Money and Disaster
Without Prejudice
I learned at 5, after Jamie died, that we were rich before he died and then we were poor, outstandingly so. Moving around at, (to me) Mum and Dad's whim, and it was not fair on us kids, new schools, new houses, new friends, and never talking of what had gone before.
I began about then to display a "nervous" disposition. I bit my nails till they bled and did till I was 40 and divorced. I constantly spelled entire sentences and words in my head but reversing them and spelling them backwards. I also did that for years, and tearing strips, tiny scraps off paper and eating it and eating the ends of my hair.
I became a very anxious little girl, disaster was going to befall us, unless I kept up my "little rituals" up, not stepping on cracks, throwing salt over my shoulder, if salt was spilt, not allowed to pray to a God, I might have believed in, giving me comfort in times of stress.
Mum becoming an Atheist after Jamie died, an anagnostic, she said and before that both my parents had been regular church goers. But the one constant I had in the whirling teeming mess after Jamie died, was my intellect.
So when I went to new schools, I would excel, that was my way of being noticed. I would read for days, 15 books at a time, and aged, only 7, I could not get enough of the written word, and when others in my class were reading Janet and John I was allowed (after a visit from My Mother to the teachers) to read any book I wanted from the library.
So I did, I chose books that young adults were reading and was in heaven and it's still the best present I can get, a book. It's like chocolate for others, to me, being given a book. I will retire and read it all at one go, not resting, walking around with it, still reading, or delay finishing by promising myself, work first, then reading. So I will get all my work done and then sit with the book, reading, not eating, not drinking, just the book and I until we are done with each other.
And libraries are my place of worship, surrounded as I am with all that intelligence, and I wander the aisles, letting the books come to me, a biography here, a novel there, a private detective novel ( my favourite) there, non fiction on all subjects.
And annoyingly I retain a lot of it, even if I speed read, which I do. Scanning page after page and scanning it into my memory, where it stays and pops up when I need it. I have no idea why I am like this, I was born this way. The first two years of my life, no memory of at all. But from then on I remember things that have happened to me or my family in detail.
Not judging, just allowing memory to come flooding out, remembering everything, important or not. And when I do I am the little girl, or the bigger one, or the teenager, young Mother, young wife, grandmother. I sometimes use props to help, music the best, music of the era or photos are good too, and styles from an era, the fifties, sixties, seventies, eighties.
And when Bob and I had so much money we could have papered walls with it. Lauren died. Just like Jamie did, after my parents became wealthy. And for years I have neurotically associated money with disaster, wanting only enough to exist, to "get by".
And because Bob was so intent on punishing us for asking him to leave, after he controlled us for years, we have never received even as much as a kind word from him in 21 years. The girls paid for their own weddings, and Debbie, Bob's clear favorite child would not have him at her wedding, getting Kyle to give her away, aged 8. I begged her then to reconsider, I didn't want him in my life, in any capacity, but he was the Father, her father, bur Deb being Deb would not budge and I admire her strength.
Alena insisted he was there for hers, borrowing the money from him to get married in a six week time frame, and her and her hubby, Dean, paying him back every cent, right down to the last two hundred dollars, and there was no way he would let them have even that, the last small gesture. Alena's hubby wanted it that way, he never wanted to owe the man, having worked for many years for him and being sacked by Bob, when Dean's younger brother, died and Dean as the head of the Family, Maori family, was expected to be there for his Family. But it was Easter, Bob had a job to finish and Dean took an extra day to finish all the Funeral and Burial arrangements. So he sacked him, just like that. Dean would never trust him again and Bob has asked him at times to go back and work for him and Dean always says, No.
So I didn't want money, associating it with sudden death. Now I know I was being neurotic, then. Since then I've had a fair bit of counseling, I have good friends, very good friends I can vent to. Friends I have had since 16, Kerrie Hancock, we loved each other at first sight, she was only 6, but as smart as a whip. Karin Berry since I was 18 and she 14, Robyn Gould since I was 20, Laure Stark since I was 19, Sylvia too since I was 19, and Gayle Froud since I was 22 they let me cry sometimes just being quiet and being there for me, appalled and silent. Kerry Froud does it for me too. She was there from the womb, waiting for Lauren, waiting to be her lifelong friend. Kerry also came from a wealthy priveliged background too and chose the poverty lost world for years. And then just yesterday we spent a day together, Grand Final day 2011. Reminiscing about Mandy Hawkins, Simon's older sister, dying the night before in her sleep, aged 39, both knowing her from young. And saddened and shocked we spoke of old times, sharing memories and crying a little. Collingwood lost, disappointing us a little but nothing seemed to matter, except for Mandy at peace, and sadly leaving 3 children.
And we examined our own lives, finally liking ourselves and I decided against lecturing her, as is my wont, and just accepted her as she is, not as I think she should be. She's 34, now, just as Lauren would have been. She's not married, nor had a child yet, but she's still Kerry, the little girl I knew as Lauren's best Friend, adult now. I found it hard for years to deal with Kerry, seeing her as Lauren's torch bearer, every time I saw her it hurt. Hurt. And for years, I couldn't deal with 12 year old girls, jealous they were alive and my 12 year old wasn't. I looked at young girls in Supermarkets with long hair and I was jealous then too, resisting the urge to touch their long glossy hair. I eventually "got over", all that. Brushing my Grand daughters hair to soothe my "mothering nerves".
And I promised myself at Camp Eden, after finding me again, July, this year, (They make you write down 3 goals for the next 12 months- and chase you up to see how you are going)I would write a book in 12 months, be fit and well and have a full time Partner, not someone I would necessarily marry or live with, but just someone to go to the beach and out with, take on holiday, or introduce to my kids, just someone I adored and they me and we would be happy just hanging out. I was over the Friends with benefits situation I was in and had been for the last 3 years. One with a man that I refer to as Big, because he is, more powerful than any Man I have known, and more busy and a young man, only 33, who was suffering from Tourettes and was spiritual and sweet and like to hang out with me listening to music. He trusted me and I told him I thought he had tourettes, and his religious (Strict seventh Day Adventist ) family convinced him he was "special" Protecting him and babying him and inside he was a Man.
He was and is like a Greek God to look at. His healthy well exercised body attracting women to him and he would rebuff them , preferring me, Mother like, to talk to and visit. He was "special" but not in the way his Family saw him, he was quiet and gentle and spiritual and child like and so very comforting to talk to. I have known Clint since he was a cheeky little boy of 2, peeping out at me from his room, born to friends of Bob's and mine, years after they thought there were no more babies coming along. Dennis and Suzanne were Ivan Muncin's sister and Brother In Law. Ivan Muncin, my brother George's friend from when he was 19. We all hung out in those days. Ivan and Dennis mad gamblers on the horses, Dennis and Suzanne had a daughter, Maria, and then ten years or so later came two little cheeky, spoilt boys born within a year of each other. Clint and Dean. Clint being the older.
Dennis the last time we saw him had lost a lot of weight, he was a big drinker in the old days and a big man in weight and temper, ruling his family and the long suffering Suzanne. But he had become small, all his drinking, bluff and bluster gone, he had diabetes, and had gone down hill. I wasn't to know that, until he died how very ill he was. He took his meds at first and then "Found religion" in a massive way and stopped taking meds for five years and died a young man. God hadn't helped him, Clint said. Clint became depressed after his Father died, not leaving his room for one year, pretty much. And finally his Mother took him to a doctor (not something you do often, when you are seventh Day Adventist) and he was diagnosed with "A Chemical imbalance", not Depression the word, no mention of the Tourettes.
So he grew up magnificent except for his "specialness" and I think he liked the attention that afforded him and could be silly with it sometimes, playing it up when it suited him. Ivan had brought him around one night in Spring. I had a big house in Noble Park then, taking in International students to help pay the rent. Yvette had not long left, after staying with me on and off while pregnant with Acer and Mara came too leaving her hubby with the kids, working full time and seeing a new man. She was "in love", big time and I was not happy after a while as the kids, her kids were not with her and the "boyfriend" was the only star in her sky at that time. (I have been a single parent to 4 girls for 21 years now and it can get very wearing, and Mara was harder work than any, as she wasn't "mine". )
But she was off out one night, with the new beau and I was getting heartily sick of her growing narcissism, aided and abetted by the drippy boyfriend. So I opened the door one night to Ivan Muncin who just happened to live a few houses down the road from me. I had avoided catching up with him for a while, because Ivan is lovely but can be sleazy and disparaging of women. But I had gone to see him a few days earlier having taken Mara in but finding her and the boyfriends obsession with each other a bit cloying and controlling, Mara's husband had been the same and it seemed to feed Mara's over whelming need to be noticed. So There was Ivan with a six pack and a Man standing beside him. And he casually introduced him as,
"You remember Clint, my Nephew, don't you, Janette. Dennis and Suzanne's son.
And there standing on the step was an Adonis. The cheeky little boy gone and a Man standing there.
Mara behind me had groaned aloud when she saw Ivan at the front door and i hushed her as I opened the fly wire, she had turned her back and walked away, so I grabbed her back and introduced her to both men. Suddenly she disappeared into the bathroom, saying she was not going out after all. And she reappeared in the back garden where we had decided to sit, enjoy the Spring evening with a cold beer and a chat. her hair was done, makeup applied and she was clearly interested in the Adonis, Clint. But he just kept talking to me and ignored Mara pretty much. I was happy I thought her interest might lead her away from the obsessive husband and boyfriend. She decided to leave and when I asked her why, said, referring obliquely to Clint,
"He;s not interested in me, he's interested in you"
well, that was just ridiculous, I thought, he's 33 and I'm a grandmother, hallo. I liked talking to him, he was sharply intelligent and thoughtful, shy at first then becoming more relaxed in company. Ivan and I had the same idea, match up Clint and Mara. But Clint told Ivan he was not the least attracted to Mara and he was just fine as he was. He hadn't had many girlfriends, one an asian girl spurning him, which he was little hurt over, but no big deal. So we remained in the lush Spring evening, playing music and drinking and chatting about old times. Clint and I drifting over to the Computer and downloading favourite songs from Youtube, revelling in the fact that because of his dad, he liked my music and I his, hearing it from My kids and Grandkids.
Mara kept on in her own way and I settled in for Spring and Halloween and Christmas. A new grandchild, born, a holiday in Qld For Christmas to look forward to. My divinely lovely Father In Law had just died, suddenly and Acer born on My Dad's birthday was making for a divine mess of reaction in all of us, we were all emotional, the girls and I, losing "Tiny", their much loved Grandad after losing their other much loved Grandad Ernie years before. Mara was present for all, my dad's death, her Dad's death, and now Tiny, it was unbearable for a while. And I was finding her behaviour unbearable and one day I lost it and told her to leave. If her children weren't her first priority I didn't want to know her. I had enough. The boys had been once in all those months, she finding it easier to be controlled by her ex husbands tantrums and self proclaimed custody of her two boys. And her boyfriend only interested in her, not the "boys".
So she left muttering loudly, didn't i see that she mattered, and yvette too was having her tantrums, so I decided then to leave them well alone. I had my own life to get on with and one night I drifted up to the Muncin's house, seeking company and solace and there was Clint again, and Ivan pissed as usual but happy to see me and we talked and laughed until the wee hours and Clint insisted on walking me home along the shadowy street. there was a violent alcoholic living a few doors from me and I was running a big house on my own. It was a lovely street in Noble Park but we had lots of elderly residents who were a tad nutty. Some of them Yugoslavs who were involved in vicious snits with each other, culminating in punches thrown or hurling bricks over each others fences. I wasn't that worried knowing Ivan was just up the street, and right outside the violent alcoholics house, Clint decided to sweep me up and kiss me, not like a child, like a Man.
I was aghast at first, thinking he was just being silly. But he wasn't and he made me make a choice right then and there, was he a child or a man? I had no idea and didn't really want to think about it. I just pushed him away, murmuring to him not to be silly, I was old enough to be his Mother, his Mother was my age. He and I went in to my house and turned on the music and chatted again, but he was distressed, I could tell, his Tourettes becoming more pronounced. It was never that big a deal, his tourettes, he just acted jokingly and masked it well. I have never seen Clint in a bad mood, his mood is always the same, calm placed, joking, sly, and sweet. Always sweet. So we stayed listening to music and he left to go and sleep at home. He had a beautiful hotted up car, worked hard physically and was a solid and engaging worker. He loved all his family with a passion and that Spring we spent a lot of time together.
I didn't see Mara for a few months, she left the Hubby, got her kids back and I was happy, and shared a house with Ivan Muncin's niece, Pauline, and her darling little boy, single Mum's together. And there was no great divide between Mara and I except she had started to behave narcissisticly a lot by then. Convinced every man was in love with her, Clint's friend Ralph, a Spaniard, who was funny and wicked and "full of himself", like Mara, hung out with her. As did Ivan Strattsy, a big smoker and all round nice bear like guy, often both visiting the house to see Pauline. After our row I caught up with Mara at the local pub, she was surrounded by men and convinced they were all "after" her, she eyes rolling in mock fury at their unwanted attention. So I decided watching Alena and Yvette who were just getting on with their lives, to teach Mars Bar a bit of a lesson in humility. Just a sly nudge.
I called her over,
"Mara",
she rolled her eyes and came over to our table, instantly complaining she was getting way too much attention from these "Pub Louts", she didn't need it and her boyfriend was a Manager, this fact seemed to fascinate Mara, (fancy her, a former junkie, getting a Manager for a boyfriend. ) we marvelled with her, Yvette and Alena and I, and then I whispered into her ear,
"I have something to tell you, and I am not sure how to tell you"
Mara was bristling with anticipation, now, fairly avid and leaned in closer to the table, the better to hear me in the pub hubbub,
I've made a huge mistake and I don't know what to do"
"What?", she asked eagerly. I didn't make mistakes often , so it had to be something juicy.
I leaned in closer so that Alena And Yvette could not hear me,
"I slept with Clint"
Her face went through an alarmingly quick transformation.
She certainly wasn't happy for me, she went red, then white, tried to take a breathe, failed, her look was instantly revolted, angry and jealous. A "how he dare go for you, you old thing, when I who am young, lovely, "Hot", he rudely spurned. The look was worth a million dollars and I sat back very satisfied. I'm sorry to be so mean, but she was out of control and needed pulling backa peg or two. (And never forget dear reader, i am the Mother. ) Mara and my girls forget that sometimes, I am not that much older than them in age, one of my good friends Helena a little older than my oldest child.
And for years through Bob's stupid control, he had taught the girls to disregard my opinion, trying to keep them on side, his side, and I just thought he was an extremely irritating and negative person and didn't give a fig for his opinion or theirs. I was the Mother and the time would come when they would know that. Me screaming at them, I had given birth to them, not the other way round. I had put up with unbearable shit for them and they owed me to behave and have happy productive lives. or else. Ok, Lauren had died but we could either drown along with her, metaphorically or we could live happily and productive lives, without harming others and Mara was harming others, with her silly boosted up pretentiousness and that behaviour does not belong in my world.
She was back to being friends with me then and that was Ok. The boyfriend was still around, still telling her he wanted to be her tampon. and she lapped it up after years of being neglected, by a hubby that didn't work and she did. She settled in to her new house and the boys were happy and so was I. I didn't like the boyfriend, he seemed the part, all teeth and sweetness to Mara but pushing the rest of us away almost maniacally, and we all took a back seat and waited it out, sure it would all die a natural death, a rebound relationship, a "road out" as Syl, my old friend called them, an 'escape route". But he remained and I think she is till with him, I finally don't see Mara anymore and it's not something I boo hoo over.
For some strange reason last year she decided to hang around with some cast off friends of Alena's and as one of the ringleaders decided to take it on herself to bash Alena senseless one night along with ten others, who had all met before that night at dinner, hours before committing the deed, and Mara was one of the honoured guests at dinner. So we all decided to "wipe her", Debbie and Yvette "'wiping' her years before but waiting for us Alena and I to be finally finished with her. Alena took out a restraing order on the bullying behemoth and darling sweet little Mara came to the court case, to support her friend of six months. and not her "sister" who had taken her in at 13. So I stood in front of her in court and lowered my glasses and stared at this so called "daughter " of mine, who I had looked after for 21 years. Laughing with a 17 year old at Alena's injuries and as I stared I realised I was looking at evil, pure unadulterated evil and jealousy. Mara's eyes shone with it and she couldn't look at me at first, trying a sly cocky shake of her head, at first and I just kept on staring.
"What?",
she asked and the 17 year old next to her shook with laughter at Mara's naughty daring.
And she was gone then, gone from my heart, mind and memory, gone and I was glad. The bullying violent woman bowing down for the Judge and accepting the restraining order almost as a benediction. There is an assault case to come and I will speak no more of it until that ordeal is also over, a squib after the fireworks of the restraining order and Mara's profound betrayal. I hope she humbles herself one day and realises just what she has done, but I doubt it. Yelling out to me she was going to see my ex husband, Bob, and tell him about me. And maybe she did as I am now according to him, going out with Clint and dating Ivan Muncin, I notice no mention of BIG, but that would be too much for him to bear, wouldn't it? Me, the ex, he would rather see dead I am sure, than happy but I don't give a rats arse, sometimes deliciously fanning the lies that light his world of my perfidity. And I live a wonderful life, I really do. Surrounded by all my kids and grand kids and family and friends, my writing, my loves and maybe more additions to my family next year. I can always do with more money, everyone can, easing the path and being able to make choices.
I will never again associate money with disaster, money is a form of exchange in the world, my old boss, David at Pioneer Mortgages told me, and 85% of the population have no idea at handling it well. And a problem with money usually going hand in hand with how you had it or a lack of it as a child. Or maybe you were just a sensitive little girl, like me, that associated it with death. I have no idea, my 2 brothers and sister have no problem with it, very successful with money and I learned from that. And I learned from Big, that money can be very nice also. I didn't want to be a success or wealthy, I always wanted a family, now I realise I can have both and the sky is not going to fall in for this Henny Penny and that makes me very happy love janette
I learned at 5, after Jamie died, that we were rich before he died and then we were poor, outstandingly so. Moving around at, (to me) Mum and Dad's whim, and it was not fair on us kids, new schools, new houses, new friends, and never talking of what had gone before.
I began about then to display a "nervous" disposition. I bit my nails till they bled and did till I was 40 and divorced. I constantly spelled entire sentences and words in my head but reversing them and spelling them backwards. I also did that for years, and tearing strips, tiny scraps off paper and eating it and eating the ends of my hair.
I became a very anxious little girl, disaster was going to befall us, unless I kept up my "little rituals" up, not stepping on cracks, throwing salt over my shoulder, if salt was spilt, not allowed to pray to a God, I might have believed in, giving me comfort in times of stress.
Mum becoming an Atheist after Jamie died, an anagnostic, she said and before that both my parents had been regular church goers. But the one constant I had in the whirling teeming mess after Jamie died, was my intellect.
So when I went to new schools, I would excel, that was my way of being noticed. I would read for days, 15 books at a time, and aged, only 7, I could not get enough of the written word, and when others in my class were reading Janet and John I was allowed (after a visit from My Mother to the teachers) to read any book I wanted from the library.
So I did, I chose books that young adults were reading and was in heaven and it's still the best present I can get, a book. It's like chocolate for others, to me, being given a book. I will retire and read it all at one go, not resting, walking around with it, still reading, or delay finishing by promising myself, work first, then reading. So I will get all my work done and then sit with the book, reading, not eating, not drinking, just the book and I until we are done with each other.
And libraries are my place of worship, surrounded as I am with all that intelligence, and I wander the aisles, letting the books come to me, a biography here, a novel there, a private detective novel ( my favourite) there, non fiction on all subjects.
And annoyingly I retain a lot of it, even if I speed read, which I do. Scanning page after page and scanning it into my memory, where it stays and pops up when I need it. I have no idea why I am like this, I was born this way. The first two years of my life, no memory of at all. But from then on I remember things that have happened to me or my family in detail.
Not judging, just allowing memory to come flooding out, remembering everything, important or not. And when I do I am the little girl, or the bigger one, or the teenager, young Mother, young wife, grandmother. I sometimes use props to help, music the best, music of the era or photos are good too, and styles from an era, the fifties, sixties, seventies, eighties.
And when Bob and I had so much money we could have papered walls with it. Lauren died. Just like Jamie did, after my parents became wealthy. And for years I have neurotically associated money with disaster, wanting only enough to exist, to "get by".
And because Bob was so intent on punishing us for asking him to leave, after he controlled us for years, we have never received even as much as a kind word from him in 21 years. The girls paid for their own weddings, and Debbie, Bob's clear favorite child would not have him at her wedding, getting Kyle to give her away, aged 8. I begged her then to reconsider, I didn't want him in my life, in any capacity, but he was the Father, her father, bur Deb being Deb would not budge and I admire her strength.
Alena insisted he was there for hers, borrowing the money from him to get married in a six week time frame, and her and her hubby, Dean, paying him back every cent, right down to the last two hundred dollars, and there was no way he would let them have even that, the last small gesture. Alena's hubby wanted it that way, he never wanted to owe the man, having worked for many years for him and being sacked by Bob, when Dean's younger brother, died and Dean as the head of the Family, Maori family, was expected to be there for his Family. But it was Easter, Bob had a job to finish and Dean took an extra day to finish all the Funeral and Burial arrangements. So he sacked him, just like that. Dean would never trust him again and Bob has asked him at times to go back and work for him and Dean always says, No.
So I didn't want money, associating it with sudden death. Now I know I was being neurotic, then. Since then I've had a fair bit of counseling, I have good friends, very good friends I can vent to. Friends I have had since 16, Kerrie Hancock, we loved each other at first sight, she was only 6, but as smart as a whip. Karin Berry since I was 18 and she 14, Robyn Gould since I was 20, Laure Stark since I was 19, Sylvia too since I was 19, and Gayle Froud since I was 22 they let me cry sometimes just being quiet and being there for me, appalled and silent. Kerry Froud does it for me too. She was there from the womb, waiting for Lauren, waiting to be her lifelong friend. Kerry also came from a wealthy priveliged background too and chose the poverty lost world for years. And then just yesterday we spent a day together, Grand Final day 2011. Reminiscing about Mandy Hawkins, Simon's older sister, dying the night before in her sleep, aged 39, both knowing her from young. And saddened and shocked we spoke of old times, sharing memories and crying a little. Collingwood lost, disappointing us a little but nothing seemed to matter, except for Mandy at peace, and sadly leaving 3 children.
And we examined our own lives, finally liking ourselves and I decided against lecturing her, as is my wont, and just accepted her as she is, not as I think she should be. She's 34, now, just as Lauren would have been. She's not married, nor had a child yet, but she's still Kerry, the little girl I knew as Lauren's best Friend, adult now. I found it hard for years to deal with Kerry, seeing her as Lauren's torch bearer, every time I saw her it hurt. Hurt. And for years, I couldn't deal with 12 year old girls, jealous they were alive and my 12 year old wasn't. I looked at young girls in Supermarkets with long hair and I was jealous then too, resisting the urge to touch their long glossy hair. I eventually "got over", all that. Brushing my Grand daughters hair to soothe my "mothering nerves".
And I promised myself at Camp Eden, after finding me again, July, this year, (They make you write down 3 goals for the next 12 months- and chase you up to see how you are going)I would write a book in 12 months, be fit and well and have a full time Partner, not someone I would necessarily marry or live with, but just someone to go to the beach and out with, take on holiday, or introduce to my kids, just someone I adored and they me and we would be happy just hanging out. I was over the Friends with benefits situation I was in and had been for the last 3 years. One with a man that I refer to as Big, because he is, more powerful than any Man I have known, and more busy and a young man, only 33, who was suffering from Tourettes and was spiritual and sweet and like to hang out with me listening to music. He trusted me and I told him I thought he had tourettes, and his religious (Strict seventh Day Adventist ) family convinced him he was "special" Protecting him and babying him and inside he was a Man.
He was and is like a Greek God to look at. His healthy well exercised body attracting women to him and he would rebuff them , preferring me, Mother like, to talk to and visit. He was "special" but not in the way his Family saw him, he was quiet and gentle and spiritual and child like and so very comforting to talk to. I have known Clint since he was a cheeky little boy of 2, peeping out at me from his room, born to friends of Bob's and mine, years after they thought there were no more babies coming along. Dennis and Suzanne were Ivan Muncin's sister and Brother In Law. Ivan Muncin, my brother George's friend from when he was 19. We all hung out in those days. Ivan and Dennis mad gamblers on the horses, Dennis and Suzanne had a daughter, Maria, and then ten years or so later came two little cheeky, spoilt boys born within a year of each other. Clint and Dean. Clint being the older.
Dennis the last time we saw him had lost a lot of weight, he was a big drinker in the old days and a big man in weight and temper, ruling his family and the long suffering Suzanne. But he had become small, all his drinking, bluff and bluster gone, he had diabetes, and had gone down hill. I wasn't to know that, until he died how very ill he was. He took his meds at first and then "Found religion" in a massive way and stopped taking meds for five years and died a young man. God hadn't helped him, Clint said. Clint became depressed after his Father died, not leaving his room for one year, pretty much. And finally his Mother took him to a doctor (not something you do often, when you are seventh Day Adventist) and he was diagnosed with "A Chemical imbalance", not Depression the word, no mention of the Tourettes.
So he grew up magnificent except for his "specialness" and I think he liked the attention that afforded him and could be silly with it sometimes, playing it up when it suited him. Ivan had brought him around one night in Spring. I had a big house in Noble Park then, taking in International students to help pay the rent. Yvette had not long left, after staying with me on and off while pregnant with Acer and Mara came too leaving her hubby with the kids, working full time and seeing a new man. She was "in love", big time and I was not happy after a while as the kids, her kids were not with her and the "boyfriend" was the only star in her sky at that time. (I have been a single parent to 4 girls for 21 years now and it can get very wearing, and Mara was harder work than any, as she wasn't "mine". )
But she was off out one night, with the new beau and I was getting heartily sick of her growing narcissism, aided and abetted by the drippy boyfriend. So I opened the door one night to Ivan Muncin who just happened to live a few houses down the road from me. I had avoided catching up with him for a while, because Ivan is lovely but can be sleazy and disparaging of women. But I had gone to see him a few days earlier having taken Mara in but finding her and the boyfriends obsession with each other a bit cloying and controlling, Mara's husband had been the same and it seemed to feed Mara's over whelming need to be noticed. So There was Ivan with a six pack and a Man standing beside him. And he casually introduced him as,
"You remember Clint, my Nephew, don't you, Janette. Dennis and Suzanne's son.
And there standing on the step was an Adonis. The cheeky little boy gone and a Man standing there.
Mara behind me had groaned aloud when she saw Ivan at the front door and i hushed her as I opened the fly wire, she had turned her back and walked away, so I grabbed her back and introduced her to both men. Suddenly she disappeared into the bathroom, saying she was not going out after all. And she reappeared in the back garden where we had decided to sit, enjoy the Spring evening with a cold beer and a chat. her hair was done, makeup applied and she was clearly interested in the Adonis, Clint. But he just kept talking to me and ignored Mara pretty much. I was happy I thought her interest might lead her away from the obsessive husband and boyfriend. She decided to leave and when I asked her why, said, referring obliquely to Clint,
"He;s not interested in me, he's interested in you"
well, that was just ridiculous, I thought, he's 33 and I'm a grandmother, hallo. I liked talking to him, he was sharply intelligent and thoughtful, shy at first then becoming more relaxed in company. Ivan and I had the same idea, match up Clint and Mara. But Clint told Ivan he was not the least attracted to Mara and he was just fine as he was. He hadn't had many girlfriends, one an asian girl spurning him, which he was little hurt over, but no big deal. So we remained in the lush Spring evening, playing music and drinking and chatting about old times. Clint and I drifting over to the Computer and downloading favourite songs from Youtube, revelling in the fact that because of his dad, he liked my music and I his, hearing it from My kids and Grandkids.
Mara kept on in her own way and I settled in for Spring and Halloween and Christmas. A new grandchild, born, a holiday in Qld For Christmas to look forward to. My divinely lovely Father In Law had just died, suddenly and Acer born on My Dad's birthday was making for a divine mess of reaction in all of us, we were all emotional, the girls and I, losing "Tiny", their much loved Grandad after losing their other much loved Grandad Ernie years before. Mara was present for all, my dad's death, her Dad's death, and now Tiny, it was unbearable for a while. And I was finding her behaviour unbearable and one day I lost it and told her to leave. If her children weren't her first priority I didn't want to know her. I had enough. The boys had been once in all those months, she finding it easier to be controlled by her ex husbands tantrums and self proclaimed custody of her two boys. And her boyfriend only interested in her, not the "boys".
So she left muttering loudly, didn't i see that she mattered, and yvette too was having her tantrums, so I decided then to leave them well alone. I had my own life to get on with and one night I drifted up to the Muncin's house, seeking company and solace and there was Clint again, and Ivan pissed as usual but happy to see me and we talked and laughed until the wee hours and Clint insisted on walking me home along the shadowy street. there was a violent alcoholic living a few doors from me and I was running a big house on my own. It was a lovely street in Noble Park but we had lots of elderly residents who were a tad nutty. Some of them Yugoslavs who were involved in vicious snits with each other, culminating in punches thrown or hurling bricks over each others fences. I wasn't that worried knowing Ivan was just up the street, and right outside the violent alcoholics house, Clint decided to sweep me up and kiss me, not like a child, like a Man.
I was aghast at first, thinking he was just being silly. But he wasn't and he made me make a choice right then and there, was he a child or a man? I had no idea and didn't really want to think about it. I just pushed him away, murmuring to him not to be silly, I was old enough to be his Mother, his Mother was my age. He and I went in to my house and turned on the music and chatted again, but he was distressed, I could tell, his Tourettes becoming more pronounced. It was never that big a deal, his tourettes, he just acted jokingly and masked it well. I have never seen Clint in a bad mood, his mood is always the same, calm placed, joking, sly, and sweet. Always sweet. So we stayed listening to music and he left to go and sleep at home. He had a beautiful hotted up car, worked hard physically and was a solid and engaging worker. He loved all his family with a passion and that Spring we spent a lot of time together.
I didn't see Mara for a few months, she left the Hubby, got her kids back and I was happy, and shared a house with Ivan Muncin's niece, Pauline, and her darling little boy, single Mum's together. And there was no great divide between Mara and I except she had started to behave narcissisticly a lot by then. Convinced every man was in love with her, Clint's friend Ralph, a Spaniard, who was funny and wicked and "full of himself", like Mara, hung out with her. As did Ivan Strattsy, a big smoker and all round nice bear like guy, often both visiting the house to see Pauline. After our row I caught up with Mara at the local pub, she was surrounded by men and convinced they were all "after" her, she eyes rolling in mock fury at their unwanted attention. So I decided watching Alena and Yvette who were just getting on with their lives, to teach Mars Bar a bit of a lesson in humility. Just a sly nudge.
I called her over,
"Mara",
she rolled her eyes and came over to our table, instantly complaining she was getting way too much attention from these "Pub Louts", she didn't need it and her boyfriend was a Manager, this fact seemed to fascinate Mara, (fancy her, a former junkie, getting a Manager for a boyfriend. ) we marvelled with her, Yvette and Alena and I, and then I whispered into her ear,
"I have something to tell you, and I am not sure how to tell you"
Mara was bristling with anticipation, now, fairly avid and leaned in closer to the table, the better to hear me in the pub hubbub,
I've made a huge mistake and I don't know what to do"
"What?", she asked eagerly. I didn't make mistakes often , so it had to be something juicy.
I leaned in closer so that Alena And Yvette could not hear me,
"I slept with Clint"
Her face went through an alarmingly quick transformation.
She certainly wasn't happy for me, she went red, then white, tried to take a breathe, failed, her look was instantly revolted, angry and jealous. A "how he dare go for you, you old thing, when I who am young, lovely, "Hot", he rudely spurned. The look was worth a million dollars and I sat back very satisfied. I'm sorry to be so mean, but she was out of control and needed pulling backa peg or two. (And never forget dear reader, i am the Mother. ) Mara and my girls forget that sometimes, I am not that much older than them in age, one of my good friends Helena a little older than my oldest child.
And for years through Bob's stupid control, he had taught the girls to disregard my opinion, trying to keep them on side, his side, and I just thought he was an extremely irritating and negative person and didn't give a fig for his opinion or theirs. I was the Mother and the time would come when they would know that. Me screaming at them, I had given birth to them, not the other way round. I had put up with unbearable shit for them and they owed me to behave and have happy productive lives. or else. Ok, Lauren had died but we could either drown along with her, metaphorically or we could live happily and productive lives, without harming others and Mara was harming others, with her silly boosted up pretentiousness and that behaviour does not belong in my world.
She was back to being friends with me then and that was Ok. The boyfriend was still around, still telling her he wanted to be her tampon. and she lapped it up after years of being neglected, by a hubby that didn't work and she did. She settled in to her new house and the boys were happy and so was I. I didn't like the boyfriend, he seemed the part, all teeth and sweetness to Mara but pushing the rest of us away almost maniacally, and we all took a back seat and waited it out, sure it would all die a natural death, a rebound relationship, a "road out" as Syl, my old friend called them, an 'escape route". But he remained and I think she is till with him, I finally don't see Mara anymore and it's not something I boo hoo over.
For some strange reason last year she decided to hang around with some cast off friends of Alena's and as one of the ringleaders decided to take it on herself to bash Alena senseless one night along with ten others, who had all met before that night at dinner, hours before committing the deed, and Mara was one of the honoured guests at dinner. So we all decided to "wipe her", Debbie and Yvette "'wiping' her years before but waiting for us Alena and I to be finally finished with her. Alena took out a restraing order on the bullying behemoth and darling sweet little Mara came to the court case, to support her friend of six months. and not her "sister" who had taken her in at 13. So I stood in front of her in court and lowered my glasses and stared at this so called "daughter " of mine, who I had looked after for 21 years. Laughing with a 17 year old at Alena's injuries and as I stared I realised I was looking at evil, pure unadulterated evil and jealousy. Mara's eyes shone with it and she couldn't look at me at first, trying a sly cocky shake of her head, at first and I just kept on staring.
"What?",
she asked and the 17 year old next to her shook with laughter at Mara's naughty daring.
And she was gone then, gone from my heart, mind and memory, gone and I was glad. The bullying violent woman bowing down for the Judge and accepting the restraining order almost as a benediction. There is an assault case to come and I will speak no more of it until that ordeal is also over, a squib after the fireworks of the restraining order and Mara's profound betrayal. I hope she humbles herself one day and realises just what she has done, but I doubt it. Yelling out to me she was going to see my ex husband, Bob, and tell him about me. And maybe she did as I am now according to him, going out with Clint and dating Ivan Muncin, I notice no mention of BIG, but that would be too much for him to bear, wouldn't it? Me, the ex, he would rather see dead I am sure, than happy but I don't give a rats arse, sometimes deliciously fanning the lies that light his world of my perfidity. And I live a wonderful life, I really do. Surrounded by all my kids and grand kids and family and friends, my writing, my loves and maybe more additions to my family next year. I can always do with more money, everyone can, easing the path and being able to make choices.
I will never again associate money with disaster, money is a form of exchange in the world, my old boss, David at Pioneer Mortgages told me, and 85% of the population have no idea at handling it well. And a problem with money usually going hand in hand with how you had it or a lack of it as a child. Or maybe you were just a sensitive little girl, like me, that associated it with death. I have no idea, my 2 brothers and sister have no problem with it, very successful with money and I learned from that. And I learned from Big, that money can be very nice also. I didn't want to be a success or wealthy, I always wanted a family, now I realise I can have both and the sky is not going to fall in for this Henny Penny and that makes me very happy love janette
