Life at Times Can be A Painful Journey
Without Prejudice
There are times in everyones life where it can be painful. People die, relationships end, friendships move on. We can get sick or injured and at those times we have to call on deeper reserves of strength than we ever thought possible. How do we cope when the going gets tough? The road ahead seems full of treachery and storms. Do we give in, give up or do we go on with a different resolve, a bravery at times we don't feel. Just putting one foot in front of the other. Perverse and determined or do we hide under the doona and wish it would all go away?
I've done all of them. Hidden under the doona for the day with a sooky la la tiredness, jaded by life, misunderstood, misread, misinformed. I've eaten my way to unhappiness and happiness. Smoked for a nation and sought the answers in others minds and bodies. I've given up, thrown in the towel, listened to others answers for their lives. I've drank myself to oblivion and then had the next days stark reality of the porcelain bowl with a headache that pounds and pounds.
I've thrown up at parties and out of the back of cars. I've driven drunk as a lord and found my own way home. I've stalked off from bars and parties and houses, my head at last clear and only myself to blame for each drunken step. I've danced the light fantastic on cruise ships, club floors, in the middle of the Pacific, in the UK, in Ireland and Australia. I've been scared out of my wits and known happiness like no other. I've been brave and I've been cowardly.
I've been hard working and lazy. I've been bookish and then not been able to look at a written word for months. I've kissed and hugged and made love more times than I care to remember. And at times I wonder who am I and what am I here for. I've given birth 4 times and each time thought I was going to die. I've been on the receiving end of false friends and stung by hatred. I've been beaten, starved and raped. I have seen my girls in pain and been able to do nothing and something.
I've seen the worst in people, stared into the eyes of madness and rage. Been seconds away from death, fled like a coward and faced up to it bravely. It always hurts. Broken hearts hurt, people turning against you, hurts, a lot of life is about hurt and learning to detach. I have loved beyond all measure and had a child die. Nothing can hurt like that. I have turned my face to the wall and despaired and sobbed. I've given up and given in and I am still here.
He said he wanted to see me in the gutter. and I've been there and then some. I've lied and cheated and been jealous and the full gamut of emotions that any one human being can have. I have seen horror, terror and great beauty. Looked in my babies eyes and seen the world contained in there. I've run streets with my babies in my arms and had to defend them while my legs were shaking, jelly like in fear and adrenalin. I've been married, lived one day at a time and felt like I was acting in some strange play.
I've loved men all my life and have always known I was meant to be female. I also knew all my life I was meant to be a Mother, a flirt, a tease and superior to any man. All men have fatal flaws and all women are nurturing, caring and kind, usually!. I have championed the rights of others to my cost. I've been disappointed, let down and hurt physically, scarred mentally and hated in return. Some things are unforgivable, my foster daughter, is one. I've tried. She's not of my blood and therein lies all the difference.
She knows it, feels it, and allows her ghastly controlling boyfriend to run her life. At 36 she needs to know herself. I don't forgive Simon, either, he's had all the advantages known to Man and still chooses to put drugs before his kids. I've cried too many tears over the pair of them. From now on I look after me and mine and as I have a few that takes up most of my time.
One day a great man will come into my life and be looking in the same direction that I am. Up to the stars, to a better life, for me and for others. I won't compromise, I don't have to. I have me now, just me, the essential me, the loving kind and grateful me. The strong, the noble, the forgiving and justice me. And I am sure that life will deal me more painful blows, but I'll survive. I will survive.
Lots of Love,
Janette
There are times in everyones life where it can be painful. People die, relationships end, friendships move on. We can get sick or injured and at those times we have to call on deeper reserves of strength than we ever thought possible. How do we cope when the going gets tough? The road ahead seems full of treachery and storms. Do we give in, give up or do we go on with a different resolve, a bravery at times we don't feel. Just putting one foot in front of the other. Perverse and determined or do we hide under the doona and wish it would all go away?
I've done all of them. Hidden under the doona for the day with a sooky la la tiredness, jaded by life, misunderstood, misread, misinformed. I've eaten my way to unhappiness and happiness. Smoked for a nation and sought the answers in others minds and bodies. I've given up, thrown in the towel, listened to others answers for their lives. I've drank myself to oblivion and then had the next days stark reality of the porcelain bowl with a headache that pounds and pounds.
I've thrown up at parties and out of the back of cars. I've driven drunk as a lord and found my own way home. I've stalked off from bars and parties and houses, my head at last clear and only myself to blame for each drunken step. I've danced the light fantastic on cruise ships, club floors, in the middle of the Pacific, in the UK, in Ireland and Australia. I've been scared out of my wits and known happiness like no other. I've been brave and I've been cowardly.
I've been hard working and lazy. I've been bookish and then not been able to look at a written word for months. I've kissed and hugged and made love more times than I care to remember. And at times I wonder who am I and what am I here for. I've given birth 4 times and each time thought I was going to die. I've been on the receiving end of false friends and stung by hatred. I've been beaten, starved and raped. I have seen my girls in pain and been able to do nothing and something.
I've seen the worst in people, stared into the eyes of madness and rage. Been seconds away from death, fled like a coward and faced up to it bravely. It always hurts. Broken hearts hurt, people turning against you, hurts, a lot of life is about hurt and learning to detach. I have loved beyond all measure and had a child die. Nothing can hurt like that. I have turned my face to the wall and despaired and sobbed. I've given up and given in and I am still here.
He said he wanted to see me in the gutter. and I've been there and then some. I've lied and cheated and been jealous and the full gamut of emotions that any one human being can have. I have seen horror, terror and great beauty. Looked in my babies eyes and seen the world contained in there. I've run streets with my babies in my arms and had to defend them while my legs were shaking, jelly like in fear and adrenalin. I've been married, lived one day at a time and felt like I was acting in some strange play.
I've loved men all my life and have always known I was meant to be female. I also knew all my life I was meant to be a Mother, a flirt, a tease and superior to any man. All men have fatal flaws and all women are nurturing, caring and kind, usually!. I have championed the rights of others to my cost. I've been disappointed, let down and hurt physically, scarred mentally and hated in return. Some things are unforgivable, my foster daughter, is one. I've tried. She's not of my blood and therein lies all the difference.
She knows it, feels it, and allows her ghastly controlling boyfriend to run her life. At 36 she needs to know herself. I don't forgive Simon, either, he's had all the advantages known to Man and still chooses to put drugs before his kids. I've cried too many tears over the pair of them. From now on I look after me and mine and as I have a few that takes up most of my time.
One day a great man will come into my life and be looking in the same direction that I am. Up to the stars, to a better life, for me and for others. I won't compromise, I don't have to. I have me now, just me, the essential me, the loving kind and grateful me. The strong, the noble, the forgiving and justice me. And I am sure that life will deal me more painful blows, but I'll survive. I will survive.
Lots of Love,
Janette
