Understanding And Forgiving
Without Prejudice
Wouldn't it be nice to take a pill and wipe out memory? Especially heartache. I would give anything for that. Just so that you don't have to feel it anymore.
They say that time heals, I know time heals nothing. In fact it gets worse with time but it becomes more personal. I am only better physically away from it. I then can deal with it better. But Birthdays and anniversaries are always going to hurt. That's so normal. But I still wish there was a pill I could take to wipe out the hurt and the memories. There was talk years ago of probing the brain and zapping the part that remembers the pain of losing. That all that could be wiped. What would that be like? Better I think, a curtain on the past, taking away the damaged part. No more to dwell in the land of remembrance.
But that would also take away the joy, the love, the laughter, the essential goodness, she brought. The love we uphold, the hope we give to others, the sheer joy of her being, and being kissed, hugged, adored by her.
Ah, such a conundrum! There is nothing you can do, six words I hate but so true. There is nothing you can do. Nothing you can say, just nothing, so all you can do is go forward in hope. A different person, tempered by fire, burnt by it, almost destroyed by it. But you refuse to give in, give up, so you go forward to a brand new day and a brand new life, never forgetting but putting it in a manageable place. Its called the exquisite agony. And is mine for the remembering. For the understanding and ultimately mine for the forgiving.
She was naughty probably for the first time in her young life and it was a fatal mistake. But she would never have meant it to cause so much pain, so much exquisite agony, she was a child out on an adventure that went terribly wrong, fatally wrong. Just like my brother all those years ago. The very same day out of 365 days in a year. What are the odds?. Two tragedies in the one Family. Children too. So had to manage the facts. But I'm determined, I'm going on and making something out of this life, helping others.
But myself first. I'm allowing myself to be happy, allowing myself to forgive, allowing myself to hope and love and hug and kiss and all the other things life has to offer. I've been through the fire and come out the other side forever changed. I'm a totally different person than the one I was before she died. Better, braver, stronger, not willing to put up with silly status quo's, or bullies, ass holes that should know better but don't. I'm a whole person now and it's in the understanding of myself and the forgiveness of myself I can continue to grow. Just as she would have wanted. She said I was on a different path to "Him". that we had never been meant to be together. And now he has gone all those years ago I understand him and forgive him as well.
And now that I have I am free at last, after all these words and stories I can truly say, you may have been a person I could never have understood, but I got over you a very long time ago, at the instant of her death I was no longer scared of you, nor did I want you in my life. I let my girls make up their own minds and they also chose to not have you in their lives. You hurt them and they survived you, just as I have and you will never ever hurt us again.
Wouldn't it be nice to take a pill and wipe out memory? Especially heartache. I would give anything for that. Just so that you don't have to feel it anymore.
They say that time heals, I know time heals nothing. In fact it gets worse with time but it becomes more personal. I am only better physically away from it. I then can deal with it better. But Birthdays and anniversaries are always going to hurt. That's so normal. But I still wish there was a pill I could take to wipe out the hurt and the memories. There was talk years ago of probing the brain and zapping the part that remembers the pain of losing. That all that could be wiped. What would that be like? Better I think, a curtain on the past, taking away the damaged part. No more to dwell in the land of remembrance.
But that would also take away the joy, the love, the laughter, the essential goodness, she brought. The love we uphold, the hope we give to others, the sheer joy of her being, and being kissed, hugged, adored by her.
Ah, such a conundrum! There is nothing you can do, six words I hate but so true. There is nothing you can do. Nothing you can say, just nothing, so all you can do is go forward in hope. A different person, tempered by fire, burnt by it, almost destroyed by it. But you refuse to give in, give up, so you go forward to a brand new day and a brand new life, never forgetting but putting it in a manageable place. Its called the exquisite agony. And is mine for the remembering. For the understanding and ultimately mine for the forgiving.
She was naughty probably for the first time in her young life and it was a fatal mistake. But she would never have meant it to cause so much pain, so much exquisite agony, she was a child out on an adventure that went terribly wrong, fatally wrong. Just like my brother all those years ago. The very same day out of 365 days in a year. What are the odds?. Two tragedies in the one Family. Children too. So had to manage the facts. But I'm determined, I'm going on and making something out of this life, helping others.
But myself first. I'm allowing myself to be happy, allowing myself to forgive, allowing myself to hope and love and hug and kiss and all the other things life has to offer. I've been through the fire and come out the other side forever changed. I'm a totally different person than the one I was before she died. Better, braver, stronger, not willing to put up with silly status quo's, or bullies, ass holes that should know better but don't. I'm a whole person now and it's in the understanding of myself and the forgiveness of myself I can continue to grow. Just as she would have wanted. She said I was on a different path to "Him". that we had never been meant to be together. And now he has gone all those years ago I understand him and forgive him as well.
And now that I have I am free at last, after all these words and stories I can truly say, you may have been a person I could never have understood, but I got over you a very long time ago, at the instant of her death I was no longer scared of you, nor did I want you in my life. I let my girls make up their own minds and they also chose to not have you in their lives. You hurt them and they survived you, just as I have and you will never ever hurt us again.
