Cheating Is it Normal ???????
Without Prejudice
Infidelity is gut wrenching. It's horrible and you think that once you find your partner cheating the world will end. But it doesn't. In fact only 11 percent of relationships fail because of infidelity, however 27% fail because of Money. Doesn't that seem unbelievable. I gleaned those facts from Relationships Australia website 2011.
And what is odd is how many times do you hear people say,
"If I caught my partner cheating, that's it, I'd leave them or get them to leave, I'd never ever forgive that person blah blah blah. The thing is with long term relationships is that you might cheat. You might feel ignored or hurt, you might be feeling your age or feeling less attractive, but most infidelity is based on fear.
It's the ultimate betrayal between a couple, but infidelity does not need to be the end of your relationship or your sanity.
When Sarah* became suspicious of her husband's behaviour, she wanted proof that he was cheating. She obtained spy software for the home computer and discovered he was sending and receiving emails from a woman via a secret Gmail account. Instead of confronting her husband, Sarah engaged the services of a private investigator and provided details of a business meeting her husband said he was attending on the Gold Coast. Investigators obtained covert video of Sarah's husband having dinner with a woman then going to a hotel room together. The next morning when her husband said he had scheduled a game of golf with clients, the couple were filmed enjoying a shopping trip and lunch. Sarah got the proof she was looking for and was devastated.
With 44 per cent of people admitting to cheating in a relationship, according to this year's Great Australian Sex Census — infidelity is widespread and suspicious partners are turning to technology to catch them out.
Rewind and play that number again 44 Percent, that's almost half the population at any given time are cheating on their partner. So if insecure why would you be in a long term relationship? A girlfriend and I discussed this realistically a while ago. Both of us agreed, honestly that one Man was not enough, we had always had a minimum of two men in our lives.
I was shocked at her, she was shocked at me but it was true. I have not always been faithful to the men in my relationships. Shocker ! But then I am in the same compnay as 44 % of the Population and here was me thinking I was the only one. Lol . How can any one person fulfil every need ? They can't. Just as we can't fulfil every need in someone else. But when I was young, Oh My God, the buckets of tears I would cry out of jealouy if my husband so much as looked at another woman.
Clinical psychologist Dr Seth Meyers, writing in Psychology Today, says that checking up on a partner "seems to have become so common that people actually feel comfortable — or justified — to disclose such behaviour." Meyers highlights the dangers of snooping. "When someone reaches the point of secretly accessing their partner's voicemails, texts, and emails due to suspicions of infidelity, all has been lost in the relationship — regardless of whether the cheatee's investigation proves guilt or innocence. When someone starts breaking into his partner's phone, the cheatee reduces himself or herself to desperate actions and often ends up engaging in the same kind of inappropriate behavior that the cheater engaged in to begin with." Instead, the cheatee should behave with integrity, writes Meyers. "The number one goal in a relationship should be that you can say that you're proud of who you are in the relationship — that you're good, kind, and respectful. Even if you sense that the relationship is going to end because of your partner's cheating."
Dr Lissa Johnson, a Sydney based clinical psychologist agrees that snooping on a partner is counterproductive: "It is human and absolutely understandable to want to snoop when things feel awry in your relationship. And technology makes that much easier than it used to be, so it's tempting to let yourself lapse in a moment of weakness. However, the costs usually outweigh the short term relief." The long term costs she says are "your self-respect, the integrity of your relationship, your partner's trust in you and the emotional distance you create by going behind your partner's back. Ultimately, snooping to relieve your suspicion is like gambling to relieve stress. It might provide short term relief but it only inflames the original problem and can leave chaos in its wake."
Instead of spying, Johnson too recommends an honest approach. "At the heart of a healthy relationship is the willingness to confide, be vulnerable and honest, express feelings and needs in a respectful way, and to treat your partner's needs and vulnerabilities with care. Difficulties and conflict in relationships are opportunities for greater closeness – for learning about yourselves and each other, evolving as people, and finding out
how to better meet each others' needs. By snooping rather than confronting problems you are robbing your relationship of important opportunities to deepen and grow."
Infidelity can have a range of causes and often comes from a place of fear or pain, says Johnson. "There may be avoidance of conflict, fear of abandonment, fear of loss of self, insecurities about attractiveness, a need for approval or adulation, or a lack of other means of responding to problems in a relationship. The better you understand it, and the more support you get, the less likely you are to act recklessly."
Johnson admits the discovery of cheating partner can often elicit strong emotions and unleash the desire for revenge. "Betrayal can be excruciatingly painful, and that is human," says Johnson. "It is also human to be angry and to want to lash out. To avoid acting recklessly in the grip of strong emotion, find outlets for your feelings other than revenge or desperation," she advises. "Get support from people who care about you; talk about it with compassionate friends; write about it in a journal. Focus on making sense of the betrayal in a way that doesn't demonise or dehumanise anyone, yourself included."
Lyn Fletcher, Director of Operations for Relationships Australia NSW, also recommends thinking through the consequences before you act. "Don't deny your feelings but deal with them appropriately. Being angry and lashing out is not appropriate. You're doubling the problem by lashing out at the other person. That's not going to change their mind; in fact, all it's going to do is fuel the evidence that they've done the right thing."
However those who find themselves dealing with a cheating partner can take heart from Relationships Australia's Relationships Indicator 2011 report. It cites infidelity as the reason behind only 11 per cent of couples going their separate ways, implying that cheating is easier to overcome than financial difficulties, which, at 26 per cent, is the leading cause of break-ups. Fletcher agrees with the findings: "History is littered with betrayals, but only a very small percentage of couples don't survive adultery. Life goes on."
Relationships Australia has been a leading provider
Infidelity is gut wrenching. It's horrible and you think that once you find your partner cheating the world will end. But it doesn't. In fact only 11 percent of relationships fail because of infidelity, however 27% fail because of Money. Doesn't that seem unbelievable. I gleaned those facts from Relationships Australia website 2011.
And what is odd is how many times do you hear people say,
"If I caught my partner cheating, that's it, I'd leave them or get them to leave, I'd never ever forgive that person blah blah blah. The thing is with long term relationships is that you might cheat. You might feel ignored or hurt, you might be feeling your age or feeling less attractive, but most infidelity is based on fear.
It's the ultimate betrayal between a couple, but infidelity does not need to be the end of your relationship or your sanity.
When Sarah* became suspicious of her husband's behaviour, she wanted proof that he was cheating. She obtained spy software for the home computer and discovered he was sending and receiving emails from a woman via a secret Gmail account. Instead of confronting her husband, Sarah engaged the services of a private investigator and provided details of a business meeting her husband said he was attending on the Gold Coast. Investigators obtained covert video of Sarah's husband having dinner with a woman then going to a hotel room together. The next morning when her husband said he had scheduled a game of golf with clients, the couple were filmed enjoying a shopping trip and lunch. Sarah got the proof she was looking for and was devastated.
With 44 per cent of people admitting to cheating in a relationship, according to this year's Great Australian Sex Census — infidelity is widespread and suspicious partners are turning to technology to catch them out.
Rewind and play that number again 44 Percent, that's almost half the population at any given time are cheating on their partner. So if insecure why would you be in a long term relationship? A girlfriend and I discussed this realistically a while ago. Both of us agreed, honestly that one Man was not enough, we had always had a minimum of two men in our lives.
I was shocked at her, she was shocked at me but it was true. I have not always been faithful to the men in my relationships. Shocker ! But then I am in the same compnay as 44 % of the Population and here was me thinking I was the only one. Lol . How can any one person fulfil every need ? They can't. Just as we can't fulfil every need in someone else. But when I was young, Oh My God, the buckets of tears I would cry out of jealouy if my husband so much as looked at another woman.
Clinical psychologist Dr Seth Meyers, writing in Psychology Today, says that checking up on a partner "seems to have become so common that people actually feel comfortable — or justified — to disclose such behaviour." Meyers highlights the dangers of snooping. "When someone reaches the point of secretly accessing their partner's voicemails, texts, and emails due to suspicions of infidelity, all has been lost in the relationship — regardless of whether the cheatee's investigation proves guilt or innocence. When someone starts breaking into his partner's phone, the cheatee reduces himself or herself to desperate actions and often ends up engaging in the same kind of inappropriate behavior that the cheater engaged in to begin with." Instead, the cheatee should behave with integrity, writes Meyers. "The number one goal in a relationship should be that you can say that you're proud of who you are in the relationship — that you're good, kind, and respectful. Even if you sense that the relationship is going to end because of your partner's cheating."
Dr Lissa Johnson, a Sydney based clinical psychologist agrees that snooping on a partner is counterproductive: "It is human and absolutely understandable to want to snoop when things feel awry in your relationship. And technology makes that much easier than it used to be, so it's tempting to let yourself lapse in a moment of weakness. However, the costs usually outweigh the short term relief." The long term costs she says are "your self-respect, the integrity of your relationship, your partner's trust in you and the emotional distance you create by going behind your partner's back. Ultimately, snooping to relieve your suspicion is like gambling to relieve stress. It might provide short term relief but it only inflames the original problem and can leave chaos in its wake."
Instead of spying, Johnson too recommends an honest approach. "At the heart of a healthy relationship is the willingness to confide, be vulnerable and honest, express feelings and needs in a respectful way, and to treat your partner's needs and vulnerabilities with care. Difficulties and conflict in relationships are opportunities for greater closeness – for learning about yourselves and each other, evolving as people, and finding out
how to better meet each others' needs. By snooping rather than confronting problems you are robbing your relationship of important opportunities to deepen and grow."
Infidelity can have a range of causes and often comes from a place of fear or pain, says Johnson. "There may be avoidance of conflict, fear of abandonment, fear of loss of self, insecurities about attractiveness, a need for approval or adulation, or a lack of other means of responding to problems in a relationship. The better you understand it, and the more support you get, the less likely you are to act recklessly."
Johnson admits the discovery of cheating partner can often elicit strong emotions and unleash the desire for revenge. "Betrayal can be excruciatingly painful, and that is human," says Johnson. "It is also human to be angry and to want to lash out. To avoid acting recklessly in the grip of strong emotion, find outlets for your feelings other than revenge or desperation," she advises. "Get support from people who care about you; talk about it with compassionate friends; write about it in a journal. Focus on making sense of the betrayal in a way that doesn't demonise or dehumanise anyone, yourself included."
Lyn Fletcher, Director of Operations for Relationships Australia NSW, also recommends thinking through the consequences before you act. "Don't deny your feelings but deal with them appropriately. Being angry and lashing out is not appropriate. You're doubling the problem by lashing out at the other person. That's not going to change their mind; in fact, all it's going to do is fuel the evidence that they've done the right thing."
However those who find themselves dealing with a cheating partner can take heart from Relationships Australia's Relationships Indicator 2011 report. It cites infidelity as the reason behind only 11 per cent of couples going their separate ways, implying that cheating is easier to overcome than financial difficulties, which, at 26 per cent, is the leading cause of break-ups. Fletcher agrees with the findings: "History is littered with betrayals, but only a very small percentage of couples don't survive adultery. Life goes on."
Relationships Australia has been a leading provider
