Love Old and New
Without Prejudice
I loved him at first sight, that had never happened to me before, reaching my age and never having experienced it. But I did and it was wonderful. And at that time I was about to move into my home. He had pushed me, saying,
"How did I know you haven't got a house yet, Bruckshaw."
He sounded like my old Teacher Bruce Jennings
I answered something vague
But within a week I had the house and I danced the first night around my own lounge room, the night before and told him, he asked,
"Were you clothed??"
My reply
"Mostly"
And I revelled in my very own place after so many years. I loved it, i polished it and made it beautiful. Gathering old and new items to decorate what was me, just me.
And I just took it easy, making sure I was happy and I never expected to see him again. Nothing but flirting for 3 months, and every time I saw him my heart had quickened, but I didn't trust those sorts of feelings any more.
So I fully expected not to see anything of him any more. I had been in those situations before and not while you work with someone.
And to tell you the truth I thought he was a lightweight. All powerful, arrogant, wealthy, surrounded by men who were the same, nice, charming, personable, but still light weight.
I have been through a lot in my life, more then many and less than some, but still I had been through "The Fire" and that tends to change your perspective.
Ever after you revere the life you have been handed and you decide to play the hand you are dealt.
I have been very rich and very poor and I tended to view, rich, as scary. My bother dying when I was 5 after my parents became suddenly wealthy,
and Lauren dying when we, her Dad and I, felt like we had a licence to print money
She stepped off the edge of the world one day and years later we found out my Brother Jamie died on the exact same day. 30th November.
Two children from the one family, dying on the same day 42 years a part. 365 days in a year, what are the odds??
So ever after her death I was a changed person, turning from accepting to being angry, so very angry.
I took it out on people, my anger, dismissing them all as lightweight except for me of course. I was serious and bitter and shitty all the time.
But now I was safe from harm I felt better. 20 years of a nasty ex husband that always wanted to see me and his girls in the gutter for some reason I couldn't fathom.
I'd dealt with all that, deciding he was just an unhappy man, and would sting his own foot of he could. It was just "HIM"
So I began my new life in the house in Eva Street and became very contented, not angry.
And one day he came,
I was surprised, he mentioned he had been down my street a few days before, carrying wine,
"What are you, a stalker??"
So when he appeared I asked him where was the wine???
And he just laughed. I liked to make him laugh, he lived in the "straight" world, having to conform and I didn't.
And we learned a lot about each other. It was good, two adults together, more friends at last.
And we continued that way for years. Good for me, good for him.
And I moved after 2 years to my unit at Yvette's, mine for life, all my life. and I love it.
If I'm lonely (which I was in the big house) truth be told, I can go 30 feet away and I have all the love and comfort I need.
Cruz will be there, 12 months and just the best baby, and he smiles and holds out his arms to be picked up.
And Yvette, all manic energy and surrounded by kids. Acer will be there doing something naughty, And the teen boys, grunting, eating, and being the neanderthals they are, knuckles scraping on the ground, preparing them selves to be men.
I had one man call in this morning, Mr Cool, Kyle, here to pick up his love, Mladenka. Standing at my door and waking her up with a kiss. The proud Poppa to be. Trainee Manager and 12 months ago his life was rock bottom.
Thats what we do the girls and I. In honour of Lauren we try and transform lives. This year, Mladenka and Kyle, perhaps Simon, I hope so. Maybe Peters, who knows??
When we are on a project we can't stop, and we can't not do it, no matter how tired or drained or disappomted and behind us hovers Lauren, saying
"Hurry, hurry"
And none of us is patient. none of us, Alena, Debbie, Yvette and I all the same, fighting with each other, so dumb.
rushing and over reacting and we text each other every time
"Free Falling", by Tom Petty comes on and "Sweet Child Of Mine", (All my family turn that song up loud, when it comes on, a tribute)
We have the Anniversary of Lauren's death soon in a month, and watch us all flip. The day not so bad, but the lead up intense. But we have been better in the last few years.
Accepting it all, what has happened, and moving on
But it's not right...
Anyway back to my story.......
So we had times, always good, and then nothing, I always said when he was with me he was 110% with me and when he was gone he was 110% gone. Rushing off to a frantic life,
"Men get BUSY". Pei told me, a gay guy from Bangkok.
Men don't sit around discussing relationships, they get busy
So the stolen hours become concentrated.
And in the end I wanted more as I always do, (Hey Bob ??????? ). he always said he couldn't satisfy me and he couldn't. he didn't "get" me. I was always about family and he was all about money and we both got what we wanted. So no hard feeling on my part.
And last year I grew itchy with the whole set up. great sex, good love and then nothing, so I thought,
"No"
I wanted someone that was around a little more and silly secrets, what for???
I don't hide my life as just about everone knows.
And one day I saw the way he looked at me, the other big man, I'm not an idiot, and the look was one of love. And I don't need the rest, the pretention and snobbery, who cares about all that stuff, it's just "Stuff".
Love's the key, the best and until I have it pure and whole and spoken aloud to the world, then I wait and I write and I live, happy and, contented
22.10.2011
The "Troops" have arrived, My brother George has arrived and the ever lovely Tracy and Lindsay from Qld, just when I need their enveloping warmth, and I sobbed on the phone about losing our beautiful dog, Bonnie after 11 years, and they understood mine and Yvette's and the boys grief. And George told me to come tomorrow, to the casino (where else??) and he will pay for a cab, God, what a darling brother, and I will cry and they will a hug me
love you georgie
Update 23.10.2011
I met up with the troops and I didn't cry, just coughed and coughed and as soon as I jumped out of the taxi, it went. Weird. Had the best day, trying on clothes and they fitted, sooooooooooo good. I have lost s***loads of weight and there is no better feeling. xxxx
Love Janette
I loved him at first sight, that had never happened to me before, reaching my age and never having experienced it. But I did and it was wonderful. And at that time I was about to move into my home. He had pushed me, saying,
"How did I know you haven't got a house yet, Bruckshaw."
He sounded like my old Teacher Bruce Jennings
I answered something vague
But within a week I had the house and I danced the first night around my own lounge room, the night before and told him, he asked,
"Were you clothed??"
My reply
"Mostly"
And I revelled in my very own place after so many years. I loved it, i polished it and made it beautiful. Gathering old and new items to decorate what was me, just me.
And I just took it easy, making sure I was happy and I never expected to see him again. Nothing but flirting for 3 months, and every time I saw him my heart had quickened, but I didn't trust those sorts of feelings any more.
So I fully expected not to see anything of him any more. I had been in those situations before and not while you work with someone.
And to tell you the truth I thought he was a lightweight. All powerful, arrogant, wealthy, surrounded by men who were the same, nice, charming, personable, but still light weight.
I have been through a lot in my life, more then many and less than some, but still I had been through "The Fire" and that tends to change your perspective.
Ever after you revere the life you have been handed and you decide to play the hand you are dealt.
I have been very rich and very poor and I tended to view, rich, as scary. My bother dying when I was 5 after my parents became suddenly wealthy,
and Lauren dying when we, her Dad and I, felt like we had a licence to print money
She stepped off the edge of the world one day and years later we found out my Brother Jamie died on the exact same day. 30th November.
Two children from the one family, dying on the same day 42 years a part. 365 days in a year, what are the odds??
So ever after her death I was a changed person, turning from accepting to being angry, so very angry.
I took it out on people, my anger, dismissing them all as lightweight except for me of course. I was serious and bitter and shitty all the time.
But now I was safe from harm I felt better. 20 years of a nasty ex husband that always wanted to see me and his girls in the gutter for some reason I couldn't fathom.
I'd dealt with all that, deciding he was just an unhappy man, and would sting his own foot of he could. It was just "HIM"
So I began my new life in the house in Eva Street and became very contented, not angry.
And one day he came,
I was surprised, he mentioned he had been down my street a few days before, carrying wine,
"What are you, a stalker??"
So when he appeared I asked him where was the wine???
And he just laughed. I liked to make him laugh, he lived in the "straight" world, having to conform and I didn't.
And we learned a lot about each other. It was good, two adults together, more friends at last.
And we continued that way for years. Good for me, good for him.
And I moved after 2 years to my unit at Yvette's, mine for life, all my life. and I love it.
If I'm lonely (which I was in the big house) truth be told, I can go 30 feet away and I have all the love and comfort I need.
Cruz will be there, 12 months and just the best baby, and he smiles and holds out his arms to be picked up.
And Yvette, all manic energy and surrounded by kids. Acer will be there doing something naughty, And the teen boys, grunting, eating, and being the neanderthals they are, knuckles scraping on the ground, preparing them selves to be men.
I had one man call in this morning, Mr Cool, Kyle, here to pick up his love, Mladenka. Standing at my door and waking her up with a kiss. The proud Poppa to be. Trainee Manager and 12 months ago his life was rock bottom.
Thats what we do the girls and I. In honour of Lauren we try and transform lives. This year, Mladenka and Kyle, perhaps Simon, I hope so. Maybe Peters, who knows??
When we are on a project we can't stop, and we can't not do it, no matter how tired or drained or disappomted and behind us hovers Lauren, saying
"Hurry, hurry"
And none of us is patient. none of us, Alena, Debbie, Yvette and I all the same, fighting with each other, so dumb.
rushing and over reacting and we text each other every time
"Free Falling", by Tom Petty comes on and "Sweet Child Of Mine", (All my family turn that song up loud, when it comes on, a tribute)
We have the Anniversary of Lauren's death soon in a month, and watch us all flip. The day not so bad, but the lead up intense. But we have been better in the last few years.
Accepting it all, what has happened, and moving on
But it's not right...
Anyway back to my story.......
So we had times, always good, and then nothing, I always said when he was with me he was 110% with me and when he was gone he was 110% gone. Rushing off to a frantic life,
"Men get BUSY". Pei told me, a gay guy from Bangkok.
Men don't sit around discussing relationships, they get busy
So the stolen hours become concentrated.
And in the end I wanted more as I always do, (Hey Bob ??????? ). he always said he couldn't satisfy me and he couldn't. he didn't "get" me. I was always about family and he was all about money and we both got what we wanted. So no hard feeling on my part.
And last year I grew itchy with the whole set up. great sex, good love and then nothing, so I thought,
"No"
I wanted someone that was around a little more and silly secrets, what for???
I don't hide my life as just about everone knows.
And one day I saw the way he looked at me, the other big man, I'm not an idiot, and the look was one of love. And I don't need the rest, the pretention and snobbery, who cares about all that stuff, it's just "Stuff".
Love's the key, the best and until I have it pure and whole and spoken aloud to the world, then I wait and I write and I live, happy and, contented
22.10.2011
The "Troops" have arrived, My brother George has arrived and the ever lovely Tracy and Lindsay from Qld, just when I need their enveloping warmth, and I sobbed on the phone about losing our beautiful dog, Bonnie after 11 years, and they understood mine and Yvette's and the boys grief. And George told me to come tomorrow, to the casino (where else??) and he will pay for a cab, God, what a darling brother, and I will cry and they will a hug me
love you georgie
Update 23.10.2011
I met up with the troops and I didn't cry, just coughed and coughed and as soon as I jumped out of the taxi, it went. Weird. Had the best day, trying on clothes and they fitted, sooooooooooo good. I have lost s***loads of weight and there is no better feeling. xxxx
Love Janette
