Mandys Funeral 13.10.2011
Without Prejudice
It was awful and bizarre and sad and heart breakingly lovely all at the same time, like all funerals I guess. A mix of the sacred and profane. The words are lovely and religious because she was a religious girl for the last 14 years or so. She found religion in a big way, but all I could think was,
"It didn't help, where was he, her God?,
Where was he when she struggled to breathe, the last 4 hours of a life, struggling to breathe and trying not to panic.
And then felt bad, guilty for my irreligious thought, we all have some one that we are humbled by. driven to our knees and crying in despair for, we all do.
The photos in a slideshow, trying to cover a life, the baby, the toothy smiling girl, dance costumes, communion photos and her children, so vunerable, a bravely smiling Mum in the last photo, with her children. I remembered Alena saw her recently walking across the road with an oxygen machine and she was the same age as Yvette.
And I cried when I thought of it, her still determined to be out, what were her thoughts, knowing she was going backwards, in health, no hope, no dying spark of going forwards. And people will say she could have helped herself, that's unkind. I had a lot of hateful things said when Lauren died, my daugher, died, aged 12 in an awful silly dare that went wrong, and it didn't help. She was dead and I hated those people.
One girlfriend, a drunk, saying a month later,
"Oh, people thought she killed herself, because you pay more attention to Yvette and Alena"
I was devastated, suicide??? Not my happy girl, thanks, no one knows a child like the Mother and I knew she spun, pirhouetted through life, not sensing the world can be a dangerous place.
( And I heard something about that just recently, that there is a genetic link with what I had always thought, some kids are born "accident prone," my brother James and Lauren for two and they had both died young. The theory being that some kids don't sense danger, and act more impulsively )
I knew that because Lauren would never ever put on a seat belt--just trusting, and I would end up yelling at her, she twisted her ankle twice on the trampoline, once ending up in plaster, she gashed her eye, on a platic crate requiring 12 stitches and her Father was not happy at having to take time off work to take her, and was so sorry for her, kissing her forehead, when she sobbed with the pain, She jumped in the pond, gashing her foot on a broken beer bottle, more plaster casts, and she wasn't the naughtiest, Alena was always the naughtiest, killer, smile and "Hell on Wheels", but she didn't have accidents. Lauren did, she almost severed her finger in the GT, she climbed fences and launched herself off, trusting, she would land "Somewhere" )
And another lady saying to Syl, "Well what was a 12 year old doing out at night, anyway, I blame the parents"
And I am reminded of what an Actress said once, "Don't tell people, whats wrong, they have 2 points of view, either you deserved it , or you somehow caused it"
Mandy died, that's what is important and the world will be a lesser place for her going, Her kids will have no Mum and for us that knew her, we have lost a loving presence. We who knew her as a happy smiling girl that loved Paul Young and Lasers and danced to MC Hammer Time, who gave birth and lost men and went through heart break and great joy, made cakes, dressed up for nightclubs, waiting to meet her Mr Right, all that passion and enthusiasm, smiling all the while, where did that happy girl go ???
And I am sad for that girl and when I saw Pam, Mandy's Mum. I saw me 21 years ago, still able to function, still talking, still laughing, when inside me a nuclear bomb had gone off, destroying mind, body and spirit, It's not explainable, you are all alone, inside a bubble, shut off, numb. I had a cigarette outside with Alena, begging her for one as I have given up, and it did help. I knew I would be affected and I hadn't wanted to go, this morning, having had 3 sad deaths in the last month.
But I had to go, solemn 7 year old next to me, Kyan, who loved his Auntie Mandy, she was always lovely to all the boys, their aunt. He was playing on his DS, seemingly absorbed,
Me: "I should have gone and bought some tissues
Kyan : '"Why?"
Me: Because I might get sad ( I didn't want to say the word cry)
Kyan: " But we're already sad.
And it was true, we've been sad for 2 weeks, since finding out, and a Funeral is important in that it's an ending in a way, helps with the healing and grief, and you can cry publicly and it's OK, to let out all that emotion, I sobbed but the I always do, weddings, same.
Simon was there grieving for his Sister, but he looked good, let out of Port Phillip for the day, I didn't even see the hand cuffs until someone pointed them out. And I don't want anyone to Judge Simon, I like him, even though he's a hapless man, he means no ill will. And I like the fact that he loooooved Mandy so much as his Sister. And had rang her the day before she died and said
:I love you Sis"
"And she replied,
"Love you too"
And the next night she was gone, not making her 40th birthday on November 12th 2011
He'd been the Dad, Simon, her Dad walking out 20 years before and never seeing his ex wife or children again, a bus driver. And once Simon had seen him and ran along side the bus, holding up his and Yvette's son Brock in the capsule.
"Dad, Dad, it's your new Grandson"
And the Father had shut the doors and Simon went back and kicked them, running after the departing Bus, And I am glad the boys are not like that and love their Dad, no matter what. They could have reason to not talk to their Dad, but they just shrug and say, That's Dad.
And Kyan hangs off him, showing him his DS. he doesn't care he's wearing hand cuffs, he probably doesn't even notice. And Yvette has had all the boys hair cut and they are there in shiny new clothes, all in black.
He looks well Simon, growing a beard, looking like a Robert Downey Junior, younger, slimmer, more handsome and he is delighted to see all his boys and they him. he has 2 more months to go and I hug him to me and whisper,
"Please don't die"
"I can't go to one more funeral"
And he nods, he knows what I mean. Don't come out and be the same, he stayed out last time for 5 years. and then went nuts , did "A runner" and was put back in. I hope and pray he is not the same, the boys don't need it from their Dad anymore, they have had enough. And they love him, adore him, he is so kind asking the guards if they want something to eat. And the guards visibly moved by his adoring boys and his kindness.
That's Simon, a nightmare one minute and a lamb the next. They know Simon is no harm to anyone, once he is in he puts himself on protection, so he doesn't associate with the others, his crimes harm no one but himself. Yvette said he always does that once he "dries out", doesn't like rapists, murderers, assaulters, molesterers, he is one of the most hapless crims of all time and thats why he went in their so often. Those stories for another time......
And life is going on as it should, Jessica , Mandy's 16 year old daughter, smiles at her Cousin Zach, big tall good looking Zach and she smiles in delight. Her sobs shook us all in the Church, so poignant and heart felt, making us all cry. And the men amaze me, how do they keep it all in??. I find it impossible. Kyle cracking jokes with his cousins and bragging about his car, an Audi something and I know he lay wake all night a few nights ago thinking of his Aunty Mandy struggling to breathe and he had tears in his eyes when he told me.
And my God hasn't he changed in the last 12 months, now having a career and a baby with Madenka, on the way. again, mmmmmmmm And all the boys are fine, all her nephews are fine boys, because they care and I like that about that about them. And as I slip away, I am reminded it's all about the love, Mandy was well attended today and that shows she was loved and mattered and sometimes that is all we have, the love, the memories left in other hearts and minds to be remembered.
And I was so glad I went, because the last memory I have was there in the photos, a smiling pretty girl 0f 16, excited by life and full of love x
Love Janette
It was awful and bizarre and sad and heart breakingly lovely all at the same time, like all funerals I guess. A mix of the sacred and profane. The words are lovely and religious because she was a religious girl for the last 14 years or so. She found religion in a big way, but all I could think was,
"It didn't help, where was he, her God?,
Where was he when she struggled to breathe, the last 4 hours of a life, struggling to breathe and trying not to panic.
And then felt bad, guilty for my irreligious thought, we all have some one that we are humbled by. driven to our knees and crying in despair for, we all do.
The photos in a slideshow, trying to cover a life, the baby, the toothy smiling girl, dance costumes, communion photos and her children, so vunerable, a bravely smiling Mum in the last photo, with her children. I remembered Alena saw her recently walking across the road with an oxygen machine and she was the same age as Yvette.
And I cried when I thought of it, her still determined to be out, what were her thoughts, knowing she was going backwards, in health, no hope, no dying spark of going forwards. And people will say she could have helped herself, that's unkind. I had a lot of hateful things said when Lauren died, my daugher, died, aged 12 in an awful silly dare that went wrong, and it didn't help. She was dead and I hated those people.
One girlfriend, a drunk, saying a month later,
"Oh, people thought she killed herself, because you pay more attention to Yvette and Alena"
I was devastated, suicide??? Not my happy girl, thanks, no one knows a child like the Mother and I knew she spun, pirhouetted through life, not sensing the world can be a dangerous place.
( And I heard something about that just recently, that there is a genetic link with what I had always thought, some kids are born "accident prone," my brother James and Lauren for two and they had both died young. The theory being that some kids don't sense danger, and act more impulsively )
I knew that because Lauren would never ever put on a seat belt--just trusting, and I would end up yelling at her, she twisted her ankle twice on the trampoline, once ending up in plaster, she gashed her eye, on a platic crate requiring 12 stitches and her Father was not happy at having to take time off work to take her, and was so sorry for her, kissing her forehead, when she sobbed with the pain, She jumped in the pond, gashing her foot on a broken beer bottle, more plaster casts, and she wasn't the naughtiest, Alena was always the naughtiest, killer, smile and "Hell on Wheels", but she didn't have accidents. Lauren did, she almost severed her finger in the GT, she climbed fences and launched herself off, trusting, she would land "Somewhere" )
And another lady saying to Syl, "Well what was a 12 year old doing out at night, anyway, I blame the parents"
And I am reminded of what an Actress said once, "Don't tell people, whats wrong, they have 2 points of view, either you deserved it , or you somehow caused it"
Mandy died, that's what is important and the world will be a lesser place for her going, Her kids will have no Mum and for us that knew her, we have lost a loving presence. We who knew her as a happy smiling girl that loved Paul Young and Lasers and danced to MC Hammer Time, who gave birth and lost men and went through heart break and great joy, made cakes, dressed up for nightclubs, waiting to meet her Mr Right, all that passion and enthusiasm, smiling all the while, where did that happy girl go ???
And I am sad for that girl and when I saw Pam, Mandy's Mum. I saw me 21 years ago, still able to function, still talking, still laughing, when inside me a nuclear bomb had gone off, destroying mind, body and spirit, It's not explainable, you are all alone, inside a bubble, shut off, numb. I had a cigarette outside with Alena, begging her for one as I have given up, and it did help. I knew I would be affected and I hadn't wanted to go, this morning, having had 3 sad deaths in the last month.
But I had to go, solemn 7 year old next to me, Kyan, who loved his Auntie Mandy, she was always lovely to all the boys, their aunt. He was playing on his DS, seemingly absorbed,
Me: "I should have gone and bought some tissues
Kyan : '"Why?"
Me: Because I might get sad ( I didn't want to say the word cry)
Kyan: " But we're already sad.
And it was true, we've been sad for 2 weeks, since finding out, and a Funeral is important in that it's an ending in a way, helps with the healing and grief, and you can cry publicly and it's OK, to let out all that emotion, I sobbed but the I always do, weddings, same.
Simon was there grieving for his Sister, but he looked good, let out of Port Phillip for the day, I didn't even see the hand cuffs until someone pointed them out. And I don't want anyone to Judge Simon, I like him, even though he's a hapless man, he means no ill will. And I like the fact that he loooooved Mandy so much as his Sister. And had rang her the day before she died and said
:I love you Sis"
"And she replied,
"Love you too"
And the next night she was gone, not making her 40th birthday on November 12th 2011
He'd been the Dad, Simon, her Dad walking out 20 years before and never seeing his ex wife or children again, a bus driver. And once Simon had seen him and ran along side the bus, holding up his and Yvette's son Brock in the capsule.
"Dad, Dad, it's your new Grandson"
And the Father had shut the doors and Simon went back and kicked them, running after the departing Bus, And I am glad the boys are not like that and love their Dad, no matter what. They could have reason to not talk to their Dad, but they just shrug and say, That's Dad.
And Kyan hangs off him, showing him his DS. he doesn't care he's wearing hand cuffs, he probably doesn't even notice. And Yvette has had all the boys hair cut and they are there in shiny new clothes, all in black.
He looks well Simon, growing a beard, looking like a Robert Downey Junior, younger, slimmer, more handsome and he is delighted to see all his boys and they him. he has 2 more months to go and I hug him to me and whisper,
"Please don't die"
"I can't go to one more funeral"
And he nods, he knows what I mean. Don't come out and be the same, he stayed out last time for 5 years. and then went nuts , did "A runner" and was put back in. I hope and pray he is not the same, the boys don't need it from their Dad anymore, they have had enough. And they love him, adore him, he is so kind asking the guards if they want something to eat. And the guards visibly moved by his adoring boys and his kindness.
That's Simon, a nightmare one minute and a lamb the next. They know Simon is no harm to anyone, once he is in he puts himself on protection, so he doesn't associate with the others, his crimes harm no one but himself. Yvette said he always does that once he "dries out", doesn't like rapists, murderers, assaulters, molesterers, he is one of the most hapless crims of all time and thats why he went in their so often. Those stories for another time......
And life is going on as it should, Jessica , Mandy's 16 year old daughter, smiles at her Cousin Zach, big tall good looking Zach and she smiles in delight. Her sobs shook us all in the Church, so poignant and heart felt, making us all cry. And the men amaze me, how do they keep it all in??. I find it impossible. Kyle cracking jokes with his cousins and bragging about his car, an Audi something and I know he lay wake all night a few nights ago thinking of his Aunty Mandy struggling to breathe and he had tears in his eyes when he told me.
And my God hasn't he changed in the last 12 months, now having a career and a baby with Madenka, on the way. again, mmmmmmmm And all the boys are fine, all her nephews are fine boys, because they care and I like that about that about them. And as I slip away, I am reminded it's all about the love, Mandy was well attended today and that shows she was loved and mattered and sometimes that is all we have, the love, the memories left in other hearts and minds to be remembered.
And I was so glad I went, because the last memory I have was there in the photos, a smiling pretty girl 0f 16, excited by life and full of love x
Love Janette
