good little girl at home, sticking to curfews, obeying her parents. In the end she told her Mum about Kyle, saying she loved him. needing to share.
Her Mother would do anything for Maddy but she feared the father and the Serb community's opinion. And eventually, slowly, gently, with beating hearts we began to get her foot across the thresh hold,
We kept up comfort, support, practical help, Deb and Ashleigh and Georgia and Andrew taking up the challenge.
We petted her and spoilt her and told her she was a fine person, which she was, is.
We did midnight runs, summoned by Maddy when she could bear not bear it, we snuck her out.
The Mum started letting her stay longer and longer, bowing to the inevitable, at last.
The Father disowned her of course. Hating Kyle (a skip) without ever meeting him, but a few of the Uncles met Kyle and he liked them and he them. Kyle had issues of his own to deal with at the time, but he hung on to his girl and he still does.
It took months to get Maddy out, but we still made her wait, being the dutiful daughter, but I knew she went home and went to her room, hardly ever coming out.
In all those years she had not learned to cook as she didn't go into the kitchen. he had denied her everything with his mental illness and alcohol. He had denied her the right to a normal life.
(I had one story on my blog this Morning, I have 140 stories but this week we are just getting by, mourning, for a week, so I have saved them but not published them, and I had the guns n roses concert story on there only. And after reading Maddy's story I realised I had a Dad that named a star after me and I was number 5, and Maddy had a Father that wished never to have had her)
I encouraged Maddy to tell me her story about the "test", coaxing her words out. And then she told me he had always called her trash, whore, slut, useless, but would brag how he would die for his sons.
And I pushed her gently, she has never had counselling, except once for her anorexia and bulimia, the school noticing and getting her help,
But she said it didn't help.
But she didn't mention the sexual assault or the bashings, or the emotional abuse.
I adore her because she is so strong and has a tenacity to survive anything. I asked her what kept her going, what spark kept her alive during all those years of being in her room.
She said movies, she watched movies of murder and hate and anorexic girls. She began cutting her arms and in the end her face, and feeling relieved when the blood flowed, She starved herself and purged her body, hating herself. She exercised for hours, endlessly, exhausting herself.
She did karate and taught it to disadvantaged kids, strengthening her body and fighting skills till she honed her body to perfection.
She worked and went to school, graduating VCE and partying like there was no tomorrow. And went straight to her room, ignoring everyone and rang us constantly and Kyle, hiding in the dark.
When she first started coming out she would not eat or eat loads of junk and exercised it off. Going for ten miles walks, head down, determined. Her body and appetite were the only thing she could control in her life.
Mentally she was strong and tough, her body was strong and tough but emotionally she was a mess. But we took that a day at a time.
And the she told me one night about the "test," trusting me, and I was the first she told the whole thing to, covering her humiliation with euphenisms. So I said, almost dispassionately.
"What did he do???"
"Did he do this", using blunt words, and she said
"Yes"
The predator waiting until Maddy's mum left on holiday for the first time and she was underage, she blocks the exact age, she was, but it was 15-16.
And she said it was like he wanted to break her mentally, that if he broke this barrier to her he would weaken her. And that was why she ran when he tried to touch her, thinking she was asleep. I said to her,
"You could have lain there in fear and then what would have happened?"
"He would have raped me"
So she ran instead, coming back to grab the phone, and he was saying,
"What, I can't cuddle my own daughter?"
There had been no cuddles before only punches.
And calling her brother, knowing she was alone in the house with her Father, drunk.
And running to her friends and telling her, and thats what I love about her, she "Told"
Not victim, survivor, she ran for her life, not even knowing where she was going or to who. But she had told me now the whole thing and I could not do nothing.
So we finally got her out, and she lives in a flat with her darling boy, Kyle and they have smoothed their way. He rings her and she rings him even though they have only seen each other minutes before. He, after a terrible 12 months ending last Summer, works full time at Liquorland and is training for Managership. he loves it, easily working 6-7 days a week
Maddy is pregnant, blooming like a rose and has just had a call about a job, that she wants. Taking resumes around the other day and a Company rang her/ A company she had left a resume in the copier at, just getting her copies and not leaving a copy there. But she had a call this moring and they want to see her today. She's very excited.
We sat up last night after the 30 degree day, not being able to sleep. She has been reading all my stories, little devil, even the explicit ones. I knew she had sent me some wordy texts and emails, so I said,
"Do you like to write??"
She had told me of her learning difficulties at school, so I expected her to say no.
"I love to write", she said.
She told me of the English teacher who had helped her, and how she had confided in him about her violent Father. And to her distress he reported it and she said she felt betrayed a bit, I replied
"Be glad he did"
Because it was acknowledged and there was a consequence, finally.
And the Teacher realised she could write and encouraged, and when others were handing in 2 page essays, she was handing in 5,
So I logged in to a new blog, that is now hers, and told her to write,
"What, now??
"Yes"
"What"
"I don't know, how about your first memory, try and think back to your first memory"
"I don't know how to start"
"Yes, you do, you start at, I was 5 when I remember...... or the year was 1996 and I remember the ice was on the lake that year..... Understand.
And within a few sentences she had mentioned her father,
"I can never put that out there", she had said earlier.
(I was spring cleaning my carpet, as you do at 1am in the morning, talking to your grandsons girlfriend) but I wanted to give her space. Let her write it as she saw fit, so she typed like a woman demented, fast and not stopping. No punctuation, just "Flow", the stream of conciousness that lies dormant in the brain.
And it was brilliant, written with heart and passion.
I said to her,
"You could inspire others, young girls like you, trapped in a family, that looks so normal on the outside, but bad things are happening"
"You are right, thats why I don't like rich people, they have fancy houses and nice lawns but you don't know what is really going on, on the inside, look at me!"
I assured her there are plenty of rich people who live nice lives, and are great people, my siblings for example.
So she calmed down about that a little, I think she was meaning the "Church and Cultures and a Society that loved gossip and innuendo, but didn't really Help.
So we stayed up talking, warmed in the lamp light, Richard Mercer (Our favourite) having finished and othere great songs coming on and we'd jump if it was a good one and turn it up high.
"How do you feel, now, you have written it and it's out of your brain and on the page,
"Better", and she smiled and Kyle rang so many times, supposed to be out with Mates and Maddy didn't care. She was enjoying herself. Having written the story.
And I said,
"It's his problem, not yours, never blame yourself, ever.
And I hated writing this, it makes me shudder, and I don't like the dark places you have to go to sometimes, to tell the truth. Evil people are hard to write about, but she survived him and last night as she danced around the lounge room, I thought she at last is free to be her, just Maddy
And if you want to read her remarkable story of courage, go to blogger on google amd type in five little ladies
Love Janette
