We Are All Busy
Without Prejudice
We are all busy. We all have days when we are lost. No one is exempt from shitty gritty days when the world feels like a foreign place. When we don't want to speak even. When our troubles are many and life keeps on relentlessly grinding away at us. When we have had enough, simply enough. When we ant to say, go away you impossibly optimistic people. Say one more positive thing and I am going to poke you in the eyes with a sharp stick.
When the clouds are grey and there seems to be no one that even likes us. Try as we might to be positive ourselves the walls come crashing in and all hope fades. We turn to others and they are all busy. On those days I don't want to be single. I want someone to take the pain away and say it's going to be alright. I want to take my own advice and say to myself it's going to be alright. There is light at the end of the tunnel if you only believe there is.
Ahhh Depression, Winter depression, the fading of the light and the warm sun. The long dark evenings and the greyness of morning. When all that has gone before and all the meds in the world, don't work. Then I am a fish out of water, a lost soul, known only to myself. I feel myself withdrawing and waiting for it to pass. Winston Churchill called it his Black Dog. I wish that black dog would run away, go visit another house. Leave me alone in sunlight and brightness, where all are happy and content. I guess that's what they call Heaven.
My foster daughter said this place we call earth is Hell and the place we call Heaven is somewhere we go when we die. Do we really have to wait that long ? Is it not possible to have Heaven now and not Hell. I guess it's just reality. I can cheer my self up by going to bed and reading a good book. Turn my thoughts inwards and see what's inside. I've been like that for a few days. I want to cry but anti D's put up a nice fuzzy wall so I can't. But if I don't I feel the need to, just a little tear of heartbreak.
I will never ever get over it and I have to be BRAVE, I am so sick of being brave and strong and forthright. Look at me I'm strong and brave when all the while in those moments I'm not. I'm not strong. I hurt when others hurt. I see life as awful for some and I wonder why. I see life for me without her in it, as just plain awful, if you must know. I don't see sense I don't see rational, I don't want to know. I just see grief.
No one can be there with me, it's a journey I have to go on my own. There is no bigger conversation stopper than " I hurt." People are busy and have lots to do and I feel guilty when I interrupt them, feel bad. So I feel bad and I am going to go back to bed and read, as I am hurt and that's what I feel like.
Otherwise I will lose it and scream at them. The world is tilted the wrong way today and I am not dragging anyone down with me. I am going to cry and have a pity party and then I will be a whole lot better I hope. Maybe the sun will come out again. But in the mean time I am going to wallow in my self and my thoughts and disappointments and no one can stop me.
Even our Grannies had days when they simply went back to bed and pulled the blankets up over their heads and that's exactly how I feel,
Love Janette
We are all busy. We all have days when we are lost. No one is exempt from shitty gritty days when the world feels like a foreign place. When we don't want to speak even. When our troubles are many and life keeps on relentlessly grinding away at us. When we have had enough, simply enough. When we ant to say, go away you impossibly optimistic people. Say one more positive thing and I am going to poke you in the eyes with a sharp stick.
When the clouds are grey and there seems to be no one that even likes us. Try as we might to be positive ourselves the walls come crashing in and all hope fades. We turn to others and they are all busy. On those days I don't want to be single. I want someone to take the pain away and say it's going to be alright. I want to take my own advice and say to myself it's going to be alright. There is light at the end of the tunnel if you only believe there is.
Ahhh Depression, Winter depression, the fading of the light and the warm sun. The long dark evenings and the greyness of morning. When all that has gone before and all the meds in the world, don't work. Then I am a fish out of water, a lost soul, known only to myself. I feel myself withdrawing and waiting for it to pass. Winston Churchill called it his Black Dog. I wish that black dog would run away, go visit another house. Leave me alone in sunlight and brightness, where all are happy and content. I guess that's what they call Heaven.
My foster daughter said this place we call earth is Hell and the place we call Heaven is somewhere we go when we die. Do we really have to wait that long ? Is it not possible to have Heaven now and not Hell. I guess it's just reality. I can cheer my self up by going to bed and reading a good book. Turn my thoughts inwards and see what's inside. I've been like that for a few days. I want to cry but anti D's put up a nice fuzzy wall so I can't. But if I don't I feel the need to, just a little tear of heartbreak.
I will never ever get over it and I have to be BRAVE, I am so sick of being brave and strong and forthright. Look at me I'm strong and brave when all the while in those moments I'm not. I'm not strong. I hurt when others hurt. I see life as awful for some and I wonder why. I see life for me without her in it, as just plain awful, if you must know. I don't see sense I don't see rational, I don't want to know. I just see grief.
No one can be there with me, it's a journey I have to go on my own. There is no bigger conversation stopper than " I hurt." People are busy and have lots to do and I feel guilty when I interrupt them, feel bad. So I feel bad and I am going to go back to bed and read, as I am hurt and that's what I feel like.
Otherwise I will lose it and scream at them. The world is tilted the wrong way today and I am not dragging anyone down with me. I am going to cry and have a pity party and then I will be a whole lot better I hope. Maybe the sun will come out again. But in the mean time I am going to wallow in my self and my thoughts and disappointments and no one can stop me.
Even our Grannies had days when they simply went back to bed and pulled the blankets up over their heads and that's exactly how I feel,
Love Janette
