Fear Of Success
Without Prejudice
I used to fear success. I know that just before Jamie died, when I was 5 my Dad and Mum had been never better off. Then Jamie died and life as we knew it came to an end. We were no longer wealthy or happy, we were devastated. I know that success comes at a price. Or did know. Same when Lauren died, I never forget that I was so happy two weeks before. Our 1st grandchild was born, my life was blessed and then 2 things happened instantly. A car crashed into the back of me and 7 days later Lauren died. Was I too happy ? Was I too blessed?
I know now I was being neurotic. Success doesn't always come at a price. That in my child's brain of five I had begun to equate happiness with disaster. And when Lauren died too on exactly the same day of the year that Jamie had died, I felt cursed and damned for all time. Stupid when I think of it now. I feared happiness, feared having the good things in life. I thought they could be taken away from me in an instant. And that the pain of grief and misunderstanding threatened to overwhelm me.
I have had so many lovely things in my life now. The birth of my grand children and great grand child. great love. great friends who have been there for me through thick and thin. My girls that I put so much effort in to survived terrible things and still came out to be strong, compassionate and funny. All the things I wanted them to be. I just wanted them to be happy, just as my dying Father's wish for me.
It's been hard, sometimes so overwhelmingly hard. I prayed for my parents to come back at times. Never having a Mum I could run to after age 24. Not having a Dad who would talk to me with wisdom and want only what was best for me. But I carry them in my heart, as I do Jamie and Lauren. They spur me on with their innate intelligence and purpose. They must have been here for a reason and I take comfort in that.
I'm over sensitive. I always was. After Jamie died I became a fearful and overly sensitive little girl. I cried at each and every new school I went to. My Sister had to take me by the hand sobbing to each new class. There was no counselling in those days, no talking it through. No talk of Jamie who had been so much a part of our lives. No talk, just silence. I feared the silence and I feared the night.
I realise now that a child of 5 has no comprehension of death, I thought he was sleeping and that the people around me were mad. Jamie wasn't dead he was just sleeping. What a vulnerable age to lose a brother. I was already a shy child after that I became so shy I was almost catatonic. I suffered anxiety and dread. I couldn't sleep and worried about things that didn't matter. Fretted about them. Lay awake at night silently crying for something silly, tears sliding down my face and into my ears.
I was terrified that Mum and Dad would die. It was irrational and fearful but it was real to me.
My Joy, My Andrej xoxox
I used to fear success. I know that just before Jamie died, when I was 5 my Dad and Mum had been never better off. Then Jamie died and life as we knew it came to an end. We were no longer wealthy or happy, we were devastated. I know that success comes at a price. Or did know. Same when Lauren died, I never forget that I was so happy two weeks before. Our 1st grandchild was born, my life was blessed and then 2 things happened instantly. A car crashed into the back of me and 7 days later Lauren died. Was I too happy ? Was I too blessed?
I know now I was being neurotic. Success doesn't always come at a price. That in my child's brain of five I had begun to equate happiness with disaster. And when Lauren died too on exactly the same day of the year that Jamie had died, I felt cursed and damned for all time. Stupid when I think of it now. I feared happiness, feared having the good things in life. I thought they could be taken away from me in an instant. And that the pain of grief and misunderstanding threatened to overwhelm me.
I have had so many lovely things in my life now. The birth of my grand children and great grand child. great love. great friends who have been there for me through thick and thin. My girls that I put so much effort in to survived terrible things and still came out to be strong, compassionate and funny. All the things I wanted them to be. I just wanted them to be happy, just as my dying Father's wish for me.
It's been hard, sometimes so overwhelmingly hard. I prayed for my parents to come back at times. Never having a Mum I could run to after age 24. Not having a Dad who would talk to me with wisdom and want only what was best for me. But I carry them in my heart, as I do Jamie and Lauren. They spur me on with their innate intelligence and purpose. They must have been here for a reason and I take comfort in that.
I'm over sensitive. I always was. After Jamie died I became a fearful and overly sensitive little girl. I cried at each and every new school I went to. My Sister had to take me by the hand sobbing to each new class. There was no counselling in those days, no talking it through. No talk of Jamie who had been so much a part of our lives. No talk, just silence. I feared the silence and I feared the night.
I realise now that a child of 5 has no comprehension of death, I thought he was sleeping and that the people around me were mad. Jamie wasn't dead he was just sleeping. What a vulnerable age to lose a brother. I was already a shy child after that I became so shy I was almost catatonic. I suffered anxiety and dread. I couldn't sleep and worried about things that didn't matter. Fretted about them. Lay awake at night silently crying for something silly, tears sliding down my face and into my ears.
I was terrified that Mum and Dad would die. It was irrational and fearful but it was real to me.
